For Better or Worse, We're Stuck
by tragicladypirate
Summary: The Ministry gives Sirius one chance at freedom. He'll finally be able to be the father Harry never had. But there's a catch. To get that he must do the unthinkable. Marry his worst enemy, Severus Snape. Can he bare it, even if it is for Harry's sake?
1. Chapter 1: The Ministry Decree

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they belong to J. K. Rowling. But I own the plot, etc. Okay ya'll know that, so lemme say what I came here to say.

Author's note: This is a humor fic but MOST LIKELY WILL CONTAIN SLASH in the LAST CHAPTERS. Sirius is my favorite character and Snape is my second favorite. I said to myself now what's the most hilarious thing I can make him do...and I got this. No offence meant to any of the characters that I may mess with or make OOC. So don't take this all seriously and get outraged or anything Also, Yes, some characters WILL end up sounding a bit fruity at times, but it can't be helped. ;) Please review and I should have Chapter 2 written soon. I hope it's not a waste of time and space. Enjoy =D

This takes place before OOTP but may contain spoilers for later works. Be warned!

Rated M for alcohol usage, language, references of a sexual nature, and slash in later chapters.

...

Sirius's hands were sweating, gripping the podium nervously, waiting for the Ministry's jury to finish discussing their verdict. He stole a glance at Harry, who grinned looking as nervous as Sirius was, and did a thumbs-up sign. Sirius smiled weakly and tried to swallow the lump out of his throat. He felt out of place in his new suit, so accustomed to being on the run, and just wearing whatever he could salvage. But he was at the mercy of the Ministry of Magic now.

The murmuring from the jury subsided, and Cornelius Fudge (who was the judge) cleared his throat and spoke. "Sirius Black, we have listened to your testimony and we have decided. You realize Sirius, that we may never catch Pettigrew, if the Dark Lord really has risen again. We at the Ministry also realize that Harry needs a man who can be his father," Fudge said throwing a glance in Harry's direction. "And you are that man, Sirius." Sirius felt a flutter of hope in his chest. "So here is out proposition, we will set you free and clear your name. And you will be able to fulfill all of your duties as godfather. But there is one condition."

Sirius, who was utterly relieved and far beyond any word that describes happy replied. "And that is?"

"You must be bound in holy matrimony to one of our choosing. In this case, Severus Snape." Fudge said, straight-faced. Sirius's jaw dropped and he just stood there for a moment, his mouth agape. "You'll catch flies that way Mr. Black." Fudge pointed out.

"WHAT!!??!?!" Sirius finally managed, his voice echoing throughout the room. "Why HIM??!?!?!?!!"

Fudge leaned forward in his chair and spoke. "Severus Snape has more than proven countless times to be an upstanding citizen of the wizarding community as well as a beneficial addition to the Light as a spy for the Order. It is our hope that he will be able to keep you in check. And frankly Mr. Black, because we just like to screw with you." He paused. "And I think you know the alternative to refusing this condition," he continued gravely. 'Azkaban' Sirius thought sub-consciously shuddering. "Can I have a minute to talk this over with Harry?" Sirius requested quietly.

...

The moment they stepped into the hallway, Harry threw his arms around his godfather. "Gods Sirius, this is awful, I'm going to miss you so much" Sirius, taken aback, stiffened. "What do you mean? How do you know I won't agree to do it?" Harry frowned. "Because I believe that nothing on this Earth would be worth marrying Snape," Harry said truthfully. "You're worth it Harry. If it means having you live with me, if it means having you as," Sirius's voice cracked "As my son." he finished, "Then it is worth it."

Harry, his eyes wide in shock, could only stare. "Let me get this straight," he said uncertainly, "You would marry Severus Snape, your worst enemy since you were a kid, the biggest slimiest git in the world who doesn't even know the purpose of shampoo, and who also happens to be of the same sex as you, just so I could live with you...You'd do that for me?" "Yes," Sirius said softly.

Harry's eyes blurred a bit and he stepped forward and hugged his godfather for the second time. "I love you," he whispered as they hugged. Sirius closed his eyes, and pressed himself closer to Harry. "I love you too." he said soothingly, reminding himself why he was doing this.

...

"Alright," Sirius said, once again back in the courtroom. "I'll do it."

"What was that?" Fudge asked, grinning. Sirius gritted his teeth, and resisted the urge to punch Fudge right in his big fat smart-aleky face. "I said I'll marry Severus."

Fudge smirked. "Excellent. All the preparations will be made. Harry may go home with you now, and an owl will be sent to Mr. Snape...or should I say the soon-to-be Mr. Black, eh?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes, shooting daggers at Fudge and draped his arm behind Harry's back, guiding him. "This way, Harry," while mumbling under his breath _'If only I really were an escaped murderer...'_ glancing back at Fudge's self-satisfied smile.


	2. Chapter 2: Informing the Betrothed

**Author's Note**: Okay guys, next chappie is up! Mild cursing in here (very mild) so kiddies, cover your ears. I would like to thank She-who-must- not-be-named666 because she helped me with the idea! Thanks a bunch. Thank you to all the wonderful people who reviewed! (A whole whopping three so far) I love reviews and they were so sweet and encouraging, so thanks. Okay, well go ahead and read now. (If you were even reading this in the first place.)

....

Dumbledore sat quietly in his office drinking his daily cup of tea (Just a hint of lemon, the way he liked it) when a smoky grey owl glided stealth fully into his office. The owl landed on Dumbledore's desk, managing to land right on top of his half-eaten crumpets. _'I was going to finish those,'_ Dumbledore grumbled to himself, while untying the letter from the owl's ankle. The crest on the parchment was that of the Ministry of Magic. Dumbledore's eyes quickly scanned the letter, reading its contents while avoiding being pecked to bits by the owl (who was very impatient to be paid and be on its way) When finished, Dumbledore chuckled. _'Snape's going to LOVE this...'_ he thought with a wry smile. "Off you go," he said, handing the owl several silver sickles. "Keep the change," he said winking. The owl ruffled his feathers, and took off.

"Minerva," Dumbledore called to McGonagall (who had happened to be walking by outside of his office on her way to get more wolfsbaine) "Yes, Professor?" she inquired. "Get me Professor Snape," Dumbledore said, leaning back in his chair, folding his hands across his lap dramatically.

...

_'Damn that Dumbledore!'_ Snape muttered to himself, walking haughtily down the hallway leading to the Headmaster's office. Snape, who had been about to torment a batch of second years who had forgotten their homework, was in a foul mood (as he always was, when he was not being a pain in the arse to someone). He had been rudely interrupted by Minerva and told to go see Dumbledore...Now those second years would never get what was coming to them. "This better be bloody good," he spat, before knocking.

...

"Come in Professor Snape, I've been expecting you." The door opened, squeaking on its hinges as Snape slunk in. They were silent for a moment, just staring at each other. "You asked to see me Headmaster," Snape said, reminding him sharply "As you know, I was in the middle of classes so we should get on with it..."

"I REMEMBER that I asked to see you Severus... I am not senile! Can't a man pause dramatically nowadays?" Dumbledore sighed angrily, and continued. "Severus, I'm afraid I've just gotten an owl from the Ministry of Magic..." Snape tensed up. That couldn't be good. "And..." Snape said impatiently, curiosity digging at him like a scalpel. "You may want to sit down for this." Dumbledore cautioned. Snape quickly grabbed a chair, dragging it closer to the Headmaster's desk.

"You've heard of arranged marriages, no doubt." Dumbledore said, bluntly. "Yes," Snape said cautiously. _'I don't like where this is going...' _Snape thought to himself. "And sometimes...well...the Ministry decided that two persons should be wed...and the Ministry, having absolute power, does not need a reason to do this."My point Severus, is that the Ministry has decided that you are to be married." he finished, finally. Snape froze. The word marriage rang in his ears. "To whom am I betrothed...?" Snape inquired, nervously. "Sirius Black" came the reply.

For a moment, Snape sat, unable to budge. After a moment, he rushed to Dumbledore's side. "Oh you poor man you! Now you're imagining things! It's understandable, seeing as how you're getting on in your years." Snape kneeled next to him and took his hand. "Don't worry Headmaster, I'll get you some help." he said sympathetically looking around for another human being who could help. "Stop it!" Dumbledore cried, slapping Snape's hand away. "For the second time, I am NOT senile! I'm serious, Severus. You are engaged to Sirius and there is nothing to be done about it. He has already accepted the proposal, and you must to. _'He accepted?'_ Snape thought incredulously before Dumbledore began telling him about the hearing. "So he chose marrying you over Azkaban so he can raise Harry." Dumbledore finished. "So if I were to accept I would have to live with Black and Potter" he said, spitting their names, as if they were curses.

"Yes." Once again, Snape was silent. "Oh C'mon!" Dumbledore cried. "You knew this was bound to happen. You know how much the Ministry likes to mess with people!"

Snape glared at him. "You're not one to talk! They've never done anything to you!" Dumbledore laughed. "Oh yes they did...Do you think I really wanted to become Headmaster of Hogwarts?? No, I was a part of one of their sick jokes too, even thought it kind of backfired because I've never screwed up and been fired like they hoped."

"Besides if you don't accept, I know Fudge'll blame me. He wants a reason to put me in Azkaban, you know that," Dumbledore continued, "Well you have a good time in your new home, because I won't do it!" Snape said crossing his arms. "Oh yes you will," Dumbledore sighed. "I really had hoped it wouldn't come to this Severus...But do you remember that lovely pink silk dress you wore to the Faculty Christmas Party that year you had sampled to much bourbon?"

Snape nervously glanced behind him, at the door. "Quiet, someone could hear you!" he whispered urgently. "Let's not go public with that!" Dumbledore grinned maliciously (something he didn't do often) "If you don't accept the proposal, I will jinx you so well, you will spend the rest of your life wearing that dress." Snape looked at the headmaster in fear, then that fear turned to defiance. "You wouldn't dare," Snape said smugly. "Oh, wouldn't I?" Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling. The Headmaster drew his wand from his robes and with one swish, the dress was hoving in the air beside Snape. Snape's eyes widened, realizing he was serious. I would dare." Dumbledore said calmly. "Which one is a worse fate Severus, think about it..."

"Alright, Alright!" Snape said, panicked. The dress instantly disappeared. "Write back to the Ministry. Tell them I accept. We'll have to decide on a date too." Dumbledore nodded. "I knew you'd understand." Dumbledore said gloating. The vein on Snape's neck began to stand out and his face grew a kind of purplish color (One that would have done Mr. Dursley proud I might add) "Now if you'll excuse me Headmaster, I need to go find something to beat the shit out of."

**Author's Note**: Okay there you go. Chapter 3 will be up soon (like tomorrow most likely) and that'll be their wedding day. _::sniff::_ See ya then! ;)


	3. Chapter 3: The Wedding

**Author's Note**: Okay everyone here it is. Dun dun da dun! Their wedding! Enjoy. I got this posted a bit earlier than usual and personally I really like this chapter, hope you do…

_At Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place_

"Harry, are you almost ready?" called Sirius, who was fidgeting with his tie in the mirror. "Yeah, I guess," Harry said striding into the bedroom, dressed in a tuxedo. "Here, let me help you with that," Harry sighed and reached up, tying the bow tie. "Thanks," Sirius grinned sheepishly. "Nervous, huh?" Harry said, jokingly.

"You kidding? I'm about to marry Severus Snape...I'm one step away from making a noose and tying it 'round my neck" Sirius paused, then grinned. "Hey, think we could knock him off and make it look like an accident?"

"Sirius!" Harry retorted, pretending to be outraged, giving him a playful shove. He was silent for a second. "I suggest an icicle as a murder weapon. That way, all the evidence melts away." he replied with a smirk.

"Thank you so much. You're making me feel so much better," Sirius said, half-sarcastically. The truth was, Harry kind of was. "I am so glad your mother isn't alive to see this. But in a few hours, Snape is going become your new mother. Are you going to call him Mommy?" he teased, making kissy faces.

"Shut up!" Harry said, laughing, throwing ones of the shoes he'd been putting on at the time at Sirius. It missed, flying over his head, and hit a vase. Sirius strode over to the mirror in front of the sink. "Just remember, I'm doing this for you!" he said, running a brush through his long dark hair. "Think of that next time you almost decapitate me with a shoe."

_At Malfoy Manor  
_  
"I am NOT coming out!" Draco cried from the bathroom. "This is insane and I look ridiculous!"

"Nonsense, Draco." Lucius said, straightening his tuxedo's jacket. "I'm sure you look fine, now come out!"

The bathroom door opened a crack and, ever so slowly, a very unhappy Draco emerged. He was wearing a cotton candy pink dress, covered in lace, with a purple sash tied at the waste. The hem and the sleeves (which were more poofy than he'd thought possible) were bordered with roses.

"Father, why on EARTH did I have to be the flower girl!" Draco whined. Lucius sighed. "Draco, you know I would have been the flower girl if I could, but I'm Severus's best man," he said.

"I'm not going like this," Draco said frustrated "You can't make me."

"You know I can." Lucius said, patiently. "If you don't, I'll put you under the Imperius curse. Either way, you're going. Except if I have my way, I might make you give Potter a little kiss," he said wickedly. Draco turned several shades of pink. He still didn't look convinced.

"Shall we have a bit of a demonstration then?" Lucius said, pulling out his wand. "_Imperio_!"

"No no no!" Draco said hurriedly, but it was too late. He was already in the middle of the room, dancing, occasionally kicking his feet into the air, and tossing the skirt of his dress from side to side scandalously. "Dad stop it!" he cried. "Cut it out, I hate it when you do this! Alright, I'll go, I'll go, just make me stop." Draco cried helplessly. Draco suddenly stopped, in the middle of blowing kisses to the invisible crowd. "Fine, I'll go...but I won't like it," he mumbled unhappily.

Draco huffily went to the other side of the room, and flopped down on the bed. "Don't do that, you'll muss your dress," Lucius said nicely. He sat in front of Draco, his back to his son, and tossed his silvery blonde hair over his shoulder. "French braid." he commanded. Draco sighed, "Dad not again."

"French braid!" he commanded again, more fiercely this time. "Okay..." Draco said, beginning to plait his father's golden locks.

_Several minutes later, still at Malfoy Manor_

Lucius Malfoy was at the mirror, admiring his newly braided hair, when Severus Snape barged in. "I can't believe I'm doing this." he shouted "I mean for the Gods Sakes, Look at me!" Snape gazed at himself in the mirror, wearing his wedding dress, and shuddered. He looked like one of those magazine brides only worse. The ivory white dress pouffed in all the wrong places, was snug in all the wrong places and he kept tripping on the ridiculously long white tail of the dress that trailed behind him everywhere he went that was being held up by tiny yellow pixies. The pixies began to giggle and tug at the tail of the dress and Snape yelled "Shut up!!!!" and turned and kicked one of them so that it went flying across the room while the other began to curse at him angrily in a tiny squeaky voice shaking its minuscule fist at him. He spun back around to face Lucius but the veil fell into his face. "ARGHH!" he yelled and grabbed hold of a fistful of veil and tore it off his head.

"And why am I the one forced to wear the dress??" he questioned aloud to himself.

"Now Severus, you look very ::snickers:: pretty" Lucius said, biting his lip to keep from laughing. "Oh shove it Lucius!" Snape snapped. He then sighed again, and looked once again in the mirror. "This is the most white I've ever worn in my life, not to mention the fact that I'm a man in a dress here--Draco stop laughing!" Draco was doubled over on the floor, clutching his sides, tears rolling down his cheeks.

Snape scowled. "You're not one to cast stones Draco, at least my dress isn't pink." Draco's laughter slowly ceased and he gave Snape a dirty look. "That was low, Professor."

"Well if you'd just let me be the flower girl, we wouldn't be having this conversation" Lucius said, innocently. "Oh come off it Luce." Snape said, rolling his eyes. "Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself."

"Doesn't the Ministry know how fool-headed this whole bloody thing is??!? It's so absurd, it's not even funny!" Snape continued. "Yes it is!" said Lucius, finally giving in to his laughter "I was lucky when they decided Narcissa should be my wife. I don't think she would have married me otherwise. But you..." he said dissolving into giggles again before he could finish. "You're about to get a husband!" he gasped, through his snickering.

After another minute or two, Lucius was able to compose himself. "Okay, I'm okay now." he said, pink in the face, sounding like he was on the brink of another outburst of laughter.

"You better be, we're going to be late," Snape said angrily. Snape looked in the mirror, adjusted his veil, and sighed pessimistically. "Let's get this over with."

...

Wedding music sounded as Sirius stood at the preacher's pulpit. Beside him was Lucius Malfoy (the best man). Sirius stood anxiously looking down the aisle. "They should be playing the death march." Sirius muttered. "Put a lid on it Black" Lucius spat quietly, so no one else would hear. "Up yours, Malfoy." Sirius retorted "Forgive me for not being happy to marry my most hated rival or having a Death Eater for a best man!"

Lucius glared at him. "Don't ruin this day for Severus...even if he is marrying you, it's a lovely wedding..." Lucius said, and sniffed, fishing a pink handkerchief out of his pocket to dab his eyes. "You're right it is such a lovely wedding," Sirius admitted without realizing what he was doing. He quickly caught himself. "But that's beside the point!" He paused. "And since when do you have a pink handkerchief?"

Before Lucius could answer, he was cut off as Draco walked down the aisle, angrily tossing daisies left and right. "I'll be the best darn flower girl," he grumbled between gritted teeth. Harry, the ring bearer, followed right behind Draco. He whistled as Draco walked by. "Nice dress Draco," he snickered. "You seemed to have forgotten your dolly back there...Shall I go fetch it?" he teased before cracking up. "I'll get you for this later, Potter." he threatened, throwing flowers over his shoulder that hit Harry in the face.

They reached the end of the aisle and Harry took his place in front of Draco, clutching the silk pillow with the rings. Just then, Snape came down the aisle. The pixies, which were rather bruised and complaining, carried the trail of his veil. Snape took his place in-between Sirius and Lucius, ignoring the various giggles from his friends and co-workers. The preacher was none other than Cornelius Fudge (of course, the stupid git). He cleared his throat and began the service. "We are gathered here today, to rejoice in the wonderful matrimony of Sirius Black and Severus Snape." At which Sirius had a sudden coughing fit, that sounded suspiciously like "Bull shit", which brought several laughs from Harry and angry glares from Lucius and Draco. After which, the ceremony continued.

Every two minutes, Harry was pelted in the back of the head with flower pedals, keeping him from enjoying the wedding and how ridiculous Snape looked. "Stop it!" Harry hissed at Draco, turning around. "I didn't do anything." Draco insisted, lifting his eyes upward, looking innocent. As soon as he turned back around, he was hit again. This proceeded throughout the whole wedding because apparently Draco had put a Bottomless Charm on the basket, so it could keep producing pedals for eternity, and he would never run out.

Finally, it came to the part both Sirius and Snape had been dreading the most. "You may kiss the bride." Fudge said, looking pleased. Neither Sirius or Snape budged. "Do it!" hissed Fudge. Sirius groaned, apparently annoyed and grabbed Snape, pulling him into him into a quick kiss, that was surprisingly less horrible than they both had envisioned, thought they'd never admit it. They were both blushing slightly. Lucius, overcome with emotion, sobbed into his hankie. "It's so beautiful..." he said, as Draco tried his best to comfort his father. "Mr. and Mr. Sirius Black!" Fudge introduced smugly to the audience, as if they were blind and hadn't seen the whole ceremony.

...

As they were leaving the church, it began to pour. "Oh no! My dress! It's going to get ruined!" Snape cried. Everyone stopped, and stared. Snape turned red. "I mean, shit, I paid s lot of galleons for this dress, and it'll be a waste."

"Alright everyone," Sirius said, "Let's go into the church's basement. We can stay dry there."

"Oi, and we can have your reception there!" Harry called out happily. "Whoo! Everyone to the basement." Within minutes the basement was packed, full of food, loud happy guests, music, and (most importantly) alcohol. Sirius grabbed a whiskey and settled down at a table near the back while Harry did the same. "So how was your big day?" Harry asked, sitting next to his godfather and taking a swig from his bottle. Sirius narrowed his eyes. "If you weren't my godson, I'd smack you for that...That's not funny...How do you think it was?"

"Hmmmm let me take a guess?" Harry was quiet, pretending to consider it. "Dreadful?" he said finally. Sirius laughed. "The last straw was when Lucius Malfoy started bawling. That was a bit over the top." Harry laughed too. "My favorite part was when Lupin caught the bouquet and Dumbledore attacked him for it. He'll be going home in a body cast tonight." Sirius and Harry laughed together, then looked at Snape across the room, who was talking quietly with the Malfoy's. "Think he'll come over here?" Harry whispered. "He'll have to eventually..." Sirius said regretfully "He has to go home with us."

_'How the hell are we ever going to make this work?'_ Sirius thought to himself, uncertainly. The reality of the situation had just hit him full-force.

"Well he hasn't come over here yet," Sirius continued "So I'm going to make the best of it. C'mon Harry, let's enjoy our last few hours of freedom." he said, reaching for two more whiskeys.

...

_Several hours and several firewhiskey bottles later..._

Harry was on the other side of the room talking to Draco. They both glanced across the room to see that Snape had finally made his way (very wobbily) across the room to Sirius. They too, were talking, thought they were slurring so badly their conversation was indistinguishable to anyone but them.

Harry, who had been talking about Quidditch only moments before, suddenly became very emotional in his drunken state. "I'm so happy!" he sobbed to Draco. "I finally have a Dad!"

"You have a Mum now too," Draco pointed out grinning, while wondering why the room was spinning. "Yeah, that too." Harry said. Draco and Harry sobbed together. "That's so wonderful Harry!" Draco managed to say.

Sirius and Snape had been watching from the other side of the room. Sirius was touched_, 'He called me his dad...'_ he thought and Snape was outraged. _'Draco called me Potter's mum. Stupid prat.'_ he thought. Snape and Sirius sat there staring at each other.

_'Oh Gods, I'm really married to him.'_ they both thought. At the same time they both burst out sobbing as well. (Much like Harry and Draco, too much firewhiskey had made them very emotional.) "We're doomed!" they both sobbed at the same time

…

**Author's Note**: We'll, they're married. ::throws rice::

::sniff:: Wasn't it beautiful? Okay I'll stop. I'm sure you got your fill of that from Lucius. I wasn't sure how to end this chapter, but I did my best. Next chapter will be up real soon. Sirius, Snape, and Harry gotta start their new lives together!

P.S. A big thank you to all the awesome people who keep reviewing (there's more of you now). I know I always thank you, but ho well, you guys are so freaking awesome. I really appreciate it and I don't think u know how much your reviews mean to me. =D Keep it up!


	4. Chapter 4: Day1 of the Rest of Your Life

**Author's Note**: Okay everyone, chapter 4 is here. I've never made it to Chapter 4 in any of my other Harry Potter fics, so maybe this one is a keeper. It was a bit harder writing this chapter, now that they are married. Okay well go read, and I suggest you read the Author's Note at the end...it might clear some stuff up. Hope ya'll like it.

...

Sirius woke, his head pounding like a drum in-between his ears. He slowly opened one eye, looking around. He was in his bedroom. He sat up a little too quickly, and flopped back onto the bed, dizzy. Sirius turned his head to see Snape lying next to him, his face buried deep in the pillow, snoring loudly, which only increased his headache. He quickly turned away. _'Gods, I've got to remember to get twin beds now.'_ he grumbled to himself, rising himself from the bed, slower this time.

Sirius stumbled blindly into the kitchen. "Morning!" Harry said chipperly. Sirius groaned. "Not so loud," Sirius said, fumbling around in the cabinet for the aspirin. "Don't you have a hangover too?"

"Yeah," Harry said, pouring him a glass of water. "But looking at you, it looks like yours is a helluva lot worse than mine."

"Watch your language." Sirius said, before grabbing the glass of water and gulping down the pills. "Sorry," said Harry, not looking the least bit apologetic.

"What time is it?' Sirius asked, looking at the stove clock, willing his eyes to focus. The neon numbers slowly came into view. 10:45. "Shit!" Sirius cried, hurrying out of the room. "I'm late!" He frantically began to search for something presentable to wear. "Where are you going?" Harry asked his grin fading. "To look for a job. That's what I'm supposed to do, right? We need money to survive, don't we?" Sirius said, hunting desperately for a decent pair of shoes. "You're gonna go like this?" Harry asked, incredulously. Sirius blew it off with a wave of his hand. "This isn't my first hangover and I doubt it'll be my last. Gimme a cold shower and a cup of coffee and I'll be fine."

_15 minutes later  
_  
Sirius who was fully dressed, stuffed a piece of toast in his mouth. "Wish me luck Harry. I'll be home late this evening."

"Wait, wait!" Harry cried, following him to the door. "You're going to leave me home alone all day with...him?" he said, lowering his voice. "What on earth am I supposed to do??" Sirius shrugged. "I don't know...You'll figure something out. Maybe you guys will get acquainted, eh?" he said with a grin. He gave Harry one quick hug goodbye and he was gone. _'This is just great.'_ Harry thought, glancing at the bedroom door.

...

Snape groaned, and lifted his head from the pillow. _'Where am I?'_ he asked himself, looking around. He didn't recognize anything. He realized he must be a Black's house. _'In his bedroom'_ he thought bitterly. Snape swung his legs over the side of the bed, yelping when his bare feet touched the cold wood floor. Snape, muttering under his breath, found the bathroom and took a hot shower, lathering his raven hair with Herbal Essentials, which only succeeded in getting that catchy commercial stuck in his head. That seemed to dull the pain of his hangover a bit. Once done, Snape fumbled around in Sirius wardrobe, finally deciding on a baggy pair of black slacks and a black turtleneck. _'I also have to remember to have my clothes brought here.'_ he noted to himself. He quickly raked a comb through his normally greasy hair, and headed off in search of something to eat.

He rummaged around in the fridge, selecting some day old bologna, and slammed the door shut. "Uhhhh...hi," said Harry, coming into the kitchen. Snape jumped. "What are you doing here?" he asked skittishly. Harry gave him a strange look. "I live here...remember?"

"Right." Snape said, slightly embarrassed. "Where's Black?" he sneered, recovering from his embarrassment quickly. "Out looking for a job." Harry said, sounding unhappy. "What for?" Snape inquired, taking a bit of the bologna. "That's his job. We need some source of income, don't we?"

"What about my job at Hogwarts?" he said, narrowing his eyes. Harry paused for a minute. "Like I said, we need some source of income." he repeated, stressing the words, grinning. 'Did he just insult me??' Snape thought incredulously. "Listen Potter," he snapped "I--"

"Harry." Harry interjected. "It's Harry, not Potter. You're going to have to call me Harry." he said, pointedly. "Well **Potter** why don't you go find something else to do...Someone else to annoy." Snape returned, smirking.

"Because I'm hungry." Harry replied, completely changing the subject. "Well what am I supposed to do about that?" Snape said coldly. Harry raised an eyebrow. "Well, let's think...Put that head to use here....How about making me something to eat..."

"And why would I do that?" Snape retorted. Harry sighed impatiently. Normally he would have made it himself and wouldn't have even brought it up. He'd been making his own meals for almost fifteen years, after all. But today he just wanted to piss Snape off. "Because you are the adult around here and seeing as how you married my godfather yesterday, that kind of makes you my guardian," Harry said, spitting the word, as if it were poisonous using it to refer to Snape. "And it's not very guardianish to let me starve to death!"

"Tough!" Snape growled, turning to go. "I bet you don't even know how to cook..." Harry said, smirking. Snape stopped dead in his tracks. He had been insulted by Potter twice in the last ten minutes. Something had to be done. "I can so cook!" Snape said, glaring at Harry. "Without magic?" Harry asked, still wearing the same smirk. "Yes!" Snape said sharply, though sounding a little less certain. He couldn't remember the last time he'd cooked without any magic. "Prove it" Harry said, egging Snape on.

"What are you suggesting," Snape asked, growing angrier by the minute. His honor was at stake here, not to mention his self-respect. He wouldn't be outdone by Potter. Not now, not ever. Harry glanced at the clock. 4:00. "It's four o clock right now. Sirius will be home in about two and a half hours. I think you should cook him dinner." Harry said, suppressing a laugh. Snape narrowed his eyes. "You're on."

...

Snape dug through the closets, feeling frustrated. _'I need to find something to wear so I don't get covered in food. Like a smock or something of the sort.'_ In the end, all he could find was a very old apron that had apparently belonged to Sirius's mother. It was once white with pink trim, but the white had faded to a light grey, and the pink had lightened too, making its appearance even more feminine than it once was. Snape sighed and slipped it over his head_. 'Gods, why do you test me like this??' _he thought, angrily shaking his fist at the ceiling. _'Potter's going to have a field day with this.'_

Harry, who had been watching a Muggle television show, caught site of Snape as he walked into the room. He was unable to contain his laughter. He was doubled over snickering, which he tried to cover up as a coughing fit. "Nice try Potter!" came Snape's voice over the clattering of pots and pans. Harry shuffled himself into the crowded kitchen. "It just needs one last touch," he said, mumbling some words quietly, pointing his wand at Snape's apron. 'Kiss the Cook' appeared on the apron, written in elegant pink cursive with a bright fuchsia kiss mark at the end.

"Why you--" Snape raised his wand to remove the words, and more importantly, to hex Harry. "No magic," Harry reminded him sweetly. Snape slowly lowered his wand, calling Harry every dirty name in his vocabulary under his breath. Harry pointed at the clock, which now read 4:30. "Better get moving," he said. _'I could still punch the little twerp,'_ he thought to himself. _'Ah, better not, that might count as child cruelty, even if he was asking for it. You just can't torture kids like you used to...not with social service people breathing down your back..."_ Snape pawed through the fridge and the pantry. _'I guess I'll just have to work with what we've got here. Maybe I can make a casserole of some kind...'_

...

_Two hours later_

The bell on the oven dinged and Snape rushed over it. "Please don't be burned. Please don't be burned. Please don't be burned." he repeated, pulling the dish from the oven carefully with his faded pink oven mitts. His meatball casserole did turn out a bit on the burned side, but if you cut that part off, it looked just fine. Snape was feeling quite proud of himself in fact. In two hours he had managed to make a perfectly good (well almost perfectly good) dinner. Sure the corn was a bit pale, and he wasn't completely sure that mashed potatoes were supposed to be a sort of dark greyish color, but other than that it was fine...and edible too, that was a plus. The point being, he hadn't failed horribly and set anything on fire (well okay, that as only one set of drapes, and the fire was put out as quickly as it was started) Time to rub it in Potter's face.

Before he even had a chance to properly gloat, Harry ran in with his camera and snapped a picture. Snape, still wearing the apron and oven mitts, lunged at Harry. "Why you little--"

Suddenly, before he could grab Potter, he was interrupted by the jiggling of the door knob. "He's home!" Harry cried, rushing from the room. Snape felt himself getting nervous. _'Oh gods, he's home!' _he thought frantically, feeling kind of frightened and excited at the same time. _'Stop it. Get a hold of yourself'_ he scolded himself. _'What is wrong with me? It must be left over from last night's whiskey....That's the only explanation'_ he thought rationally.

"Sirius!" Harry said, launching himself at a tired looking Sirius as soon as he set foot through the thresh hold. "Good to see you too Harry," Sirius said laughing. "Thank Gods you're home." Harry mumbled, rolling his eyes towards the kitchen, indicating where Snape was. "That bad, huh? Well let me get changed." He said, loosening his tie, while heading toward his room. "I hate these bloody things," he cried, throwing his tie across the room. "They strangle you to death." On his way to his room, Sirius passed the kitchen and caught site of Snape. "Found my Mum's old things I see." he said, raising an eyebrow. "Er....I can explain." Snape finished sheepishly, his face bright pink, matching his apron. Sirius held up his hand and continued walking, shaking his head. "I'm not sure I even want to know..."

....

**Author's Note**: Sorry to cut it short but its 1:30 am and I need to get some sleep. It was gonna be a lot longer. They'll have 2 have their dinner tomorrow. Me thinks Snape protested to much when Sirius got home...but maybe that's just me. ;) And I think Sirius is going to get a job tomorrow (No he didn't succeed in his job hunting today.) But where you ask...I'll keep you wondering. Truth is, I don't know either. I'll probably lose some sleep over that one...

Anyway, I just wanted to say this chapter came out better than I expected, seeing as how I had absolutely no plot in this chapter to work with. I hope u enjoyed it (cuz I enjoyed writing it, its worth the lack of sleep) and that you didn't think it was just rubbish.


	5. Chapter 5: Dinner

Sirius settled down at the dinner table. Snape looked him up and down. He had changed into black jeans and a baggy dark blue shirt. Sirius's hair was tied back in a ponytail, revealing a small gold hoop in one ear. Harry stared at Snape in silent disbelief_. 'Did he just check Sirius out??'_ he thought, shocked. _'No....I had to be imagining things....this is Snape we're talking about here.'_

_'What on earth did they put in that whiskey...??!?'_ Snape wondered, his headache returning. Sirius, blissfully oblivious to everyone else's thoughts but his, pushed his food around on the plate suspiciously. "I didn't poison it, if that's what you're thinking" Snape said suddenly. Then he made a face. "Unfortunately" Sirius glared, and sullenly, began eating. Sirius glanced across the table at Snape_. 'You know, with his hair washed, he doesn't look half bad.'_ he grudgingly admitted to himself.

Snape was getting nervous. And having Sirius glancing over the table at him constantly wasn't helping at all. _'Does he think I could pull a machine gun out of my pocket at any moment or something?'_ he wondered, his coal black eyes flickering back down to his plate. Snape made a (very feeble) attempt to break the awkward silence. "Black, pass the butter." he commanded. Sirius held it out to him and, just as Snape reached for it, he pulled it back. "You can't very well call me Black anymore Snape, seeing as how you are one yourself." he countered. "Whether any of us likes it or not." Snape sneered. "Well then you can't very well call me Snape then. My name's not Snape anymore, thanks to you."

"Oh like I wanted to marry you. You should be so lucky..." He paused. "Then what am I supposed to call you then?" Snape stared. "Severus." he said simply. Sirius forced a smirk. "That's such a stupid name." Sirius returned, looking to pick a fight. "It sounds like your cutting someone's hand off or something." Snape reacted, just like Sirius expected. "Well your names not any better. Sirius. What kind of name is that? Sirius, oh you're so serious." he mocked. Sirius was silent, his eyes narrowed. "Not to mention we both have the same initials now. Did you notice that? SB." Snape continued. Sirius hadn't noticed that, actually. "Unless you have a middle name..?" Sirius asked. Snape shook his head. "Well neither do I, so I guess you're right." They were all silent.

Harry sighed and picked at his food remorsefully. He'd been unusually silent this whole time. This dinner was dull. He was so sure that dinner, under these circumstances, would have meant hours of laughter for him. But it just wasn't happening. So he decided he should get it going. "So how was the wedding night? Eh?" Harry said with a wink to Sirius, crossing his arms. Snape's face turned a dull shade of green and Sirius looked as capable of murder. "What?" Harry asked making an innocent face and uncrossing his arms.

...

Ten minutes later Harry found himself locked in his room and pounding at the door yelling "It was just a joke! Jeeze!" he thought for a second and then called out ,"Obviously it didn't go to well then, not enough romance?"

There was a shuffling sound coming from outside Harry's door where Sirius was holding Snape back from unlocking Harry's door and going in to strangle him. Harry's taunting voice came again, this time saying "What's the matter, Sirius wouldn't put out? Maybe you should have tried some flowers or some chocolates, he likes the sensitive type."

Sirius stopped dead and then let go of Snape so he himself could charge at the door but Snape grabbed him around the waist and pulled him back as he shouted "Boy I'm SO gonna get you for that one!!!" but Snape kept hold of the struggling Sirius until he stopped in mid charge and turned to face him. "Why are you holding me back???" he asked confused, Harry temporarily forgotten.

Snape instantly released Sirius and pulled his arms back, "I have no idea" he said feeling stumped and just a bit stupid. "Feeling that Mother's instinct to protect already, Severus?" Sirius taunted. Snape just grumbled and turned away heading back the rest of his now cold casserole. "You want to kill the boy and go back to Azkaban, be my guest!" He grumbled behind him, "It'd certainly solve my problems." Snape thought that might have been a little harsh but he didn't really care at the moment.

A few seconds later Sirius joined him at the table and resumed eating. "You know this stuff tastes a little like shoe rubber" he commented, chewing at the casserole thoughtfully. Actually he thought it tasted quite good but he wasn't about to compliment him, where's the fun in that? "What's on the menu tomorrow, an old tire?"

Snape stared at him sourly. He had worked so hard on that damn casserole! "Well if you don't like it, then don't eat it" he snapped. He had no witty retort to the insult so he just decided to give Sirius the cold shoulder.

"Well I'm going to sleep" Sirius said, dropping his fork onto his empty plate and standing up. Snape stood up too and followed him to the bedroom. "Where do you think you're going?" Sirius said, turning to Snape. "To bed" Snape stated simply. "Okay then, there you go" Sirius said pointing towards the couch, "Bed."

Snape looked from Sirius to the couch and then back to Sirius, his eyes narrowed. "Oh no I'm not sleeping in that thing, if this is the way you want it, then you sleep on it!". Sirius conjured up a pillow and a blanket that landed on the couch and said "It's my house, and that's your bed", but before either could argue any longer there was a loud crack in the middle of the room.

There stood none other than Cornelius Fudge. Sirius groaned. "Uh uh," Fudge reprimanded, wagging his finger at them and looking amused. "You are both to sleep in there" he said and pointed towards the bedroom. "Really Fudge, Don't you have anything better to do?" Sirius said, annoyed. Fudge stopped for a minute, pretending to think about it. "Not really, no." he replied. "Now go." he said, indicating the bedroom. Both of them muttered to themselves and headed toward the bedroom as another loud crack indicated that Fudge had Disapparated.

Once inside Sirius raised his wand, pointing it at the bed, "Fine," he said. "Then I'll separate the beds then". But when he said the charm to split the bed into two twin beds, there was a buzzer noise and a crack and a lime green bowler hat, (much like the one Fudge always wore), suddenly appeared, floating above the bed. "Sorry, can't do that either" came Cornelius's voice out of the hat's mouth. It stuck its tongue out at them and then with another crack it was gone. They both complained loudly and climbed into bed where they spent the night fighting over the blanket and making sure to keep a large distance between them even if it meant both were nearly falling off the bed in the process.

...

**Author's Note**: Okay well that's it for now. Should have more posted by tomorrow. Please keep reviewing, people. I need the encouragement. And I know where Sirius is gonna get a job at, finally!

Anyway, all this stuff with what to call Snape is getting on my nerves. It seems weird for Harry to call him Severus, but he can't really call him Snape anymore either. ::sighs:: Maybe I should just call him Princess of all-that-is-pink-fluffy-and-cute and get it over with. Hehe just a little joke. Now I'm off to get some sleep, something that's long overdue. ::yawns:: till tomorrow then.


	6. Chapter 6: New Job and Enter Julius

**Author's Note**: (I really hope you people read these) Thank you to all the wonderful people who keep reviewing...I cannot praise you guys enough! One of those wonderful people is LxAxMxMxY. I make references to her fan fiction when Harry gets a kinda temporary case of Tourette's syndrome (well you'll see) after dinner. Anyway, that snake thing and all that was her brilliant idea, not mine, so go read her wonderful fic _First Annual Hogwarts Camping Trip_. You'll be laughing your arse of, I guarantee it.

...

The next day Sirius was up early the next morning, on his way out to look for a job again. Snape stayed in bed, waiting until the absolute last minute until he couldn't stand it any longer, before headed into the kitchen for breakfast even though it was half past two. He found Harry sitting at the kitchen counter and munching nosily on an apple. He grunted and walked past the boy, pretending he wasn't there. "So what's for dinner today Sevey?" he asked. Snape turned to glare at him and Harry just grinned. "You know that casserole sorta tasted like the rubber they use in shoes" he said thoughtfully.

Snape turned to him again, black hair all tousled from sleep. "You know maybe you should try one of those Muggle cooking magazines" Harry said happily, completely ignoring the death glare he was receiving from Snape. Snape grabbed an apple from a nearby tray and tossed it angrily at Harry. Harry dodged it and said "Just trying to help..." in a sing song voice. Snape made a reach for a glass cup this time but Harry just smirked and headed off to the living room.

An hour later Harry looked at his watch, it read 4:15. Sirius would be home in about an hour or two. Harry decided to check in on Snape. When Harry found him he was in the kitchen, bent over the oven with a stack of Martha Stewart magazines sitting next to him wearing the white and pink apron. He was thumbing through one that sat in front of him on the oven while he stirred a large brown bowl muttering "I'll show them, I can too cook!" he muttered angrily. "Tastes like shoe rubber my arse!"

Harry had to press his both his hands over his mouth to stifle the sound of his giggling as he headed into the living room where he collapsed on the couch laughing. It looked as if Snape had taken his advice after all.

...

An hour later, Harry realized there was an appetizing aroma coming from the kitchen. "Good Gods, did he actually succeed??" he asked himself aloud, in shock. At that precise moment, Harry also heard the jiggling of the door handle, indicating Sirius was home. "Sirius is home!" Harry cried, to Snape who was in the kitchen. Harry strolled into the front hallway in time to see Sirius fling the door open, looking happier than Harry'd seen him in a good long while. Sirius walked in over to Harry and, still grinning, picked Harry up and twirled him in the air. As odd as it sounds, it happened. "Errrr...did I miss something?" Harry asked, while being spun around in his arms.

"I got the job!" Sirius replied, finally setting Harry down. "Really?? Sirius that's great! What job??" Harry said ecstatically, though feeling a bit nauseous from all the spinning. "It's at the Quibbler. I'm a bodyguard?" "Bodyguard?" Harry echoed numbly. "Who's? And what are you 'guarding' them from?" Sirius grinned. "I'm a bodyguard for Mr. Lovegood, and I'm there to protect him from Seven-Horned Smuggler Snorks." Harry frowned, "But aren't those-" "Make believe I know, but apparently they've been secrets stealing his....er....undergarments and he needs someone in case they strike again." Sirius said, stifling laughter. Harry raised an eyebrow. "So are you telling me you're getting paid to do-" "Nothing, exactly." Sirius said, interrupting for the second time. "But it's good money," Sirius said with a smile.

Sirius sniffed the air and a grin appeared on his face, "What's for dinner?" he asked liking his lips. They headed into the kitchen and found the table set all nice with a plate of tacos, Mexican rice, and beans waiting for them along with Snape who looked a little nervous but was trying badly to hide it. "Wow....this actually looks good!" Sirius said and sat down with Harry to eat. "Thanks," Snape said "The magazine said to have maracas and that I had to wear this ridiculously large colorful hat but..."

"What magazine?" Sirius asked, glancing up at Snape. Snape looked to him nervously and said "Ummmmm what magazine? No magazine...there's no magazine. I didn't get the recipe from magazine, if that's what you're thinking. And I don't have an obsessive fixation that involves Barbie dolls, if that's what you're thinking also!"

Sirius stared at him for a few minutes, "Oooooooooooookay, I wasn't thinking that but now...eeer, Never mind, let's eat! Snape said and they all dug into their food. After they finished all the food and Harry stuffed down the last taco Sirius sat back and leaned against his chair and sighed patting his stomach.

"You know, I saw this snake today," he began but he was interrupted by Harry suddenly yelling out loud out of nowhere "WHO'S YOUR DADDY!"

"Sirius" Snape said automatically then "Errr...I mean....no..." he tried to save himself, turning red. "Shit." he mumbled. Sirius gave Snape a weird look then he turned to Harry and he and Snape both gave Harry weird looks and Harry instantly began to blush crimson, "Oh wait," Harry mumbled "Wrong fic, my bad." He cleared his throat and stood up and quickly walked out of the kitchen still blushing furiously, he muttered an excuse me behind him as he left, leaving Sirius and Snape alone.

An awkward silence stretched between the two uncomfortably. Sirius coughed, then Snape sneezed an oddly girlish sounding sneeze. "Bless you" Sirius said as Snape wiped his nose on a napkin, "Thank you," he replied stuffily. Then they both settled back into silence and Snape began to tap impatiently on the table top. Sirius sighed. _'Nothing makes sense anymore..._' he thought to himself. "I hate my life", Sirius said, out of nowhere. Snape nodded and said "Tell me about it." Sirius looked up to stare at Snape but Snape was looking to the other side of the table. Sirius followed his gaze to the end of the table and there sat a full bottle of tequila. Sirius grinned and looked back to Snape who grinned back and nodded.

...

From in his room Harry heard some banging and odd noises coming from the kitchen where he had left Sirius and Snape around an hour ago. _'Oh Gods,'_ Harry thought, his eyes growing wide, _'They're killing each other! I never should have left them in there alone with all those knives and heavy plates and pots!'_ Harry rushed to the kitchen, skidding on his heels and almost falling over in his haste, but when he got to the kitchen all he could do was stand there with his mouth agape.

He could barley believe what he was seeing. Sirius was standing in front of Snape with Snape's hands on his hips in a sort of drunken too-short conga line dancing and Sirius was shaking two bright red and yellow maracas and singing loudly while Snape wore a ridiculously large and brightly colored straw hat, chugging down some liquid from a large bottle, that Harry was sure had to be alcohol, with a dancing broom behind him in the conga line that had sprouted arms and legs. And it was swaying from side to side, as if dancing. When Snape spotted Harry, he swerved the wobbly conga line towards him "Join in Harry!" he called and grabbed his arm pulling Harry behind him and placing Harry's hand on the living broom's hip, bringing him into the conga line. He pulled the hat off his head and placed it on Harry's head so that it sank halfway over his eyes.

Harry looked at them both oddly and they both burst into laughter and Harry joined them deciding this was way better off than them trying to kill each other and grabbed the bottle of Tequila. A few minutes later when Sirius had slapped Snape's arse drunkenly and Snape had giggled with the broom hula dancing and swaying in the background, Harry wasn't so sure anymore...

...

**Author's Note:** Yay! Sirius finally got a job like I promised. Not really important what it is, so long as he can get out of the house, and get paid! And there's going to be an expected visitor for Harry in the next chapter...oooooh Harry you lucky little duck....

Yes, I know what you were all thinking when he heard strange noises from the kitchen... It was something like this: "Strange ahem noises can only mean one thing..." Well I fooled you all then. Well at least some of you, at least. I even fooled myself a bit...lol. Anyway next chapter will be up soon and keep reading and reviewing. You all have no idea how much joy good reviews bring me...the only comparison is like a rich kid in a candy store =D


	7. Chapter 7: Enter the Puppets and AA

**Author's Note**: Once again thank you so much to She-who-must-not-be-named666 for co-writing the past few chapters of this story with me. Also we would both like to thank LxAxMxMxY for flattering us so much in her author's note and we would highly recommend her for those of you looking for a hilarious humor fic with a good plot.

…

As soon as Snape opened his eyes he regretted it. The world around him began to spin as everything within his vision tilted and took on a lopsided look. When he slowly raised his head he realized it was because he was laying half of the couch with his head nearly touching the floor, an empty tequila bottle in one hand and a large Mexican party hat taking up most of the space on the couch next to him.

He looked around the room from his lopsided point of view and saw Sirius sprawled out on the hardwood floor about a foot away clutching what appeared to be the broom Snape remembered jinxing to hula dance last night, only now the jinx had worn off and it was back to being a normal broom. Snape flinched as Sirius snorted rather loudly and pulled the broom closer to him, tightening his grip on it. The sound rang in his ears and he closed his eyes again feeling the beginnings of a terrible hangover coming on. He let himself go limp in the hopes that sleep would claim him again soon so that he wouldn't have to suffer the full blasts of the hangover.

His calm silence was interpreted however by a sudden heavy something falling onto him and someone shaking his shoulder yelling "Time to get up Sevie!!" His hopes of sleep were shattered as he groaned in reply and opened his eyes to find Harry, who had leapt over the couch and onto him, now heading over to Sirius. He began to shake him awake as well as he turned his head to Snape and called "Get up you lazy drunks you guys have a visitor!" Sirius groaned and rolled over to look at Harry, "Who?" he mumbled. "It's Fudge, he says it's an important 'meeting', he's in the kitchen." Sirius groaned and stood up still clutching the broom and glared at Harry who smirked, and then headed towards the kitchen with Snape following him.

They walked into the kitchen to find a smug looking Cornelius Fudge sitting down at the table waiting for them with his hands clasped neatly on the wooden surface. Sirius looked at him in annoyance and the Minister asked innocently "Is that a broom you're holding Sirius?" Sirius glanced at the broom in his hand and hastily leaned it against the wall and sat down in front of the minister along with Snape. "What can we do for you Minister?" he asked through gritted teeth. "Oh I was just checking up on you, you know, seeing how the marriage is going..." he said casually. "Don't you have a life?!?" Sirius asked impatiently, obviously a bit ticked off at Fudge and his wonderful timing. "Of course not!" Fudge said "Why do you think the ministry likes to mess with people like this so much?"

"But anyhow, that's not the point," he continued, "So how is the marriage? Hmmm?" he asked. "It's fine," Snape said. "Yes just bliss," Sirius added. "Ah I knew you were a good match, I bet you'll be wanting to thank me pretty soon, eh?" Fudge said. Sirius glared at him in respond which made Fudge's smile wavered a bit but he soon recovered and continued happily "Well I would advise you to consider having some children then! The council is pushing it on me that, and this would show a happy marriage." Snape felt like he was either about to faint, throw up, or attack Fudge, Sirius seemed to be thinking along the same lines, only leaning a lot more towards the attacking Fudge option. "Children!?!" Snape exclaimed, "You can't be serious!?!" Snape shouted disbelievingly "How the bloody hell do you expect us to do that?!?!?"

Fudge sighed, shaking his head sadly. "I guess you're more of a social outcast than I had imagined. Here allow me to enlighten you..." he said, pulling out two small male puppets from who-knows-where. "This is Bob, and this is Joe," he said, indicating the puppets. "But in this case, Severus and Sirius." Fudge cleared his throat and began. "When two people love each other very much, it goes like this, somewhat."

"I love you Severus!" Fudge said, mimicking Sirius's voice, making the Sirius-puppet shower kisses (with over-exaggerated smooching noises) on Severus-puppet. "Why Sirius darling, I love you too!" the Severus-puppet's voice go very high pitched, and giggling like a school girl. "Let's find somewhere private to continue this conversation..." Sirius-puppet said, growling mischievously. "Oh Siri, you beast!" Severus-puppet responded, shamelessly, as Fudge made the puppets walk (or float really) to another part of the kitchen table, which was presumably 'somewhere private'.

"That's enough of that!" Snape growled, slapping the puppets out of Fudge's hands, making them fly across the room before things got too graphic between their puppet counterparts. Snape was rather red in the face (which looked quite odd against his pale skin) and Sirius's eyes were narrowed, his fists clenched, and he was shaking in silent anger yet (somehow) just barely managing to keep from breaking Fudge's neck. That, and the fact that Harry had cast a Binding Charm on his godfather at the last second, restraining him from tearing the minister with his bare hands, and was stuck there for the time being.

"First of all, I know perfectly well how children are conceived, and second of all, did you not notice both I and Sirius are MALE and therefore it is virtually impossible for us to have children--Oh forget it," he said putting his hand to his temple, not feeling up to explaining the birds and the bees to the Minister of Magic this early in the morning. "Potter's more than enough thank you, and besides, who'd be the mother!?" he said irritably to the Minister, who was still staring forlornly after his puppets, which were now on the floor. "Well, who wore the wedding dress..." Fudge answered, grinning like a jack-o-lantern. Fudge received glares from both men at the table.

The minister stood up "Well I can see my work here is done. I'll be on my way then." Fudge lifted his wand into the air, and disappeared with a loud crack. "I think we need to get an anti-Apparating spell put on this house, like the one they have at Hogwarts." Sirius said sorely, as Harry released him from the charm, and he rose from his chair. "I heard that," Fudge's head appearing for a split second, before disappearing again. Sirius lunged at the head, but it was all ready gone, and he missed, tripping over a chair. He rose from the floor, swearing. Sirius walked swiftly over to the discarded puppets and began stomping on them repetitively, calling Fudge every dirty name in the book.

He finally looked up at Snape and Harry, his face flushed with rage, and composed himself. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could say anything, he was abruptly interrupted by the ringing of the door bell. "Who the bloody hell could that be?" Sirius asked incredulously, still in a bad mood.

...

When Sirius opened the door all feelings of anger left him as he stared at the face of no other then Draco Malfoy. The boy stared back at him nervously until Sirius's brain snapped back from its stall in trying to fit Draco Malfoy standing at his door holding a bouquet of flowers logically into the surroundings, which seemed impossible really. "Ummm...I think you have the wrong house" he said, still trying to rationalize this. "Well no actually, I'm here to see Harry," the boy said. Sirius looked down at him like he was off his rocker, then slammed the door and turned around. He shook his head and then walked back into the kitchen where Harry was sitting there watching him. Sirius went to lean against the counter and said "You won't believe who that was," he said shaking his head, "I think I'm going crazy being cooped up in this house with Severus as my wife and a job at the Quibbler." Harry looked at him nervously and asked "Who was it?"

"Draco Malfoy," Sirius said, "Holding a bouquet of flowers." Harry's eyes lit up and he said "A bouquet of flowers?!"

"Yes it--" he started, then stared at Harry who immediately began to blush and looked down. "As a matter of fact he said he was here to see you...Harry is there something you're not telling me?" Harry blushed even more and mumbled "Well you see....we were kinda... wellwerekindagoingoutnow." and he coughed loudly after saying this. "What!?!"Sirius exclaimed, "How..??" he continued, somewhat at a loss for words, "When!?"

"Well," Harry started, "We sorta kinda got drunk at the wedding...there was all that alcohol!...and well you can guess the rest." he finished. Sirius looked like he was about to murder Harry so he said "Well gotta go bye!" and dashed out of the kitchen calling "I'll be back later!" and with that Sirius heard the front door slam closed. Snape came in and took a look at Sirius. "What was that door slamming all about?" he asked. "You wouldn't believe it," Sirius said and sighed. "Try me," Snape said. Sirius told him. Snape began to laugh and said "It doesn't surprise me, did you see the way they were at the wedding!??" he said. Sirius glared at Snape and said "I need a drink..." An hour later they were drunk again and falling all over the place with their broom. Snape looked at the broom for a moment as if listening to it and then turned to Sirius and said "You know Julius is right" referring to the broom. "We do need help"

...

Out with Draco, Harry wondered out loud, "I wonder what Sirius and Snape are up to all alone in that house?"  
...

"Welcome to the first Order of the Phoenix AA meeting," Snape announced, standing on a table in the living room. Sirius and Julius (the enchanted broom) clapped from below him sitting in their plastic fold out chairs. "My name is Severus Snape…no…Severus Black, sorry, and," he said "I am an alcoholic!" The broom and Sirius cheered and Sirius called "You go girl!"

Snape got down from the table and sat on it as Sirius stood up. "I am Sirius Black and I am an alcoholic!" he said, they all cheered for him and then he sat down. Sirius and Snape looked expectantly at the broom who noticed this then looked at them both (though you can't really tell because brooms don't have eyes) and waved his finger at them in a gesture that indicated no. "What do you mean no!?" Sirius said.

Snape stared at the broom and then opened his mouth in shock and gasped "How dare you!" he said and Sirius nodded in agreement. "I'm not an alcoholic, he's the alcoholic," he said pointing to Sirius. Sirius stopped nodding and looked angrily at Snape. "What!?!" he exclaimed, "You're as much as an alcoholic as me! If not more!"

"Oh no I'm not you lousy drunk!" Snape yelled back and Sirius lunged at him in an unsuccessful drunken attempt to fight him.

The broom stood up quickly and Sirius and Snape both stopped where they stood and turned to look at it. "He's right," Sirius sighed, "We're both lousy drunks!" he cried and both him and Snape began to sob into each other's arms, (yes they are still under the effect of the drinks they had had earlier, in other words, drunk). The broom began to pat Sirius's back soothingly and they both broke apart and made a pact not to drink again. "I really don't hate you as much as I say!" Sirius sobbed to Snape. "Me neither!" Snape said back, "But I still hate you a lot," he cried, the broom still patting their backs comfortingly.


	8. Chapter 8: Makeover and Truth or Dare

**A/N:** I am so proud of this chapter! It is my longest chapter yet, at 3,050 words and 7 pages (without the author's note even) I wrote this chapter by myself, and I quite like it, because Lucius is back in it! I may have mutilated his character a bit, making him more...ahem...feminine than he probably is, but oh well, he was asking for it with his hair. I would (once again) like to encourage you people to REVIEW, for the love of all things sacred REVIEW! Okay now, shoo, go read (if you were even reading this that is) 3

…

The next day Snape woke to a quiet house. Upon entering the kitchen, he found a note on the counter.

Sevvy,

Went to Diagon Alley with Draco, Ron and Hermione. Back after Sirius gets home. See you later Sev!

-Harry

Snape crumpled up the note, tossing it into the wastebasket. _'Finally, a day to myself.' _he thought, hopefully, as he went to the bathroom. But no sooner had he stepped out of the shower and gotten dressed, than the doorbell rang. _'What's with all these bloody people coming to our door all of a sudden?'_ he wondered to himself _'Are we loved?'_ Snape scoffed. _'Not bloody likely.'_ He opened to door. Lucius Malfoy stood at the door, "Hello Severus."

"Lucius, what are you doing here?" he asked, genuinely surprised. Lucius sighed. "I'm here because the author loves my character, and decided I needed to come back into the story, and she doesn't need a reason, okay?" he said, then whacked Snape with his cane. "Ow!" Snape said, rubbing his head gingerly, "What was that for?"

"For being a dumbass and making me explain all that. Can't a friend just surprise his newly married mutual friend with a visit?" Lucius said simply, walking past Snape into the living room. They were silent for a while. "So what do you want to do?" Snape asked. Lucius was quiet for a minute. "Wanna do each other's nails?" he asked, out of nowhere. "Okay," Snape said unenthusically. They both stood still for a moment, then clasped hands and jumped up and down, squealing excitedly. "Wow that was weird," Snape said, snapping out of it. "Yeah but it wouldn't kill you to be a little out of character for once would it? I do it all the time!" Lucius said proudly. "Now c'mon!" he said, excitedly. "This is gonna be so much fun!"

Ten minutes later they were sprawled out on the bedroom floor, clutching pillows giggling, doing each other's toenails. "So this is your bedroom, hmm?" Lucius said, while painting Snape's toenails silver and green (Slytherin colors, whoo!) "I see you guys cough share a bed huh? That must be fun."

"We have to. Ministry's orders. Fudge wouldn't let us split the bed or let one of us sleep on the couch." Snape said, applying more pink nail polish (Lucius's color choice, of course) to Lucius's big toe. "Well it can't be that bad. I mean that Sirius Black, grrrowl." A second later Lucius's face contorted in shock. "I can't believe I just said that!" he exclaimed, apparently disgusted with himself. "Isn't he related to you?" Snape asked, working his way to the next toe.

"Yes, he's Narcissa's cousin...I think. So that means he's like my second- cousin. Or is he a half cousin? Is there even such a thing?" Lucius asked.

"I don't really know, Lucius."

"No wait, isn't he Narcissa's sister's cousin? Er, wait, that's the same thing."

"I thought he was Bellatrix's cousin."

"He is...er, I think. So then he's my third-cousin? Or is he two halfs of a cousin? That'd make him a whole cousin then."

"Lucius, that doesn't make any sense...Two halfs of a first-cousin?"

"Damn me and my lack of knowledge of genealogy...what kind of Malfoy am I?!?!?"

"Apparently the kind that spends his day painting toenails and such."

"Oh...you have a point there." Lucius said, smacking Snape fiercely with a pillow. "Either way, it still results in incest, so it doesn't really matter."

"But aren't you only related by marriage, not blood?" Snape pointed out smugly, as he did the last toe, and closed the polish bottle. "Don't make this more complicated than it already is Severus." Lucius said, putting his hand to his forehead. "It's giving me a headache." he said, as he put the finishing touches on Snape's toes. "Okay done!" he said cheerily.

"Let's play truth or dare!" Lucius squealed with excitement. "I'll go first, truth or dare, Sev?"

"Er...truth." Snape said uncertainly. Lucius grinned evilly. "Okay, is Black good in bed? Because I always thought--"

"What?!!? Lucius you little pervert, why do you want to know that?"

"Just answer the question..." Lucius replied in a sing-song voice.

"Well, I...er...don't know." Snape said truthfully.

"What do you mean you don't know!?" Lucius exclaimed, his eyes wide in horror.

"We haven't shagged, if that's what you mean." Snape said, glaring at his friend.

"But...you're married!! What did you do on the wedding night, then?" Lucius asked, utterly baffled.

"We slept." he said pointedly.

"Oh Gods, how boring." Lucius said with a yawn.

"He's my worst enemy and he thinks I'm a greasy git, what'd you expect!"

"Well I expected you'd at least be getting some now that you're married, but obviously I was wrong..." Lucius said with a sneer.

"Shut up you. And only I can sneer, stop that." Snape said, "Well now that you're done analyzing my bedroom life, it's my turn. Truth or Dare?"

"Dare." he said grinning. "I dare you to call Arthur Weasley and pretend that you're a salesman selling...." Snape leaned over and whispered the product in Lucius's ear.

"You sick twisted little man." Lucius said as he reached over to the telephone, even though logically neither Snape nor the Weasleys would have a telephone (it being a Muggle device and all), and dialed Arthur's number, muttering about a stupid mud-blood lover.

Snape narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "How'd you know his number without looking it up?"

"Uhhh..." Lucius stammered. "I guessed. Shhh it's ringing."

_At the Burrow_

Arthur Weasley walked over to the telephone that was ringing shrilly on a desk in the living room. _'Why do we have a telephone?'_ he thought to himself, confused. _'And where the hell did that desk come from?'_ he cautiously picked up the receiver. "H-Hello?" he said.

_Back at Grimmauld Place_

"Yes Hello, is this Arthur Weasley?"

"Yes, can I help you?"

"Yes, my name is Luc-damn it, I mean Larry....Larry MacBeth."

"Good fake name Luce, you've still got the same initials." Snape snickered.

"Shove it Severus!" he hissed back. "Now be quiet!"

"As I was saying Mr. Weasley, I represent the FFC Corporation. Fruity Flavored Condoms. We were wondering if you'd like a free sample." Lucius said, watching Snape dissolve into silent giggles.

"I...er..." Mr. Weasley stammered, growing red over the phone.

"They come in five different flavors: cherry, lemon, kiwi, jasmine, and cinnamon." Lucius said in a businessman-like voice, before covering the receiver trying to stifle his laughter.

"I--hey wait...Lucius?...Lucius Malfoy, is that you?"Arthur said, finally recognizing the voice despite the atrociously fake French accent.

"Shit. I mean, er....no....I'm sorry Mr. Weasley I have to go, my associate Mr. Steven Salisbury and I are late for lunch!"

"I know it's you Malfoy! I'll get you for this!"

"I'll send you some pamphlets, Weasel." he cried before hanging up.

Snape and Lucius looked at each other and cracked up. "We really had him going for a while," Lucius said through his laughter. "I'm assuming Steven Salisbury was me? Even though my initials aren't SS anymore, I might add..." Snape said. "Oh yeah, I forgot." Lucius said. "My turn, truth or dare?"

"Truth." Snape said automatically. Lucius grinned. "What are you afraid to say dare?" he asked.

"From you? Yes. Terribly afraid. And with good reason." Snape retorted.

"Fine. Is Black a good kisser, then?" Lucius asked.

"Honestly, what is with you and asking about him?" Snape asked, astonished.

"Well, I just want to know about the love of my dearest friend Sevvy's life." he said in a sickening sweet voice. "His knight in shining armor, who whisked him off his feet and into a fairytale. The man who makes his heart sing. The man who--" Lucius was cut off, as he dodged being viciously waked with his own cane. "Well answer the question Sev, and tell the truth, or I'll get out some Veritaserum and then ask you..." Lucius said with a malicious smile.

"Well, I don't know, really. He only kissed me once at the wedding, remember? And that was over pretty fast, so I didn't have time to tell." Snape said, feeling the need to blush like a schoolgirl, which had to be a first in his thirty-something years of life.

"That's it?!?!? Once?" Lucius gasped. "That is the last straw Severus! We are going to do something about this problem right now. You're married for Gods sake! I dare you to kiss him as soon as he gets home and walks through the door!"

"Hey, you can't do that! I picked truth!" Snape protested.

"Oh right. Well then, we'll make a bet. If you kiss him I pay you, you chicken out, you pay me." Lucius said, determined.

"No way," Snape said, crossing his arms. "No amount of money is enough to do that."

"Oh stop being a baby Severus. How 'bout 1000 galleons?"

"Make it 1500 and we got a deal."

"1250, no more, no less."

"Done."

"Great," Lucius said shaking hands with his old friend. "Now let's go watch some Muggle TV!" he cried happily, scampering into the other room, humming happily to himself.

_Two hours later..._

Snape and Lucius we're plopped down on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and some tissues in front of the television. They had already watched Days of Our Lives and All my Children and we're now watching Steel Magnolias. "Poor Julia Roberts!" Lucius sobbed, burying his head in Severus's shoulder sobbing. He had been tearing through box after box of tissues ever since the opening credits. Snape patted his friend on the shoulder sympathetically. "Okay, let's watch something else." Lucius said, dabbing his eyes with is famous pink handkerchief and flipping through the channels.

"OOOh Lord of the Rings is on! That Orlando's awesome, I love that hair!" Snape stared. "It looks EXACTLY like yours!" Lucius stared at his friend like he'd just grown six purple tentacles. "It does not!" he cried indignantly. "My hair has much more bounce than his, and look at those split ends!" he said, gesturing towards the TV. "Whatever you say Luce," he said, watching him flip through and issue of Victoria's Secret. "Oh this would look so cute on me..er..I mean on Narcissa!" he cried, pointing at piece of leather lingerie. Snape shook his head sadly. "You have problems Lucius."

Lucius sighed. "I'm bored." he said sadly. "How long until Black gets home?" he asked grinning mischievously. Snape looked at the clock on the wall. "We should be home in two hours...Why....??" he asked suspiciously. "Oh no reason..." Lucius said, getting up and walking behind Snape. "I just thought maybe we should freshen you up a bit before he gets home is all."

"Freshen up?" he asked, narrowing his eyes. "Oh please Sev!" Lucius said, practically begging him. Snape sighed. "Even though I am morally against it, some greater force (that's me!) is making me reluctantly agree." Lucius flung his arms around his friend. "Yay!" he squealed happily. "C'mon Severus, it's time for your makeover!" he shouted happily, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him into the bedroom.

...

Severus was sitting in a chair, his head leaned back in a sink, (yes they are in the bathroom now) Lucius washing his hair and telling old stories from back when they were at Hogwarts. "--And so then I hung him up from the Whomping Willow by his robes and said 'That'll teach you to sneak into my door and steal my pink underwear!'..." Lucius finished triumphantly. "Yes Lucius, I remember that day like it was yesterday. Black was scared for life after that I'm sure." he said with a smirk. The he frowned slightly. "Lucius why are YOU washing my hair, why can't we just magically wash it?" he asked suddenly.

Lucius sighed impatiently. "Because it's done better by hand. And you need a lot of work, no offence intended," he said. "You're lucky you have some one of my talents to help you." Snape snorted. "You're talents?? You remember that time you went up that sycamore tree to get a cat down and got stuck up there yourself? Took us a whole three hours to get you down. That's talent alright." he said, snickering. "That was once Severus!" he said angrily. "And stop fidgeting and let me finish," he said calming down as he looked at the clock.

_Yet another two hours later..._

...

"I'm home." Sirius said, walking in to a seemingly empty house. 'Where is everyone?' he thought. "Coming!" he heard Snape call back. He heard rustling from the bedroom and saw the door open. "Sna-I mean Severus, where's Harry? If he's out with that Malfoy boy again I'll--" he said, stopping short when he saw Snape emerge. Sirius's eyes widened. This man couldn't be Snape....could he?? His normally greasy hair was clean and well, silky looking. He was wearing leather pants and a tight black silk shirt that showed off the body that you never see behind those robes. Sirius knew the students at Hogwarts often made jokes about him, calling him scrawny, but that wasn't exactly accurate. He had a small muscle build for such a thin, pale man. "Hey," Snape said carelessly striding over to Sirius. Snape smiled at the dumbfounded look on his face. Sirius noticed when he smiled his teeth were straight and white, so white it was almost blinding. As he got closer, Sirius could smell that he was wearing a sweet-smelling (and very expensive, thank you Lucius) cologne. All in all, he looked good. More than good in fact, but Sirius wasn't quite ready to admit that yet.

Sirius was caught off-guard. "Severus, what is this all abo-" Sirius managed, before Snape placed his hands behind his head and pulled him into a long kiss. Sirius gasped, which allowed him to slip his tongue into Sirius's mouth. It was at that point Harry happened to get home from Diagon Alley. He walked in about to speak, when he caught site of his godfather and the words died in his mouth. Harry stood there in awe. "Why is it I always miss everything interesting that happens?" he whispered aloud quietly. "Tell me about it." said a voice from behind the sofa. "Mr. Malfoy?" Harry asked, perplexed.

Snape could have sworn he felt Sirius kiss him back, before Snape pulled away, desperate for air. Snape just stared at him, watching his reaction. Sirius stood there in what seemed like a (happy) daze before he finally snapped out of it. "What the bloody hell was that all about?" he asked shakily, recovering quickly. "Uh hi Sirius...Hi Severus." Harry said, feeling like an intruder. Sirius and Snape both realized his presence for the first time, and Sirius felt himself go red.

"P-Pay up Malfoy." Snape said to the sofa. Sirius looked confused. "Alright, alright." Lucius said, coming out from behind it. Lucius handed him his 1250 galleons, with a smug expression. "I'll uh show you to the door," Snape said, avoiding Lucius's eyes, and leaving Sirius to try and explain to Harry.

"Well..?" Lucius whispered when they reached the door. "He is a really good kisser." Snape mumbled, knowing Lucius would just put Truth Serum into his tea if he didn't tell him. Lucius wore a very self-satisfied smile. "I knew it..." he said in a sing-song voice. "Yeah, yeah." Snape said looking down at the ground, sheepishly. "Well you can thank me later, I better get going before Black kicks me out. I'm taking Narcissa and Draco out for dinner tonight anyway. And I do believe you have some explaining to do..." he continued happily. "I'll stop by in a day or two, once things have cooled down a bit." he said with a wink. "Oh and Congrats Severus, you finally got a good snog!" he cried, before raising his wand (which is the top half of his cane, in case you didn't know that) and Disapparating to Malfoy Manor, snickering at his own cleverness.

Snape shut the door. _'Oh I'll get him for that.'_ he thought to himself.

...

"So you had a bet with Malfoy?" Sirius concluded after Snape finished explaining everything. "How much did you get?"

"One thousand and two hundred and fifty galleons, why?" Snape told him. Sirius whistled appreciatively. "Wow I didn't know I was worth that much to you, Why Sevvy, I'm touched," Snape stayed silent, having no retort, witty or otherwise.

"Okay, well give it here." Sirius said, indicating his out-stretched hand. "What? No! Why?" Snape said appalled. "It's my money! I uh earned it." he said, blushing slightly at this. "Yes, well we're married now. And there is no such thing as MY money anymore, it's OUR money." He said grinning. "He has a point you know..." Harry said, siding with Sirius. Snape grumbled unhappily, but he forked over the money. Snape was about to say something else too, but just then the phone rang (yes, that damn Muggle device again)

Sirius looked confused. "When did we get a phone?" he asked. "No idea." Harry said, he too looking puzzled. Sirius looked at Snape. Snape shrugged. "How should I know? It's your house." he said nonchalantly. "It's your house too you know." Sirius said softly, almost tenderly. Snape looked up at him to see he was staring intently at him. Their eyes locked and Snape was almost about to say something nice before he was, once again, interrupted. "Accio Phone." Sirius said quietly, breaking the gaze. The phone flew across the room and into his hand. "Uh Hello." he said.

He listened for a moment. "No you cannot have a year's free supply of condoms!!!" he shouted. "No this ISN'T Lucius Malfoy! Why you--" Harry snatched the phone away from him. "Hello?" he said, laughing at his godfather's outburst. Harry was silent, listening. "Mr. Weasley??!??!?!? Is that you?!??!" he asked incredulously, not believing what he was hearing. "It is you! Oh wait till I tell Ron and Ginny!" Harry said, doubling over with laughter. Even Sirius had to laugh.

Sirius walked over to Snape, who had taken this opportunity to slink away to the other side the room and innocently face the other direction. Sirius lay his hand on Snape's shoulder, making him turn around and face him. "You didn't happen to have anything to do with this, did you?" Sirius asked, grinning knowingly. "Not a thing." Snape said, a small smile playing about his lips.

**A/N:** I think Lucius did a good job on the makeover...don't you? XD


	9. Chapter 9: An Invitation

**A/N:** This is a pretty short chapter, but it's really only supposed to give you a little bit of an introduction before the next chapter. It's got a few laughs, and a sweet scene at the end, so it ain't half bad. Now go REVIEW, lest you break my little heart in two and I shall sob for days on end...

…

The next day around noon, the doorbell rang. Sirius cautiously walked over to the door. He was starting to wonder whether he had a sign on his door that said "Free Booze! Knock here!"

_'Lord knows who could be there this time.'_ he thought, turning the doorknob. "Oh hello Lucius." he said, slightly relieved it wasn't a Dementor or even worse, Fudge. " 'Lo Sirius," Lucius said, cheerfully. _'Too cheerfully...'_ Sirius thought. "Well, I'll get Severus for you, then." Sirius said, feeling slightly suspicious. Seconds later Snape appeared at the door. "Hello Lucius," Snape said. "What brings you here?"

"I can't stay very long Severus...I just popped in for a bit of a chat...Oh and I just wanted to invite you to dinner tomorrow night."

"Me?" Snape asked. "Well actually you, Black, and Potter. Narcissa and I are very anxious to meet your new husband and the young man Draco is dating after all."

"But you've already met Sirius and Potter." Snape pointed out.

"Yes, well, I mean formally, where we can sit down and get to know each other and all that crap...It was Narcissa's idea."

"Oh alright then, sure, we'll be there." Snape said. "Oh and by the way how was your dinner with Narcissa?" he asked.

"It was good, except I slammed my face into those sneeze guards they have over salad bars." Lucius said, his eyes narrowing. "Sneeze guards...my sworn enemy."

"I thought Harry Potter was your sworn enemy." Snape said pointedly.

"Oh yeah, him too. Okay so, Harry Potter and sneeze guards, my sworn enemies."

"What about Gryffindors?" Snape said. "Aren't you sworn against them too?"

"Well yes, them too."

"And mud-bloods. Can't leave them out either."

"Yeah--"

"And basically all non-Slytherins, Mud-Blood lovers, or non-pure bloods, for that matter."

"Yes, but--"

"And don't forget about squirrels."

"Oh definitely." Lucius said shuddering, falling into a flashback.

_Flashback_

"OOOh come here little squirrlies." Lucius said happily, holding out a handful of peanuts to the innocent (ha!) looking animals. The squirrels cautiously scampered over to Lucius, sniffing the peanuts. "That's it," Lucius encouraged. "C'mon guys don't be shy. Awww you guys are so adorable! Look at you cute fluffy little tails! Tee hee!" Obviously Lucius had made a dire mistake in mentioning their tails. The squirrels reared up on their hind legs, launching themselves at Lucius. Soon he was surrounded by squirrels, lost in a blur or furs, screaming and kicking violently; while they dug they dug their teeth into his skin. Lucius continued to scream.

Lucius cringed, coming back to the present and out of that horrible nightmare.

"So if you had to choose just one sworn enemy, who would you pick?" Snape asked, smirking.

Lucius thought about it. "Well I guess I'd pick Harry Potter because I'm 'evil'..." Lucius said, doing the little bunny ear quotation things.

"And this is the same Harry Potter who you're letting your son, heir to the Malfoy name, date, is that right Luce?" Snape responded. "Well, yeahl" Lucius said, reluctantly. "See the thing about that is—er—Well Shut up! You don't even have kids, don't tell me how to raise mine!" he shouted, slightly agitated.

Lucius glanced at his watch. "I've got to run, I'm late for a massage." he said, turning to go.

"Wait, what time should we arrive?"

"At seven sharp. Don't be late and...Do wear something respectable." Lucius said, scoffing at Snape's Muggle clothes, before disappearing.

...

_Later that night..._

"Hello darling." Sirius said, walking into the room.

"Why hello honey." Severus replied, putting down the book he was reading. (Which happened to be Sex for Dummies)

Sirius sat down to Snape on the sofa, kissing him on the tip of his nose. "Have I told you lately how much I love you, sugar-wugar honey bear?"

Snape giggled. "Hmmm...Not in the last five minutes, my little caramel- coated snicker-doodle, no."

"Well let me remind you then," Sirius said, butterfly-kissing him.

"I love you, my sweet chinchilla prince." Snape cooed.

"I love you too, my spicy little love kitten." Sirius replied, kissing his hand.

"Oh Sirius-wirius, my love for you burns with the fiery intensity of a thousand Suns. Let's go off together to wear tights, pick flowers and watch the sunset, and write epic sonnets and ballads about our undying love!" Snape proclaimed, taking his hand as flowers, rainbows, and heart shaped confetti rained down from the pink ceiling.

Sirius woke up in bed in a cold sweat, screaming. _'Oh my Gods,'_ he thought _'That was awful!'_ Sirius glanced around, relieved. _'It was just a dream...' _

Sirius switched on the light and looked over at Snape. He was tossing and turning in his sleep again, having one of his usual nightmares. Sirius had grown use to them by now, they happened almost every night. Sirius reached over to turn out the light when he overheard Snape rambling in his sleep. "No...No...Not him, please, no..." he mumbled, pleadingly. "No...Sirius...No..." Sirius stopped, arm still outstretched toward the lamp. 'Did I hear what I just think I heard?' he thought. Sirius stopped and listened again. "No, no." Severus repeated, thrashing in his sleep. _'He's going to fall off the bed, not to mention wake the whole neighborhood, if I don't wake him up now.'_

"Severus," he said shaking him. "Wake up!" Snape groaned and continued thrashing, still caught in a horrible nightmare. "Severus!" he repeated. Sirius looked at the sleeping man. He looked severely upset, and was it just his imagination or was he shaking? Sirius felt torn. _'What am I supposed to do? I have to do something; I can't just leave him like this...' _Sirius, following his instincts, doing the only thing he could to console him, embraced him.

Severus woke suddenly to the feeling of warm arms around him. It was a comforting feeling, something he hadn't felt in a long time. He heard a soothing voice whispering in his ear. "Wake up Severus. It was just a nightmare." Snape wrapped his arms around the person as well, drinking in their warmth. Snape opened his eyes, finding himself staring at Sirius once they focused. "You okay?" Sirius asked, withdrawing his arms. Snape instantly wished he hadn't. He missed the feeling of security he felt in them...almost like he belonged. _'Get a hold of yourself Severus.'_ Snape shook his head, trying to clear it and pull himself together a bit. 'Uh yeah, I'm fine." Snape said, too emotionally exhausted to put up his scornful facade. They were silent a moment. "What was it about?" Sirius asked suddenly. Snape stayed quiet. "I was in it, wasn't I?" Sirius said. Snape paled, quite a feat for him already being so pale, though it was hard to tell in the bad light. "I-I don't remember." he lied. Sirius smiled and tuned out the light_. 'I was in danger and he was concerned.'_ Sirius thought, feeling smug and, well, pleased.

Snape lay facing away from Sirius. He felt Sirius's body shift and, ever so slowly and very inconspicuously, move one inch closer to Snape's on the bed. Snape smiled, and moments later, he was sleeping peacefully.

**A/N**: Awwww ::wipes eyes:: So you think it was okay? It came out different than I intended it to, but, eh oh well. Next chapter is going to be awesome! Dinner at Malfoy Manor! I have no idea what Malfoy Manor even looks like, so I'll have to wing it there. ::laughs maliciously at her plans for chapter ten:: OOO goodie! I can't wait to update... I truly love ! You know what else I love....REVIEWS!. --- And if you didn't already review, what are you doing HERE?! Go now!! Git! Skedaddle!---

Oh and also, when Sirius was having his nightmare, he wasn't terrified out of his bloody mind by the fact him and Snape were....together. It was the lovey-dovey crap and the horrifically sugary sweet sickening makes-you- wanna-gag pet names I created for them to call each other which were induced by caffeine and the fact I just wanted to mess with Sirius's mind some more!


	10. Chapter 10: At Malfoy Manor

Disclaimer: Ugh. Time for another disclaimer I suppose. I haven't done one in a while. Okay, but is the LAST ONE. I hate them, which is why I only have two. I don't own anything. I own this computer, and that is about it. I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters (duh) they belong to J. K. Rowling. I also don't own X Men, (who are mentioned in this chapter) cuz if I did I'd have probably married Wolverine or Pyro by now. They belong to some comic book, I guess, not sure which one, maybe Marvel. Or is that just Spider-Man? Oh well.

A/N: WHOO! Chapter 10 is up! Yay we have made it to the double digits of chapters. This is MY LONGEST CHAPTER YET! Its 3,568 words, 8 pages! Whoo! Hope you like. Had to improvise the whole Malfoy Manor look, don't think I did that good a job. But I'M IN THIS CHAPTER!!!!

…

Snape glanced at the clock. 7:05. "We're late!"

"I know that, but I can't decide on which robes to wear!" Harry's voice whined from the bathroom. Snape hung his head, exasperated. "Might as well tell em' we aren't comin' tonight." Five agonizingly boring minutes later, Harry came out, robes and all. "Okay, I'm good. Let's go."

"Finally," Sirius mumbled. "Okay, ready?" Snape said raising his wand above his head. "Uh, Severus, what are you doing?" Harry asked. "I believe I was about to Apparate to Malfoy Manor, what are you doing?" Snape replied, sarcastically.

"We can't Apparate, I don't know how. I don't have my license yet." Harry said

"Well do you have any other better ideas?" Snape asked, impatiently.

"Floo Powder?"

"The Malfoy's only fireplace is under reconstruction. That would assuredly be a messy affair."

"Knight Bus?"

"Do you have any idea how much it costs for three wizards on the Knight Bus?!? And we're broke, as it were."

"Muggle transportation?" Harry attempted, as a feeble last try.

Snape scoffed. "That doesn't even deserve an answer," Snape was silent, thinking. "Okay, I have a plan. I'll attempt Side-Along Apparation. It is powerful magic that should Apparate us both. Kind of like the Incredible Night Crawler in X2: X Men United. Man that movie was so awesome! You remember the part when Magneto pulled the liquid metal from that guy's blood?! Haha, that was brilliant...that stupid bloke, he should have never trusted--"

"Ahem," Sirius said, clearing his throat, interrupting Snape. "Right. Sorry. Come here then Potter." Snape draped his arm around Harry's shoulder. "To Malfoy Manor," he said before they all disappeared, which was quite unnecessary, but hey, he felt like being dramatic.

...

They all landed with a thump in the wet grass, several feet outside the gates leading to Malfoy Manor. "Harry, you alright?" Sirius asked. "What?" Harry said, rather loudly. "I said, are you alright!" Sirius said louder, helping his godson to his feet. "Oh Gods," Sirius said when he looked at him. "Shit, great going 'Night crawler' look what you did to him!" Sirius shouted at Snape. "What?" Harry said again, looking at both of them. Snape looked, then groaned. Harry was missing an ear.

...

Twenty minutes later, Lucius the door to three exhausted looking men. Lucius looked them over. Sirius hair was tied back and he was wearing dark green robes. Snape was wearing dark blue robes with the Slytherin crest embodied on the front, and Harry's were a deep purple. There was something different about Harry, but Lucius couldn't quite put his finger on it. They all look perplexed. "You're late," Lucius said frowning. Lucius was wearing silk black robes, his hair tied in a black bow, (like in the CoS movie!)

"What?" Harry said. "Sorry, we Apparated and Harry lost his ear." Snape said sheepishly, pointing at the ear Harry was clutching tightly in his hand. "Yeah, and we found it three miles away in some Muggle family's soup. We had to Memory Charm the lot of them. And now we can't figure out how to get the ear back on." Sirius said. Lucius sighed. "Gimme the ear. And c'mere boy."

"What?" Harry asked again. Lucius grabbed the ear out of Harry's hand and put it near his mouth. "COME HERE HARRY!" he screamed into the ear. "Ow!" Harry cried, "Okay, okay, I'm coming."

Lucius was able to get the ear back on though, much to Lucius pleasure, it would only stay on crooked.

...

After the initial introductions and pre-dinner small talk, Narcissa pulled Snape to the side. "May I speak with you privately?" she inquired. "Uh sure," Snape said, not sure what to expect. Lucius, hearing his wife, said to Sirius. "Of course. Sirius, would you care to have a tour of the grounds?" Lucius pulled Sirius away, before even giving him chance to speak. Snape sent Sirius a sympathetic look, as Sirius gazed after him with a face that clearly said 'Help me.'

"What is it Narcissa? Is everything alright?" Snape asked once they were alone, "Is Lucius sniffing Pixie Sticks again?"

"No, no, it's nothing like that," she said smiling, "I just wanted to congratulate you on your marriage."

"Why?" Snape asked, suspiciously.

"Listen, I know my cousin, and--okay well I don't really know him at all," she said, seeing the look matter-of-fact Snape was casting her way, "He isn't blonde. That's just so odd! Lucius is blonde, Draco is blonde, the whole bloody family is but him! Ahem, anyway," she said, blushing at her outburst, "I'm a woman, I know instincts and I wanted to congratulate you and give you my blessing. I may not like my cousin, but I can tell by the way he looks at you that he cares about you very much." she said softly, he eyes locking with Snape's. Snape snorted. "Have you not noticed? His eyes follow you wherever you go, and he never lets you out of his sight." she replied. "Or maybe he does that because he feels I can't be trusted. You ever think of that?" Snape returned quietly. "Severus, denial is not just a river in Egypt you know." Narcissa pointed out.

"Sometimes the Ministry really knows what they're doing..." she said, turning to leave, throwing him a knowing glance over her shoulder.

...

Out in the courtyard with Sirius, Lucius was thinking about having a talk, like the one Narcissa gave to Snape, to Sirius as well. And he was truly was going to do it too. But being a lazy half-arse job kind of wizard, he decided against it, preferring to brag about his great wealth... Instead, he waited till Sirius turned around, before stepping into the shadows. Lucius raised a blue Pixie Stick to his nostril and sniffed deeply, his pupils dilating. "Oh yeah, that's the good stuff." he said, before beginning to cackle madly, which also succeeded in severely freaking Sirius out.

...

Harry and Draco were somewhere upstairs in a broom closet snogging, completely forgotten about.

...

_One hour later...  
_  
They were all seated in the Malfoy's dining room. _'Dining hall was more like it.' _Sirius thought, looking around. It was enormous. It was as big as the dining room at Hogwarts, if not larger. On the ceiling was a mural of Salazar Slytherin himself. Green and silver were everywhere you looked, from the carpet to the drapes, to the champagne glasses. The vast table was a thick-type of wood, with hand carved pictures that moved. A snake-picture slithered past Sirius, hissing at him. "He said hello," Harry said, indicating the snake-carving. "Tell him I say hi back then," Sirius said sarcastically, as Harry proceeded to have a Parsel Tongue conversation with the table. At least ten house elves scurried around the room, serving dinner on the solid gold plates, trying to stay out of range of Lucius's cane.

"So Sirius, do tell us, what is it you do?" Narcissa said. As Sirius proceeded to describe his job, he noticed that Harry and Draco were playing footsie under the table, and averted his eyes down to the table, feeling physically ill. "That's fantastic!" Lucius squealed, over enthusiastically and sounding slightly high. "Are you happy working at the Quibbler?" Lucius asked, pretending to sneeze into his cupped hands while really sniffing an orange Pixie Stick.

Sirius looked up, pushing his black cowboy hat out of his eyes with the tip of his thumb, and propped his cowboy boots on the table, leaning back in his chair. He took one last drag on his cigarette, before crushing it out on the back of his boot. "Well it's like they say back where I come from," Sirius said, in a thick southern accent, "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy." he said, looking at Lucius smiling. A second later he was back in his normal clothes, and his normal self. "What the bloody hell?!?!?!!" he spat. He turned behind him to see the Author standing in the corner, giggling holding a wand that was still-smoking from the Imperius curse. She blew him a kiss, then vanished instantly. "That was weird," Snape said, watching Sirius putting his head in his hands. "I will," Lucius said, replying to Sirius's previous statement, growling at him. A second later, Lucius's face looked disgusted. "I CANNOT believe I just said that! INCEST! INCEST!" he cried. "This is sick. Before you know it, I'll be hitting on Draco!"

"Not if I do it first!" Harry cried, running to Draco. "Hey Sexy Thang!" Harry cat-called, slapping Draco on the arse. Lucius sighed. "Maybe we just shouldn't talk..." he said. They were all silent for about half a minute before Snape broke the silence. "Wanna find out why me Roger is so jolly?" Snape said, dressed as a Jack Sparrow look alike, winking at Sirius. Sirius couldn't help but smile and raise his eyebrows suggestively. "WTF!" Snape cried, whirling around to see the Author, as Harry gasped at Snape's language, automatically covering Draco's ears. "Harry, stop it!" Draco shouted, pushing his hands off his ears.

"Ta!" she said, mocking a salute at Snape and bowing, before she was gone again. Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "Okay maybe we should--" he said, before getting cut off. "Good 'ay mates!" Lucius said, in a perfectly good Australian accent. "Wanna have a go on my boomerang?" he said, grinning. Draco shuddered. "Oh My Gods, she got him too?" Sirius said, looking around for the young woman. "No," Narcissa said sighing "This is just the way he is." she said, flagging down a house elf, and demanding a scotch.  
...

Several minutes later, after everyone had calmed down a bit, Lucius turned to Harry. "So Harry, how's the whole trying-to-vanquish-the-Dark-Lord thing going?" he asked, attempting to make conversation. "Better than you'd expect actually," he said, digging into his roast beef, "Severus, being a spy for the Order and all, has told me all of his evil plans, so I out to be able to stop him next time." Lucius took a sip of from his glass. "Well that's nice." he said, cheerily. "What do you plan on doing after you've defeated him?"

"Funny you should ask." Harry replied, in a childlike voice, filled with excitement. "Well actually I plan on becoming the Supreme Magical Ruler of the World. I even have the crown and everything," he said, pulling out one of those cheapo cardboard Burger King crowns that come with kids' meals, and put it on his head lopsided, grinning like a fool. "And my first act as the Supreme Magical Ruler of the World, or SMROW as I like to call it for short, will be to forcedly make all monkeys wear tiny hats...I believe they shouldn't be allowed to live in such hatless sin." he finished, shaking his head sadly.

"And that day will be soon...Because what's even better is," Harry continued, his voice growing serious, "I know where Lord Voldemort is hiding." he said, so dramatically you could almost hear the dramatic music in the background. "Oh everyone knows where that is," Lucius said, bored. "He's right over there." he said gesturing lazily across the room.

Across the room, Voldemort rose from crouching behind the small cabinet he'd been unsuccessfully trying to conceal himself with, thought it was only less than half his height. "Damn it, you found me. Okay, let me hide again. And NO peeking!" he cried. A second later he was on the other side of the room with a lampshade over his head. "I am a lamp. I am lamp." he muttered to himself. "Well that's no better!" Harry called, "And besides lamps don't talk."

"Silence you fool!" Voldemort cried, thunder sounding throughout the room "I am Lord Voldemort! Fear me and the wrath you have evoked upon yourself! You shall pay!" he cried, a cloud of smoke encircling him with another crack of thunder. A second later the smoke cleared, revealing Voldemort hacking his lungs out, waving smoke out off his face, while shaking large pieces of tin foil (the thunder) "Okay, that didn't work out quite as I expected, let me give that another try." Voldemort pulled out a small book titled "Being Evil by Britney Spears" and he skimmed through it thoughtfully.

"Okay, let's do this again." Voldemort said, closing the book, then commencing to laugh an evil, blood chilling laugh, once again vanishing in smoke. When the smoke cleared, the others saw Voldemort at the door, his hand on the door knob, about to exit. "Dammit!" Voldemort cursed, letting go of the door. "I almost made it that time too." Voldemort scowled. "Alright, let's pretend you can't see me, and I'm going to leave..." Voldemort said, heading towards the door. He stopped, "Well since you can't see me..." he said, approaching the table. He grabbed a large plate of red Jell-o and poured the whole thing down his pants. "Hehe! That feels funny." he said giggling, and left. A second later, he popped his head back in the doorway. "Oh and Harry, the blasted mailman keeps sending me your mail. I'll be sure to have him tortured and killed....and I'll send you your issues of CosmoGirl too." he said, before leaving for good. "I need a smoke," he muttered.

...

The rest of the dinner went well, as they found a better subject to discuss. Quidditch! And this kept the dinner nice and normal for the rest of the evening as they all finished eating (Most of them had been too busy previously to actually eat the dinner) "Well we really should be going..." Snape said, after they had all finished.

...

"So what'd you think of the Malfoys?" Snape asked. "That Lucius is a real nut-job," Harry said, saying nut-job in a very high-pitched mocking voice. "Yeah, he's a real screwball." Sirius added. "Ummm, guys, you're not home yet. You're still here...sitting at our table in fact." Narcissa interjected, as Lucius stormed from the room crying. "Right." Sirius said, all of them feeling embarrassed. Snape sighed, and threw his napkin down on the table. "I'll go get him."

...

After straightening things out with Lucius and deciding to stay a little while longer for drinks, everyone found themselves outside on the patio. Snape and Sirius (being recovering alcoholics after all) only sipped at their wine. Narcissa was in the corner with Sirius, and was, unwillingly on his part, being roped into conversation. Harry and Draco stood at the balcony together, holding hands very discreetly. "Psssst, Severus," Lucius said, gesturing with a nod of his head towards the dining room as he turned to go.

"Thanks for coming with me. Narcissa never lets me leave 'unsupervised.' She says I can't be trusted or some such nonsense." He said, pulling a yellow Pixie Stick out of his robe pocket and inhaling deeply. "You know you were supposed to quit," Snape said, dryly. "I can't!" Lucius cried, hugging the stick to his chest protectively, "They are utterly addictive. I bloody tried, but anyone who says tobacco is addictive has obviously never sniffed one of these babies," he said. "Screw that, this is like a drug in itself. Just don't tell anyone I haven't quit. Especially Draco. He still hasn't gotten the concept of 'Do as I say, not as I do,' down yet. You have no idea how hard it is to raise children and be a role model," Lucius said, finishing up the stick.

"No I don't, and I hope I never have to if I can help it," Snape said frowning. "What do you mean 'and I hope I never have to if I can help it," Lucius said, imitating his friend's serious voice. "It's not like anyone is forcing you to have kids." Lucius said, scoffing. "Well actually..." Snape said, as he went on to tell him what Fudge had said to him and Sirius. Lucius let out a kind of laugh-gasp, which is pretty hard to accomplish. "He-He wants you to be a MOTHER!" Lucius said, trying to talk through his bout of laughter. "You'd probably smash the kid's head in if he breathed in your direction! Besides, how does he expect you guys to have children, eh?"

"I can explain that!" Fudge said in a delighted voice, apparating instantly in front of them, puppets in hand. "Have you been watching us the whole time?" Snape asked incredulously. "Yeah, pretty much." Fudge replied.

"Did you also see when Lord Voldemort interrupted our dinner? And if so, why didn't you people at the Ministry get off your lazy arses and do something!" Snape shouted. "Er, no, I must have been in the bathroom at the time." Fudge admitted sheepishly. "Typical," Snape muttered under his breath.

"How did you apparate here? No one can apparate directly into Malfoy Manor, I made sure of that." Lucius said, astonished.

"Well, er, we're all powerful! And plus I can do anything I'm Superman!" Fudge cried, blowing a miniature cape taped to his back in a rather messy fashion. "Whoosh."

"That is ridiculous. You are not Superman!" Snape cried.

"Wait, wait." Lucius said. "I'll find out whether he is or not. I have my ways..." he said, smiling.

"Are you Superman?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Really really?"

"Yes."

"Really really really?"

"Yes."

"Hmmmm....well I'm convinced, but for Severus's sake, I'm going to have to ask you some questions. What is your real name, 'Superman'?"

"Clark Kent."

"Okay he checks out," Lucius said, turning to Snape.

"That's absurd!," Snape spluttered. "Any fan of Superman would know his real name and--"

But Lucius was already kneeling and bowing down to Fudge. "Oh mighty Superman," Lucius was saying. "Just call me Fudge." Fudge said smiling. Snape just looked at them sadly, with a look that clearly said 'I'm surrounded by idiots,'

"But that's not the reason I'm here," Fudge said, as Lucius rose to his feet. "I'm here to answer your question. Meet Sirius and Severus," he said, making the puppets wave as their names were called. "And this time you're going to see it all!"

...

_A half hour later..._

Snape didn't move, not sure whether to throw up or to laugh or both. Lucius's eyes were as big as dinner plates. "I learned so much..." he said in an awed voice. Sirius, who had walked in about halfway through to make sure Lucius hadn't killed Snape and escaped half way to Mexico now, just stood there, his mouth agape. "Did you have to show us in such great detail!" Sirius exclaimed, shocked. "Especially the sound effects!" Snape added. Harry looked quite pale and Draco was shuddering. They had walked in only a few minutes after Sirius had. At some point, Narcissa had walked in to see what all the fuss was about, then promptly turned right around and left, screaming. "I'll never look at Sirius and Sev the same way ever again," Draco said. "Yes, I think that we will both spend countless galleons on therapy because of this..." Harry agreed. "Tell me about it," Snape said. "You're preaching to the choir guys, we know." Sirius added.

...

"You all have to come to our house for dinner some time," Sirius said, shocked to hear the words coming out of his mouth. _'But hell, this isn't the weirdest thing tonight by far.'_ he thought.

"Oh yes, that would be lovely!" Narcissa said, looking genuinely pleased. "Sounds great," Lucius said, "I'll be in touch." "Did I just make friends with Malfoys?" he asked, once they were out of ear shot and several yards away from the castle. "Looks like it," Snape said, smirking, preparing to Disapparate. This time Harry threw both is heads over his ears, as if to hold them on.

Harry managed to get home with all his body parts intact. 'Hey you know what?" he said suddenly, once they were all inside. "I just realized. Why didn't we just make a Portkey then?"

"Oh and you think of this now, why? Now, after we hunted all over town for your bloody ear?!? Now that we're home you think of that."

"Oh bugger off. At least you got to be like Night Crawler. Except for his character is lame! He's incredibly boring." Harry said.

"That is not true!" Snape gasped.

"He hardly even had a part in the movie at all."

"Well that's because the writers suck."

"No it's because HE does, Storm is the best!"

"NO, Night Crawler is!"

"Storm!"

"Night Crawler!"

"Storm!"

"Night Crawler!"

"STORM!"

"NIGHT CRAWLER!"

"Stop it!" Sirius said, interjecting. "Stop acting like two petty children. For shame." Snape and Harry both hung their heads, ashamed. Everyone was silent for a moment. "Besides. Wolverine is the best, we all know that!"

"No, it's Storm!"

"Night Crawler!"

"Wolverine!"

...

_An hour or two later, and everyone is getting ready for bed..._

"Night Crawler" Snape called from the bathroom, where he was brushing his teeth.

"Wolverine." Sirius called back, while pulling on the boxers he slept in.

Snape emerged from the bathroom. "Truce? Wolverine is pretty awesome with those knife-claws."

"Truce. And Night Crawler has those wicked tattoos."

Snape paused. "You know, you didn't look half bad as cowboy," he said, grinning. Snape ducked the pillow that was thrown at him, and it hit a lamp instead. "I was just saying..." Snape muttered, smirking, getting into bed.

**A/N**: Does anyone else feel like screaming kiss damn you?! ::stops throwing popcorn at screen and turns around:: So waddya think? I was gonna make it way longer, but it is late, and I think I'll leave you hanging for a while. It is like 3 am and I am quite tired.

And I am totally 100 % on Sirius's side here, (as I always am)...Wolverine rules! I love Hugh Jackman. Snuck into the theater and saw half of Van Helsing, and it was frigging AWESOME! Not you know plot wise or cinematography wise, but you know hot lead guy wise. Can't wait till it comes to DVD and I can see the rest. Did you know he's AUSTRALIAN?!? Totally weird.

And for the record, they don't say Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy where Sirius comes from (which I assume is England) It's a very good, country song that I'm listening to as we speak. Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy by Big and Rich. Very dirty thought, as you can guess by the title. And I could not resist making Sirius a cowboy ::sighs happily:: nor could I resist making Snape a pirate (like Johnny Depp, HOTTIE) nor Lucius Australian like Keith Urban…and Hugh Jackman too I suppose.


	11. Chapter 11: A Trip to the Movies

**Disclaimer**: ::Sighs:: If everyone can manage to do one in every chapter maybe I can too...At least for a little while anyway be...Once again I do not own Harry Potter or any of the other characters. Believe me, if I ever do, you will be the first to know. I also don't own any other movies, books, or characters mentioned in this chapter. But I own the plot at least. And the reviews ::hint hint::

**A/N:** Alright people, the time is growing nearer. We all knew it would happen. Slash. It's coming. Meaning guy on guy, okay? Hobbit on hobbit...no wait that last part was the MTV Movie Awards never mind. But you get the picture. We all knew this day would come and it will soon. I eventually have to get them together. So if you are uncomfortable by this, I suggest you leave or cover your eyes or something, because I'm not going to deal with your flames. You don't like it keep it to yourself and leave. Well anyway it's not here yet, that's just a warning of what's to come.

…

A couple days later Sirius, Snape, and Harry were sitting uneventfully in the living room. "Screw this, this is boring," Snape declared, turning to Harry and Sirius "Wanna go to the movies?"

"Yeah!" Harry cried, coming out of his state of boredom and leaping up in excitement. "No," Sirius said, slumping down in his seat. "Let's go to Diagon Alley instead!" he shouted, his face brightening. Harry groaned. "Do you know how many times I've gone there in the last week? No, come on, let's go to the movies."

"Diagon Alley," Sirius shouted.

"Movies!" Snape and Harry shouted back.

"Okay, okay, I don't want another X Men argument repeat. Let's settle this like adults." Snape said, turning to Sirius.

"Rock, Paper, Scissors, Shoot." Snape called, shaking his fist up and down. "Ha, paper beats rock!"

"Dammit! You cheated!" Sirius cried instantly.

"How can you cheat at Rock Paper Scissors?" Snape inquired gloating. "But alright, we'll go to Diagon Alley tomorrow if we go to the movies today..." Snape said, desperate to escape this house and his boredom with it.

"Okay," Sirius said, sounding less upset. "What are we going to see?"

"Umm...I'm not sure." Harry said. "Sev?"

"Well actually I thought-" Snape started, before being cut off.

"Certainly not Prisoner of Azkaban, that's for sure." Sirius said his voice coated with disgust. "They totally butchered my character...and Remus's too."

"I agree," said Lupin appearing from nowhere. "I mean I have never seen a faker werewolf in my life. It was amazingly pathetic. And what was with me and listening to records all the time?"

"They made me out to be a psychopath! I was screaming and laughing at the most stupid moments and I was too busy raving about killing to explain anything at all!" Sirius added, outraged. "And they butchered my appearance too!"

"Well I was a sissy," Harry offered. "I practically stalked Lupin and I ran around sobbing under and Invisibility cloak for crying out loud."

"Well remember when I was having that Lily/Remus moment?" Lupin said, shaking his head incredulously.

"I know that was weird," both Sirius and Harry said at the same time.

"I was bloody brilliant though," Snape said smugly.

"...'Cept for the dress part," Sirius snorted.

"Longbottom," Snape said, eyes narrowing, remembering.

"And that moment with Harry and me was so disappointing," Sirius said. "We didn't even frigging hug!"

"I know right!" Harry said, "The man pours his soul out, invites me to live with him, and I save his life, and all we get is a measly 'you-look-so- much-like-your-father.' which is sweet, but I KNOW that already!" he said, taking this opportunity to hug Sirius. "Thought obviously, you did end up living with me anyway," Sirius pointed out, after they pulled away. "Seeing as how we're in my house as we speak."

"True," Harry said.

"It could have been worse though." Snape said, as they all nodded in agreement.

"Alright, so we aren't going see that," Snape said, "What I was thinking was-"

"See ya later," Lupin said interrupting, leaving now that his part was over.

"Can I bring Draco with us?" Harry asked.

"No." Snape said.

"Please?"

"NO!"

"But I feel so guilty when I don't include him in things, like I'm cheating on him or something." Harry said, pleading to Severus.

"That's ridiculous. That's not cheating. If you and Severus just starting making out right now, aside from that being really wrong, it would be cheating. On Draco and me too I suppose." Sirius said, pausing for a second to take a breath. "Severus, you bastard, how could you do that!?"

"Ummm, I didn't. You were just using imagery to explain to him, remember?" Snape said, cautiously.

"Errrrr, right. Sorry." Sirius said sheepishly. "But fine, you can bring Draco if you must."

"Okay," Harry replied happily, his guilt put aside. "So for the tenth time, what are we going to see?"

Snape sighed. "At the risk of being interrupted again I think that we should see-"

"Hiya guys! Brought your mail!" the mailman shouted gleefully, poking his head through the open doorway, holding up several envelopes. "Argh!" Snape screamed, punching the mailman in the face, knocking him unconscious and slamming the door. "Anyone else?" Snape said, panting angrily. Sirius and Harry shook their heads mutely. "As I was saying, there's a theater I know of that's reshowing X Men 2..." he said, trailing off. "What are we waiting for?" Sirius said, grabbing both Snape and Harry out the door, ignoring the unconscious body of the mailman on the front step, "Let's go going!"

...

Twenty minutes later, Snape, Sirius, Harry and Draco were seated in the theater, watching the annoying ads they play before the movie. "I hate these bloody things." Snape growled, indicting the ads. "I mean Leg Wax for Men? What man waxes his legs!?!" Snape was silenced as Draco timidly raised his hand. Snape sighed and Sirius snorted into the popcorn. Harry merely glared and continued eating from the large and quite extensive array of cereals he had brought with him. Ten minutes into a discussion with Sirius, Snape heard a familiar voice coming from one of the seats behind him. "Damn squeaky chair. You have evoked the wrath of a Malfoy! Prepare to die!" Yes, it would have been pretty hard not to notice that.

"Lucius?" Snape asked, whirling around. "Dad?" Draco inquired. "Severus?" Lucius asked, lowering his wand that he had been about to incinerate the chair with. "I didn't know you were going to be here." Lucius said. "Yeah right, like you had no idea whatsoever." Snape scoffed. "No really, for once I wasn't stalking you or anything," Lucius said sincerely, "What are you doing coming to see Tigger's Big Movie?"

"What the bloody hell? Luce I think you're in the wrong theater, old friend." Snape said, biting down on his lower lip to keep from smirking. "Oh." Lucius said, looking slightly forlorn. "Heck, why don't you come sit with us," Snape said, feeling sorry for him. Lucius beamed. "Okay," He said, settling down in a seat next to Snape.

Lucius leaned over and whispered to Harry, pointing at the sack he kept all the snacks in. "Got any Pixie Sticks?" he asked, keeping his voice level. Harry grinned, and passed him a full bag. Lucius squealed happily, hugging the bag to his chest. "It'll be our little secret, Mr. Malfoy." Harry said. "Draco told me you aren't supposed to have any." Lucius smiled. "Call me Lucius. Apparently you've earned my trust by this small act," he said, taking out a purple stick and tearing off the end of the wrapper, as the lights dimmed and the annoying previews began.

_Sometime during the (beginning-middle) of the movie..._

Snape groaned in annoyance inwardly. Lucius was an incredibly unbearable person to bring to the movies. "Is he gonna get hurt...AH...he did. Wait he can't he like heal himself? Oh yeah he just did, he's okay. That must have stung something awful though. Is his real name Logan? If he has amnesia how would he realize he has amnesia? And how would he know what his name is or not? Unless he had a birth certificate or something. Or maybe a tattoo. Unless he had a tattoo that said Logan because he was dating someone named Logan, then that would present problems." He said, propping his feet up on the person's seat in front of him, making that person turn around and make irritated grunting noises, hoping he'd get the hint. But of course he didn't.

"Lucius, shut up!" Snape growled. But of course, that didn't discourage him in the slightest. No, not Lucius. "So is Night Crawler evil, then? Why'd he attack the President? Hehe, when he pinned the President down on his desk I was so absolutely sure they were gonna do something else..." he said, giggling uncontrollably.

"Lucius!" Snape barked. "Shut. Up." Undaunted, Lucius continued. "Magneto looks somewhat like Dumbledore doesn't he? I mean if he had a long beard and everything." There was a chorus of people around Lucius "SHHHHHHH!"

"Don't you shush me!" Lucius cried, indignantly. Snape just sunk lower in his seat.

At that exact moment in the movie, the government agents raided the school and shot the first child with darts to the neck, making both Sirius and Lucius gasp simultaneously, and clutch Snape's hands (his hands were hogging the armrest after all) Snape rolled his eyes. _'Well this is just great. After the movie, why don't we all just go outside and have a big orgy.'_ Snape's eyes widened in shock. _'I can't believe I just thought that!'_ Snape gagged, trying to get those visions of Lucius out of his head_. 'That's so sick.'_ Snape thought to himself, shuddering, then turned to Sirius. "Pass me the butt sex-er- I mean Corn Chex!" Snape coughed. Sirius, who had been drinking soda at the time, choked and spit it all over the people in front of him. But it was just Bellatrix Lestrange and her husband so he didn't mind at all. Sirius gave Snape a weird look, but passed him the cereal.

...

Before the movie was little than halfway through, Lucius had managed to get them all kicked out of the theater with his repeated talking. That and the fact that he had blasted a hole in the screen with his wand, screaming curses in a fury when the Ice Man's brother called the police. Thought in truth, the others weren't that much better themselves. They had all burst into shouts, whistles and applause when their favorite characters came on screen after all. (Yes, even Draco, who's favorite was Rogue.)

"So what do you want to do now?" Harry asked, as they all stood out back of the theater in a very cramped alley.

"Well, we're banned from there for life now," Snape said, directing his eyes as Lucius.

"Er, sorry." Lucius mumbled, looking down at the ground.

"Well it depends; do you want to finish the movie?" Draco asked.

"What do you mean?" Lucius asked.

"We could just go to a Muggle video store and rent the movie, if we wanted to finish it." Draco pointed out.

"Brilliant idea!" Harry cried, obviously proud of him.  
...

Fifteen minutes later, they found themselves standing outside of Blockbuster. "Er, Lucius, maybe you should stay outside," Snape suggested. "Why?" Lucius whined.

"Two reasons," Snape said. "One, because you apparently have a knack for getting us kicked out of places and two you sort of...er...stick out." Lucius was indeed the only one not wearing Muggle clothes, and the one carrying a menacing looking cane. Lucius glared. "I don't care, I'm going in and you can't stop me!" he said haughtily, sticking out his tongue. The group sighed, but didn't protest any further. Once Lucius's mind was made up, he wasn't going listen.

After a twenty minute search, they were, with Harry's help, able to locate the DVD. "OOOh special features," Lucius cooed looking at the case, walking up to the checkout counter. The young man behind was a man in his twenties with a nametag that said 'HELLO my name is Jerry.'

"Hi, how can I help you?" he asked cheerfully, since it was almost quitting time. "Aw, what an adorable Muggle," Lucius said "I'm going to try and communicate with it," he said, turning back to the man. "HELLO MY NAME IS LUCIUS." he said loudly, pronouncing every word slowly. "Luce you don't have to-" Snape said, but to no avail. "I WOULD LIKE TO UH...AS YOU MUGGLES SAY, RENT THIS DVD!" he yelled, making many people turn and look. Harry slapped his hand to his face, shaking his head. "Ummm, alright sir," the very confused Jerry replied. "Do you want to pay with cash or credit?"

"HOLD ON FOR ONE MOMENT MY GOOD MAN." Lucius said to Jerry. "Anyone got any Muggle money?" he asked, bringing the group into a huddle. They shook their heads. "How 'bout a credit card?" Harry asked. Again they shook their heads. "Don't worry; I'll take care of this." Lucius said.

"_Stupefy_!" he shrieked, pointing at Jerry. Instantly the man was frozen. "I'll be taking this," he said happily, grabbing the DVD and exiting the store. The others just sighed and followed him out. "I don't think we'll ever be welcome here again either," Draco grumbled. Harry was the last to walk out mouthing 'I'm so sorry' at the frozen statue that was the man as he left. "See I told you, it was a good think I came," Lucius gloated "Now let's get the hell out of here before the Ministry comes."  
...

_At Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place_

Everyone sat happily watching the DVD on a DVD player Sirius had conjured up, eating popcorn and, in Harry and Draco's case, snuggling. Sirius rolled his eyes, scooting farther away from them and coincidentally closer to Snape. "Yum, popcorn." Lucius said, stuffing handfuls in his mouth at a time. "You know what are really good. S'mores. We should make some. They'd be perfect right now. In fact-" Lucius started. "_Silencio_!" Snape cried, pointing his wand at Lucius. Lucius gasped soundlessly, looking offended. He opened and closed his mouth several times, but nothing came out. Everyone cheered and they went back to watching X2 in peace.  
...

_An hour or two later...as the Malfoy's were leaving..._

"Do you know there is a man passed out here Sev?" Lucius asked nervously, his voice raspy from the silencing spell that had just worn off. Snape just smiled deviously. "See you later, Harry," Draco called blowing a kiss, which Harry pretended to catch. Snape shut the door. Lucius's voice was heard from the other side. "You still owe us dinner you know!" Then they heard the crack indicating that they had Disapparated. "Guess what I got!" Harry called, as soon as they were gone. Harry pulled a DVD out from under his shirt. "Titanic!" he cried happily, running over to the player and putting the disk in. "I smuggled it out when Lucius froze the bloke at the video store," he said. "Have you ever seen it Sev?" Snape scoffed, ignoring the outrageous pet name Harry had come to call him. "Of course. It's one of those movies that everyone, wizard and Muggle alike, has seen. Like Finding Nemo. Heck, I bet even Sirius has seen it."

"He's right," Sirius said, "And I've been out of the loop in prison and on the run for like a total of 14 years."

"Well Draco didn't want to watch it so you two are going to watch it with me," Harry said pouting.

They groaned, but plopped down on the sofa anyway, muttering to themselves. All through the movie, they took turns gagging and making fun of it, just to rile Harry up. Just a bit of revenge for the wedding night crack he made before.

"Shhhh come here," Sirius said, mocking Jack. "Close your eyes," Snape did smirking, deciding to play along. Sirius awkwardly wrapped his arms around him, feeling surprised and slightly embarrassed at the amount of warmth he felt surge across his body when he did this. "I'm flying," Snape repeated along with Rose, in an over feminine voice. Snape and Sirius looked at each other, dissolving into laughter. Harry turned around and glared so evilly You-Know-Who would have been running for the hills if he'd seen. Sirius just looked up innocently and Snape chuckled. Harry sighed irritably and went back to watching.

Then it came to the part where Jack and Rose...er...well you know. Got to know each other a LOT better let's say.

"Wouldn't it be unfortunate if that man came in there to check on his car at this exact moment?" Sirius said with a grin. Snape couldn't help but grin back. "Extremely."

...

Harry's eyes were wide and glassy, filled with tears. "This is so ::sob:: sad!" he cried, watching Jack die. "Sometimes I really worry about him," Sirius said, glancing in Harry's direction. "Don't worry about it, you're actually doing a good job raising him, believe it or not." Snape said, feeling uncharacteristically nice for a change. "I can hear you," Harry pointed out, eyes still on the screen. Sirius smiled "I never thought I'd end up married with a kid," he said sheepishly. Snape snorted. "Neither did I, but look at us...I'm a mother,"

Sirius stifled his laughter, and went back to watching Titanic. All the while, as much as he tried, he couldn't stop himself from stealing looks at Snape, wondering slightly why he'd hated him with such a passion in the first place.

Sirius looked back up at the TV, surprised to see the ending credits scrolling up the screen and that Harry had been observing him for some time now with a large grin on his face. Sirius grew a bit red, and turned the TV off. "Okay guys, let's go to sleep, tomorrow we're going to Diagon Alley," he said happily. Harry groaned, but said goodnight and everyone went off to bed.

_At the Ministry of Magic..._

Fudge leaned back in his chair, satisfied_. 'All the pieces are coming in to play now. They're getting closer everyday...Before they know it, Severus and Sirius will have feelings for each other.'_ Fudge sighed happily. He loved playing matchmaker. And forcing enemies into marriage. And if those enemies were both men, well, it made things more of a challenge and more interesting...

_'If I convinced Molly to marry Arthur Weasley, I can certainly do this. The woman hated him and look at them now!'_ he thought_. 'All those children!_' Fudge smiled menacingly and folded his hands in his lap, plotting. _'Oh yes, it's just a matter of time now...'_

_Outside Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place..._

The mailman, coming to, sat up wearily. He put one hand to his throbbing head, looking around in the darkness. _'Where am I?' _he thought to himself, _'And who am I?'_ he thought confused, getting up off the ground shakily and walking off in search of his lost identity...

**A/N**: I would like to take this time to point out that I don't support violence on mailmen. It is wrong! Haha. Anyway, sorry, I know I kinda stole that Sev and Sirius Titanic bit from Love Actually a little, and I apologize. And for the record I love Titanic, makes me cry every time. And PoA was good I guess, could have been worse, but what they said was so true...

Next chap is Diagon Alley time.


	12. Chapter 12: Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade?

**Disclaimer**: Once again, I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters, they belong to J.K. Rowling. Though I'd like to point out that if I did own them, Sirius would be alive! :: sniffles, then goes back to her happy world of denial where Sirius is safe and sound, and hugs a Sirius plushie::

**A/N:** Hello again all. Sorry it took me so long to update, but my internet has been screwy. Anyway, I won't be updating for about two weeks after this because I'm going on vacation! Yay. So I'll be back in about 10 days. I'll miss u all so much! Don't know how I'm supposed to survive without fanfics... Okay well go read, and I want to find a large buildup of reviews when I get back!

_-Warning: Lot of pointless stuff in this chapter...-_

…

Snape felt a warm tongue slide across his face. He moaned slightly and rolled over, trying to go back to sleep. A rather loud bark jolted him from his sleep. Snape hesitantly opened his eyes, and seeing the large black dog sitting next to him, groaned. "Sirius, go back to sleep," Snape said, pulling the pillow over his head. The dog started to whine. "Not going to work," Snape said, his voice slightly muffled from under the pillow. The dog growled, then lunged at Snape nipping him on the ankle, causing him to yelp. "Fine, fine. You win, I'm up," Snape grumbled, looking up in time to see the large black dog bound happily out of the room, its tail wagging profusely. From the shouts and protests coming from Harry's room, Snape concluded that he'd found his next victim. Snape sighed, and swung his legs over the bed, and got up.

Twenty minutes later, a relatively disgruntled Snape emerged from the bedroom, soon followed by Harry. They were both fully dressed and ready to go, though they looked asleep on their feet. "Morning," Sirius, who had changed back into a man of course, said cheerily. "What time is it?" Harry said, willing his eyes to stay open. "10:00," Sirius said, about to take a sip of his coffee. "Accio coffee," Snape said, as the coffee mug flew into his open palm. Sirius scowled. "Someone's not a morning person," Sirius mumbled. "Someone certainly is," Snape countered swallowing the coffee in two gulps, and handing Sirius the empty cup. Sirius sighed. "So you're ready then?"

"Yes," Snape said slowly. "Why are you so eager?" he asked, his eyes narrowing in suspicion that one can only achieve after years as a Death Eater.

"Are you kidding?" Sirius said, smirking. "Diagon Alley's the perfect place to spend the day, we can get so wasted-er-I mean go shopping for Harry's birthday present," Sirius said, eyeing the broom in the corner.

Harry frowned. "But my birthday's not for another month or so,"

"Shut up..." Sirius whispered, throwing nervous glances at the inanimate Julius. Sirius cleared his throat. "Right, so I uh made us a Portkey." he said, holding up what appeared to be one of Snape's socks. This sent both him and Harry laughing at the peeved expression on Snape's face. "Where'd you get that!" he demanded. "Wouldn't you like to know..." Sirius said in a singsong voice. "Yes I would." Snape said. Sirius chose to ignore him. "Well you have to carry it once we get there. I have it charmed so only the owner can carry it without activating it as a Portkey. After all, we need it to get home, don't we." he said, smiling sweetly. Snape grumbled in protest, and once again Sirius ignored him. "Okay everyone, grab hold." As they did, they felt the familiar jerk at their navel.

They landed with a thud on the ground. "Here we are," Sirius said happily. "Get off me you dolt," Snape grumbled, pushing the man off of him. "Uh, Sirius. This isn't Diagon Alley." Harry said, pointing at the sign that said 'Welcome to Hogsmeade' in bright bold letters. Sirius let out a string of curses. "I always get those two mixed up," Sirius said, looking absolutely crestfallen. "Oh for godssake," Snape said, feeling sorry for him. He pointed his wand at the sign, and muttered something quickly. A second later the sign read 'Welcome to Diagon Alley'

"Now it is." Snape said pointedly. "Damn straight!" Sirius said. He impulsively gave Snape a quick hug, before snapping out of it. "Ummm, shall we then," Sirius said clearing his throat, feeling slightly idiotic. As they walked away Snape leaned over towards Harry. "That spell is temporary. It'll only last five minutes, but let's not let him know that," Snape whispered with an uncharacteristic grin. Harry grinned back and agreed, pantomiming zipping his lips.

...

"Oi Harry! Over Here!"

"Ron!" Harry cried, walking over to his friend, who was accompanied by Hermione and Ginny. "I haven't seen you in ages mate!" Ron said, slinging an arm around his shoulder. Then Ron noticed Sirius and Snape.

"Ha!" Ron said, spotting their wedding rings, "With the rings and they way you two are actually within strangling distance from each other yet still alive, you two look like your married!" Ron burst out laughing hysterically, and he noticed no one was laughing with him. Everyone averted their eyes and coughed awkwardly.

"Um Ron," Harry said "Where have you been?"

"Hitch hiking through France with transvestites, why what did I miss?" Ron replied seriously, not missing a beat.

Harry pointed at the top of the page, indicating the title. Ron was silent, muttering aloud under his breath as he read the summary. Ron visibly paled and was speechless for a moment.

"Awwww," Ginny said, breaking the silence. "I think it was so cute. He did it for Harry...that's so sweet!" Sirius's face flushed a bit.

"Well I think Sirius is very lucky," Hermione said sighing dreamily.

"What do you mean? Snape's the lucky one! Sirius is dead sexy if you haven't noticed!" Ginny returned. Sirius grinned, puffing out his chest a bit, looking proud.

"Yes, I'll admit he is hot," Hermione said, and Sirius looked at Snape smugly. "But Snape is good-looking to in his own Prince-of-Darkness sort of way-"

"Ha!" Snape said, elbowing Sirius in the ribs.

"-And besides Snape is a man of great intellect and intelligence." Hermione continued, her voice rising slightly.

"Intellect and intelligence mean the same thing you wench!" Ginny shouted.

Hermione was quiet for a second, apparently thinking. "Shut up!" Hermione shouted, back lunging at Ginny.

"And I missed this for eleven bloody chapters!" Ron said, speaking up finally, ignoring the two girls rolling around on the floor beating each other to bloody pulps.

"That's pretty sad Ron," Hermione said, stopping long enough to comment before she went back to slapping Ginny.

"Yeah, I knew and I'm not even mentioned at all!" Ginny added, and then bit Hermione.

"And why was I not invited to the wedding!" Ron said, looking offended.

"Er, um." Harry said, looking away guiltily.

"What's this bit about you and Malfoy?" Ron said, continuing to read.

"We gotta go," Harry said, quickly shuffling Sirius and Snape into the Three Broomsticks leaving Ron to deal with the two witches who were still clobbering each other viciously.

"I'll get us some drinks!" Sirius said, hurrying off and leaving Snape and Harry to settle down at a table. "So whadya think of all that," Harry said, gesturing out the window towards the crowd gathering by Hermione and Ginny. "Bet you fancy Hermione now, eh?" Harry said joking, grinning.

"I wish you'd be serious Potter," Snape said coldly.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Oooo so you'd wish I'd be Sirius huh. Severus, you dog, I had no idea. I'm taken, but if you need him that badly, I'll go get him," Harry said, grinning glancing at Sirius who seemed to be in a heated debate with the bartender. Snape paled, realizing what it had sounded like. "May I suggest you use protection..." Harry said smugly.

"Listen you little-" Snape said, lunging across the table and grabbing Harry by his robes.

"Oh come off it already." Harry said, looking bored.

"What?" Snape spat.

"I know you fancy him, so you can quit the act."

Snape released his death grip on Harry's robes. Snape's heart did a sort of weird flip flop. "Potter I have no idea what-"

"Look it's obvious, and I'm not a dimwit nor am I blind," Harry said, looking Snape in the eye. "I think you just have unresolved 'Hogwarts issues' and-"

"Issues! I do not have issues!" Snape pouted, rather loudly causing several people to stare at them. Sirius had also cast a confused glance their way, before turning back to the barkeep.

"Look I know," Harry said, urging him to keep his voice down. "I saw your Pensieve if you recall,"

"Right," Snape said, growing red. "But I think he fancies you too." Harry said, delighting in the look on Snape's face. "I just you too need to stop living in denial! You share a bed after all! So stop being a prat about it and just shag him already!"

Snape felt his face go redder, whether from embarrassment or anger, only he knew. "Listen Potter, I'm not going to sit here and take advice about my love life from a fifteen year old!" he said, glaring.

"I'm almost fifteen." Harry pointed out. Before Snape could respond, Sirius as back at the table with three butterbeers so they both shut up quickly. Snape started at Sirius, who looked unhappy sipping from his mug. "Butterbeer?" he asked, smirking. "I thought-"

"Broom's got spies everywhere," Sirius muttered, shooting a menacing glare at a lamp sitting next to their table. It was leaning over closer to them, as if listening in. When it saw it was noticed, it quickly righted itself. Sirius turned away from the lamp, drawing a pouch from his robe and poured some of the liquid into his drink. The arm of his chair reached up and slapped the pouch out of him hand.

"I was just sprucing it up a little," Sirius said scowling a bit, resisting the urge to kick the chair. He drank his from, feeling content, because now there was more beer than butter in it...

...

"My Severus, I haven't seen you for a while," said a female voice to Snape's left.

"Hello Sinistra," Snape responded coolly. "C'mon Sirius, I'll give you the tour," Harry said, referring to the Three Broomsticks. "Professor." Harry said nodding at the woman before dragging Sirius away from the table, leaving them alone.

"Congratulations on your marriage," she said once they were gone. "He looks like quite a catch," she said, raising her eyebrows up and down and winking. "Eh?" she said, elbowing him in the ribs. "Indeed," Snape said pursing his lips.

"Oh I'm so glad I ran into you, you'll never guess what I heard!" Sinistra said, gushing. She paused for a dramatic effect. "Minerva and Flickwick eloped!"

"No. Way." Snape squealed, in an awed voice.

"I know right! I cannot believe it."

Across the room Harry continued his 'tour'. "And this is where I was sitting when I was spying on the teachers and I heard them say you were my godfather," Harry said gesturing at a booth in the corner. "Teachers are always gossiping..." he said, in low voice.

"I heard that!" Snape called across the room angrily.

"We are not!" Sinistra protested, looking shocked.

"Oh my gods, have you seen Avery Nott's wife?" Snape asked quickly, turning back to her.

"No, why?"

"She got a nose job a month ago..."

"No," Sinistra breathed in disbelief.

"Yes. She denies it of course, but Macnair saw her going into a plastic surgery clinic so we all know now."

"Wow," Sinistra murmured.

"And he's where I was standing when I decided I was going to kill you to avenge my parent's death." Harry continued, pointing near the door. "That was before I knew you were innocent of course." Sirius nodded, somehow managing to be completely bored out of his mind, and intrigued at the same time.

After a few more minutes discussion on Bellatrix's new highlights that 'didn't accent her facial features at all' in Snape's opinion, and 'made her look more hideous than usual' in Sinistra's, they said their goodbyes and Snape, Harry, and Sirius left the Three Broomsticks.

"Hey lets go in Zonko's!" Sirius said, pushing them into the joke shop.

...

Ten minutes later, they exited the shop. Snape's hair was a light pink color and his ears were now bananas. Sirius tossed a lock of his rainbow streaked hair over his shoulder angrily.

"Okay," he said in his new high pitched chipmunks-on-helium voice, "We are never to speak of this again."

"Me with fine," said Harry, who could now only speak backwards, and had a ridiculously large red afro and face paint, looking quite like a smaller version of Ronald McDonald.

"This never happened." Snape agreed. Sirius tried to shake on it, but realizing his hands were on backwards, shoved them in his pockets hastily. Snape grinned revealing his new beaver teeth. Snape clapped a hand over his mouth.

"Here of out get just let's," Harry said, before a young witch about five ran up to him. "Ronald!" she cried happily, giving him a big hug, before he managed to get away. They all sighed and walked away.

...

An hour or so later they had all gotten back to normal, though Harry sometimes tended to talk backwards on occasion and Snape had this slight passion for pink he would never admit to.

Harry was eating a Fizzing Whizbee from Honeydukes, when he glanced up at the Shrieking Shack. "Hey..." Harry said, an idea dawning on him. "What?" Snape and Sirius said simultaneously, though Snape said it less enthusitically. "The Shrieking Shack leads to Hogwarts right," Harry said, not waiting for them to answer. "So that means we could get into Hogwarts!" Harry said. "But its summer, so there wouldn't be-" Snape said, before getting cut off. "That's a great idea!" Sirius cried.

Snape sighed and followed them as they started walking in the direction of the Shrieking Shack. Suddenly, he heard a voice from the bush next to him. "Hullo little boy, I have some nice candy for you, if you'd like to come closer..." it cooed. "Hi Lucius," Snape said nonchalantly. "I am not Lucius," said the voice that was now using a terribly fake falsetto. "Just come out already Lucius," Snape snapped. Skulking, Lucius came out from the bushes. They were silent for a second before Harry said, "We're going to the Hogwarts through the secret passageway, wanna come?"

"Okay." Lucius said. They started walking again and Lucius ran ahead of the group, running zigzagged flailing his arms while making airplane noises. "Why am I not surprised," Sirius said, staring after him. "Nothing he does surprises me anymore," Snape said, shaking his head sadly. "Aw c'mon guys its fun," Lucius called back to them, as they chose to ignore him.

...

_On the Hogwarts Grounds..._

"Haha!" Harry said, in the bushes near the entrance of Hogwarts. Everyone was scratched, beaten, and their clothes torn from running to get past the Whomping Willow. "This is gonna be so brilliant," Harry said, rubbing his hands together eagerly. "Maybe I can sneak into that git Snape's quarters and-wait," Harry said, remembering the events of the past few months_. 'Right he lives with us now, I forgot for a second.'_ he thought. "Okay, well than I bet I can sneak up on Malfoy and...erm...oh right, we're dating now." Harry said growing red, because apparently he had the memory span of a goldfish. Harry sighed. "Well now I don't know what to do,"

"Don't worry," Lucius said, comforting him, "We'll find someone," he said, narrowing his eyes and looking around.

_In Dumbledore's Office..._

"BOO!" Harry cried, jumping out from behind the stone gargoyle. "Oh," Dumbledore said, jumping slightly, "Harry you startled me." he said, before going back to the parchment he was looking over.

"Well that sucked!" Harry cried, stomping off.

...

Harry stared at the Marauders' Map, scrutinizing it with his gaze. _'Gotta find someone...'_ he thought. _'Let's see, who's here. Hmmmm Voldemort...Pettigrew...Vampire...Captain Crunch...Ghost of my dad...no.'_ Harry sighed. Harry grinned as he spotted a figure lurking outside McGonagall's office...

...

"Bwah!" Harry cried sneaking up behind Filch and popping out from the shadows. Filch didn't hesitate, nor did he stick around to find out what was going on. He turned and ran down the corridor, screaming bloody murder, arms above his head, and he never turned around and looked back. He finally stopped outside Snape's office (why we will never know) and he curled up in a little ball, a shivering terrified mess of a Squib.

"Now that's more like it!" Harry said, happy with the sense of fear he had instilled into the man. He sighed happily and walked off.

[Little did Harry (or anyone else for that matter) know...]

_Outside Snape's office..._

"Rawr!" Remus Lupin screamed at the hunched over man. Filch twitched than ran off screaming and running like there was no tomorrow, completely terrified out of his mind. "Ha, that was good, Gets 'im every time." Remus said through his laughter, wiping tears from his eyes. "Now back to whatever the hell it was I was doing here,"

...

"You got the sock?" Sirius asked. "Yes," Snape said, still not looking happy about it. He pulled it out from the inside pocket of his robes, and held it out in front of him. They all reached for it, even Lucius who hadn't left with them in the first place, but try explaining that to him. _'We might as well take him,'_ Snape thought '_Or Narcissa will be worried and think he's gone off and got himself lost again,'_ They felt the familiar jerk and landed in a crumpled heap on top of each other with a thud on the front lawn of Grimmauld Place.

"Need to work on our landings," Sirius said, spitting some of Lucius's silvery blonde hair out of his mouth. They got up, and Sirius brushed himself off, helping Snape to his feet. "Thanks," he muttered. Snape tensed up as he saw a figure outside the house. "Aha!" the mailman said, jumping out from the shadows. "I've been waiting all day for you to come home!"

Lucius made a sort of 'meep' sound and Sirius instinctively stepped in front of everyone, drawing his wand, but Snape pulled Sirius behind him. "What do you want?" Snape said, not in a mean way, but in a cautious and curious way. "I'd like for you and me to take a walk," the mailman said, his eyes glittering in the moonlight, a gigantic grin plastered across his face. He looked happy...too happy...

"Really," Snape said, "That's interesting. I very much like going on walks. Why just the other day I was out walking and-RUN GUYS!" Snape cried, as they all turned and took off running down the street as fast as they could. Had they been going any faster the street would have melted. In his haste, Lucius knocked over a pink flamingo on one of the neighbors lawns. In seconds, the owner was also on the lawn. He dropped to his knees and began to sob violently for the toppled over, yet not harmed in away way, bird. "I'll get you crazy kids!" he called, shaking his fist as he watched their figures growing fainter in the distance.

...

A few hours later, the four of them Apparated into Grimmauld Place, and Lucius stayed the night, too scared to go outside for fear of the mailman or Apparate home by himself...

_Harry's Bedroom..._

Harry groaned, as he glanced at Lucius on the floor next to his bed in a sleeping bag, wishing he had earplugs. "So do you wanna tell scary stories? I like scary stories. Do you know the one where the girl was at the library and then she came home and-Hey you know what we should do? We should play truth or dare. I like truth or dare. Me and Draco play it all the time, it's fun. He braids my hair too. I liked getting my hair braided," He hinted. Harry lodged his fingers in his ears, trying to drown him out. It wasn't working. "He says I have pretty hair. All Malfoys have pretty hair. You know who has pretty hair? Sirius does. But he's related to me, so that doesn't count. Your hair could be pretty too. You should just let it grow some more. And maybe find a good brand of gel."

Harry realized he wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight and sighed, wishing like hell that minors weren't outlawed from using magic during the summer. That'd shut him up. Doing the next best thing, Harry grabbed his pillow and locked Lucius in one of the most vicious pillow fights of Lucius's life. And he was a Slytherin, so that was quite an accomplishment.

_The "couples" bedroom..._

"Don't think I didn't see that the sign changed back to normal..." Sirius grunted, kicking Snape swiftly under the covers, but he was laughing. Snape snorted, then rolled over and once his back was to Sirius, smiled into his pillow.

**A/N:** Wow that was a heckuva LOT longer than I had anticipated. Oh well I owe it to you guys for leaving you alone and defenseless while I go on vacation. Return of the mailman! Whoo, he's getting his revenge...And yes it was fun to scare Filch and make Snape gossip…and the Zonko's part too hehe.

I am proud to say that Lucius will be in all the chapters from now on, since there are only a few left. Any suggestions? I'd love to hear em out if you got em.


	13. Chapter 13: A Dinner Out

**Disclaimer**: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters, and I am making no profit off of this. Honestly, I've messed with all the characters and made them so OOC I doubt even JK herself could recognize them now.

**A/N**: Hello all. I apologize for not updating sooner, but I can't resist writing big long chapters, and I take a long time. But I have managed to post at least one chapter before being forced back to the torture hous-I mean school. And I'm working on the next one as we speak. Thank you for all the wonderful reviews you all gave me! ::cheers:: Anyway, enjoy.

…

Harry's eyes flickered open slowly. His nose twitched slightly as he inhaled, breathing in the good smell of breakfast cooking. The sounds of pots and pans clanging in the kitchen finally forced him out of bed. His vision blurred, and he reached with for his glasses from the bedside table. He surveyed the room and realized he was alone.

"Morning!" Lucius cried happily as Harry entered the kitchen. Harry grunted in response. He squinted at the clock. 8:30. He groaned inwardly. _'Does no one sleep during the summer?'_ he grumbled to himself. At that moment Sirius and Snape emerged from the bedroom. "What's with all the noise?" Sirius mumbled, his hair still rumpled from sleep. "And wazzat smell?" Snape inquired, his voice slurring, still edged with sleep.

"I made breakfast!" Lucius said chipperly, gesturing at the enchanted pans that were flipping pancakes and making eggs. One of the pans threw a pancake too high and it hit the ceiling and stuck there. Harry yawned and rubbed his eyes, before looking up at Lucius. Harry swallowed a fit of laughter. Lucius was wearing a light green tank top with several harmless looking snakes across the fabric, with silver long pajama pants with...er, fluffy fur lining around the ankles. His hair was tied back in a loose ponytail that rested on the back of his neck.

"Nice pajamas Lucius," Harry said, snorting into his hands.

"Thank you," Lucius said, blissfully oblivious to the fact he was becoming the butt of a joke. "Yours are-" Lucius stopped, glancing at Harry's gold and burgundy colored PJ's with lion cubs all over them, and shuddered involuntarily and gagged. "Erm, well at least they look comfortable." Lucius finished. Harry looked offended and opened his mouth to protest. "But I love yours Severus!" Lucius gushed, turning to Snape. Snape glanced down. He was wearing dark green pajama shirt and pants with small snakes across them. But instead of being silver like the snakes were supposed to be, someone who will remain nameless...oh let's just say his name rhymes with Gumblegore, had gotten a hold of them and jinxed them so they were several different shades of pink.

"No, see that's not-I don't know how-" Snape rambled, embarrassed. As it were, everyone became more self-conscious of what they were wearing, except for Sirius who was wearing only boxers and no shirt, which you think would make him more self-conscious than the rest, but apparently not.

"Why are you making breakfast anyway?" Sirius asked, suddenly suspicious. "No reason," Lucius said casually. "Maybe you're trying to poison us!" Sirius cried, his voice growing louder "But the potion in the food only paralyzes us for a short period of time and then after that you cut off our limbs and make us watch you feed them to a Basilisk, and then after that you kill us slowly and painfully, and then you bury our bloody remains in a creepy spider and cockroach-infested forest somewhere and spit on our graves, as worms crawl over what's left of us!" he squealed, on the verge of hysterics. "That's disgusting!" Lucius said appalled. "Why would I do that?"

"Dunno," Sirius said shrugging, once again a perfect picture of calm. "I just felt like making breakfast is all. Is that a crime?," Lucius said, and paused. "Oh yeah and I'm going to be staying with you for a while," he added hurriedly with amazing speed. "What?" Sirius asked. "Yeah Narcissa sorta, er, kicked me out," Lucius admitted sheepishly. "What'd you do, stuff another house elf down the toilet?" Snape asked jokingly and chuckled. Lucius bit his lower lip and looked down at the floor wordlessly. That was answer enough. "Are you fucking serious?" Snape shouted, disbelievingly.

"No you are!" Lucius returned, dissolving into laughter. Harry, who got it immediately, cracked up at this. Sirius caught on after a minute, and turned red. Snape looked at Lucius, sending him a look that said if he valued his life, he'd shut up. And fast. Lucius's laughter trailed off and died. "Or not," Lucius added hesitantly, looking at Snape. "Well the blasted creature spilled tea all over my favorite dress robe!" Lucius whined. "What was I supposed to do?"

"Fine," Snape consented finally. "You can stay." Lucius's face visibly brightened. "Thanks," he said happily. "I'm assuming that I don't have a say in this matter whatsoever do I?" Sirius said matter-of-factly. "Exactly," Snape replied. "Even though it's my house." Sirius pointed out. "Our house, dear" Snape corrected him, smirking. Sirius scowled at him, then at Lucius.

"Well I'm not ecstatic about it, but I guess you are, though very distantly, family so-" Sirius said to Lucius.

"Bloody hell you're right!" Lucius said astonished. "And here I was checking you out like you were a piece of meat," Lucius then shuddered. "Incest!" he cried, clapping his hands over his eyes. Sirius sighed, and shook his head. "Well thanks...I'll make it up to you guys," Lucius promised. "How 'bout I take you guys out to dinner tonight?" He asked, his enthusiasm mounting. "We'll see," Sirius said. "That means yes," Snape whispered excitedly at Lucius. "I heard that!" Sirius exclaimed, stalking off into the kitchen. Lucius grinned. "Let's eat!" he announced, following Sirius into the kitchen, Snape trailing closely behind him.

"He'll be sleeping in your room Harry," Sirius's voice called back to him from the kitchen. Harry groaned, "Why couldn't Draco get kicked out and have to stay in my room?" he mused out loud, projecting his voice because he wanted to be heard. Harry grinned. Truth be told, Lucius wasn't half bad. Last night had been...well, fun actually. They'd ended up staying up all night eating Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans and Chocolate Frogs from Harry's secret stash and telling stories. And yes, in the end he had braided his hair. _'But no one needs to know that,' _Harry thought smiling, as he entered the kitchen and sat down to breakfast.

...

"Hey Snape, wanna play cards?" Sirius asked, walking into the living room for no other reason than the fact that they were probably, and most likely, just killing time until dinner. "Okay sure, hold on a second," he said to Sirius. Then Snape turned to Harry, who had been sitting on the sofa with him. "Hey Potter, let's play hide-and-seek," he said. "Okay!" Harry cried happily, jumping up. "But no peeking!" Harry called back, and ran out of the room giggling, going to hide. "Well that'll give us about two hours or so, let's go," Snape said, once Harry was gone.

_Far more than two hours later..._

Harry sat in the towel closet, smiling. "He'll never find me in here," he whispered aloud to himself. Harry waited. He sat, and sat and sat and sat and so on and so forth until he could no longer even feel his legs. Suddenly, just as he was about to give up and leave, he heard the door knob turning, and the door swung open. "Ha!" Harry cried, jumping out at the person, scaring the bejeezus out of Lucius, who had just been trying to get a towel so he could take a shower. "Bejeezus?!" Lucius interjected, looking around. "That is preposterous, he did not, I detest that!" Lucius said indignantly. "Malfoys do not have bejeezus!" he said, before snatched a towel from behind Harry, sticking his nose up in the air, and flouncing off to take his shower. Harry just shrugged and walked away, in search of something else to do.

...

Sirius stared at the clock unblinking. 5:59. Finally. Almost there. He waited impatiently, fidgeting in his seat. "Hurry up damn you!" he cried, grabbing the clock and shaking it repeatedly. He was relieved when it eventually read 6:00.

"Ha!" Sirius cried triumphantly. "Now it's officially evening!" Sirius stopped, then slumped in his chair. "This is what I'm reduced to. What my entire day revolved around," he said waving his arm incredulously, his voice full of self-disbelief. Harry reached over and patted him on the shoulder comfortingly. "So what are we in the mood for?" Harry asked.

"Chinese!"

"Italian"

"Mexican!"

Three voices called out at once. "Well I wanted BBQ," Harry started. Everyone booed. "Can't we just go to McDonalds?" Sirius asked, frustrated. Lucius let out a sort of cruel ironic sort of laugh. "You don't want to take me to McDonalds," Lucius said, his eyes growing glassy as he stared off into space, seeing something that wasn't there, "I've made far too many enemies there,"

_Flashback..._

Lucius groaned inwardly. _'Why do I let Draco talk me into going to these places. How can he eat this crap?'_ he thought, gazing up at the menu. He stood in line for what seemed like an eternity before he finally got to the counter. "Can I take your order?" asked a perky redhead behind the register. She chewed her bubble gum with loud annoying smacking noises as she spoke and Lucius cringed. "Yes, I'll have a large order of fries." Lucius replied. "Okay, would you like fries with that?"

Lucius stared at her. "No. I just want an order of fries."

"So you don't want fries with that?"

"No. I mean yes. No! No I don't."

"Are you sure, sir?" the redhead asked, looking confused.

"Positive," Lucius said, his cool temperament starting to fade away. 'All I want is some bloody fries for godssake!' he thought frustrated.

"Alright," she said uncertainly. "Would you like to supersize that?"

"No I would not like to supersize it," Lucius said irritably, the word rolling off his tongue with distaste.

"Okay," she said, blowing a bubble, then popping it with a great pop. "Would you be interested in our 99 cent-"

"No!" Lucius spat. "Just ring it up so I can get out of here!"

"Well there's no need to be rude, sir." the redhead groused, blowing another bubble.

Lucius handed her the money and Lucius moved aside, so the next customer could go up to the counter while he waited for the grease infested potatoes. The redhead passed him an empty tray. "There you go sir. Enjoy and have a good day." she said. Lucius stared at her. Was this some kind of joke perhaps? "There's no food on this tray," Lucius pointed out, quite unnecessarily. The young woman stared at him blankly. Lucius cut in front of the man who had been behind him. "Hey," the man cried, pushing him back to the end of the line, "Wait your turn pal," Lucius's eyes narrowed. "Step aside," he commanded.

The man refused. Lucius discreetly screwed the top of his cane, so he was left his wand, making sure it stayed out of sight. "_Imperio_," he whispered. The man instantly kicked himself in the groin, groaning in pain. "Step aside," Lucius repeated, his eye flickering with grey steel. The man obliged then collapsed to the floor moaning. The whole restaurant was growing silent by now.

"I paid for fries," he reminded her, angry at her lack of reaction. "When I asked you if you wanted fries, you said no," she said, cracking her bubble gum. "So I gave you what she asked for," she said, blowing another rather large bubble. "No I-that's not what I-You-" Lucius spat, sputtering with anger. He could only put up with so much. Lucius lunged forward and wrapped his arms around the girls neck. "Give- me- the- bloody- fries- woman-!" he yelled, through his strangling. The manager came out, then started yelling something indistinguishable and pointing at something on the wall. Lucius couldn't hear over his yells. Seconds later two muscular security guards tackled him, forcing him to release his hold and knocking the wind out of him.

"Can't you read?!" the manager demanded, pointing at a sign on the wall. 'No strangling the employees before Happy Hour' Lucius of course, heard none of this because he was under the two men, and was most likely just bordering the verge of consciousness.

"I never got the fries," Lucius muttered, his eyes still consumed by that far away look, indicating he wouldn't be of much help.

"Can't we go somewhere else?" Snape asked.

"But McDonalds is the classic stereotype of a 'Good ol' American family meal'..." Sirius said in his defense.

"We're not American," Harry pointed out, "We're British."

"You never take me anyplace nice," Snape whined, sounding like a nagging housewife. "All I want is to go to a nice restaurant...Is that so much to ask?"

"And do you know what that stuff does to your complexion?!" Harry added, having a bout of paranoia, as he shuddered, running a hand over his face.

"Alright, alright," Sirius said, giving in. "Jeez. How about we go to Shoney's instead? We can get the buffet, so everyone can get what they want."

"Yeah," Harry said, his face brightening.

"I never thought I'd say this, Sirius, that's actually a good idea," Snape said, with his usual sneer.

"Oh yes I've had a lot of good ideas in my day. Like marrying you, eh? That was a stroke of genius." Sirius shot back defensively, his voice full of false cheer and dripping with sarcasm.

Snape opened his mouth then closed it, for once without a witty retort. "Oooooh Severus got told!" Harry cried. Snape narrowed his eyes. "Sod off Potter," he said. Harry smiled inwardly, noticing he didn't deny it. "Don't make me put the hurt on you," Harry replied, punching his fist into his open palm. Crickets chirped in the background. "Maybe I'll just shut up now," Harry muttered.

"Well let's-" Sirius started, before he was cut off by a loud knock at the front door. Sirius walked over to it, and opened it.

"Remmy!" he cried, hugging his friend. "Siri!" Remus cried back, returning the hug. They both stopped and cleared their throats. "That was weird," Sirius said. "Yes, but fun." Remus added. "Yes," Sirius agreed. "So what are you doing here?"

Remus looked down at his feet, rubbing circular motions into the dirt with his foot. "Can I come too?" Remus asked, looking hopeful.

Sirius looked at Remus. He was doing his best puppy dog face. (Or maybe it should be werewolf face?) No one has ever been immune to that. "Hell, come on in," he said, looking excited. Remus grinned, looking very pleased. Snape opened his mouth to protest, but Sirius stopped him. "You get to have Lucius, I should at least get Remus," he said gruffly. "Yes, but I don't want to have Lucius!" Snape cried, and sank to the floor sobbing dramatically.

...

"How many in your party?" asked the hostess, trying not to stare at the blonde man with the cane. "Ummm," Lucius said. "One....Two....Three...er....Four.....Five." he counted off on his fingers slowly. "Five!" he announced proudly. Snape rolled his eyes. "Okay, you're table is this way," said the hostess, smiling at Lucius. Harry noticed she had taken two kids menus along with her, instead of one.

She led them to a table with five chairs. "I call shotgun!" Lucius cried, hurling himself into one of the nearest chairs. "Lucius, that only works in a car," Remus pointed out. "Oh." Lucius said, pausing. "I call shotgun!" The group sighed simultaneously, then moments later broke out into laughter when Lucius was presented with a kids menu. "What?!" he asked. "N-Nothing," Sirius managed through his tears. "Well have the buffet," Sirius said, turning to the waitress. "Very good sir. I'll go fetch you men some drinks," she said before exiting. "Okay, first things first, who are our designated Apparators?"

Sirius and Snape raised their hands glumly. Remus cocked an eyebrow, then looked at Lucius, and broke out into hoots and high fived each other. Harry was silent, being underage after all, though it never stopped him before.

The hostess came back, and Lucius and Remus clinked their margarita glasses together, and took large sips. Sirius sighed and, with a lot of will power, pushed his margarita away, as did Snape.

"What was so funny about my menu!" Lucius asked again later as the group got up and headed to buffet. "Luce, she gave that to you because she thought there was something wrong upstairs," Snape said exasperatingly. "This restaurant doesn't have an upstairs," Lucius replied earnestly. Sirius sighed and looked at Snape with pity. Lucius opened his mouth to comment, then froze, and his eyes narrowed. "Um, Lucius, you okay?" Harry asked, waving a hand in front of Lucius's face. Lucius didn't even bat an eyelash. "So we meet again," Lucius muttered almost incoherently. Snape followed his gaze, his eyes resting upon the buffet. Snape's mouth opened into a small O of understanding.

Sneeze guards.

"I won't fall prey to your devious tricks this time, my transparent foe," Lucius continued, looking at the sneeze guard in an attempt 'to stare them down.' Remus looked at Sirius and Harry questioningly. Sirius shrugged and Harry just scratched his head, confused, then they commenced to get their food. Harry was piling BBQ chicken on his plate when he was interrupted by a loud BONK. They all turned to see Lucius, with his smashed face against the glass. Snape and Harry made a hissing intake of breath in a 'that's gotta hurt,' kind of noise, before they went back to cramming their plates with food.

_After dinner...Back at Grimmauld Place..._

Lucius walked to the front door sullenly, slamming it shut with a loud crack. Sirius lingered at the door reluctantly saying goodbye to a rather wobbly Remus, and Lucius groaned, pushing the bag of ice closer to his black eye. "We are never to speak of this again." Lucius said icily. As it had turned out, Sirius had ending up paying for the dinner, because Lucius had no Muggle money whatsoever.

...

Lucius, after first checking through the blinds to see if the mailman was still around, was outside picking flowers for the table for tomorrow's breakfast. He hummed to himself as he picked flowers, breathing in the night time air. His black eye had been magically treated and had now faded to a slight shadow. Lucius a good amount of violets and tulips, when he heard a voice behind him. "Hello Lucius," the voice cooed. "Let's talk..." Lucius whirled around, letting his flowers fall to the ground.

[[[What will happen to Lucius? Who was the mysterious voice? What does the voice want with Lucius??....................Well let's find out shall we?]]]

...

After a while, Harry had noticed the house was too quiet. He went into the backyard looking for Lucius, and was surprised to see he wasn't there either. Harry came back in carrying Lucius's fallen bouquet. "Guys I can't find Lucius and I found these outside," Harry said, actually sounding concern holding up the flowers. "My flower garden!" Snape shrieked unhappily. "I think something might have happen to him," Harry continued. "You're right," Sirius said, "He'd never leave his flowers like that..."

Suddenly the front door swung open, and Lucius burst into the room, grinning like crazy. "Where were you?" all three yelled at once. "You'll never believe this," Lucius said. "What?" Snape asked suspiciously. "I told you I'd make it up to you and I did," Lucius continued. "What? What is it?!?" Sirius replied. Lucius paused dramatically. "I got us passes to DisneyWorld!"

Everyone stood there for a minute, before Harry and Lucius clasped hands and jumped up and down, squealing excitedly. (Yes, Lucius likes to do that.) Snape was trying his hardest to not look excited and was playing the boredom card very well. Sirius was grinning in spite of himself and soon grabbed Snape and pulled him over with forcing him to celebrate with them. "Where'd you get them?!" Sirius finally asked, breathless from the screaming. "From me!" cried the mysterious voice. "And I'm coming with you," They turned around to see Fudge standing behind them. "What?!" Sirius and Snape exclaimed at the same time. "What did you have to do to get them..." Harry asked slyly. "I'd rather not say," Lucius said, shuddering involuntarily. Harry looked about to gag before Fudge coughed something that sounded suspiciously like 'foot rubs.'

"Well you better start packing now," Fudge said. "Because we're leaving tonight,"

"Tonight?" Snape echoed. "And Draco is also coming with us," Fudge said, winking at Harry. Harry grinned, and went to find his suitcase before Sirius grabbed him and pulled him back. "Uh uh," Sirius said, crossing his arms across his chest. All his excitement had died at mention of Fudge. "I will not go with him," he said, pointing at Fudge. "It's rude to point," Fudge added, but Sirius ignored him. "He is the reason for this whole mess," Sirius continued undaunted, "I will not go to DisneyWorld with Fudge and that is final!"

One long plane ride and several hours later...

Sirius slumped back into the material of the car's seat, cushioned between Harry and Snape in the back seat, and crossed his arms in irritation. "I cannot believe I am going to DisneyWorld with Fudge," he mused aloud.

**A/N**: That's right DISNEYWORLD!!! ::throws confetti:: Outlandish I know, but I love it. Whoo! First it was only gonna be Harry, Sirius and Snape, but Lucius is there and he shouldn't be left out. And with him comes Draco for Harry. And so everyone will be paired off for rides, etc. I needed Fudge. It was gonna be Remus, but he'd have to be trapped with Lucius and I wouldn't wish that on him ::Shudders::

What park do you think I should take them to? I have many plans for Magic Kingdom, though I'd pay good money 2 c them go on Tower of Terror, hehe. So do review, I'd like 2 know your opinion on that. LOL all of them at Disneyworld...I could write a whole fic on just that...Hmmmm....

Oh and ::Pushes Moony Da Remmy back, and nudges Lucius who, reluctantly, hands her a Pixie stick:: Since you don't like hugs, there you go...::sneaks up on Moony anyway and gives her a hug, just to spite her, and runs off in the distance yelling HAHA!::


	14. Chapter 14: On the Road

**Disclaimer**: If you think I own anything of Harry Potter, go get your head inspected. Seriously.

**A/N**: First of all, I would like to apologize to you all for not updating sooner. With school having just started, then my computer having a mental breakdown and having to get a new one, it has been really hard to find time to write. And now that damn Hurricane Frances is headed right for the area where I live, so we've all got to board up our windows and hope for the best. I truly hate Florida and all its idiotic weather patterns.

Anyway, this whole was supposed to be at DisneyWorld, but I cut the chapter into two chapters so you'll have something to read since I have neglected you for so long...So go read now...and **R-E-V-I-E-W!**

…

_As I said, One long plane ride and several hours later..._

Sirius slumped back into the material of the car's seat, cushioned between Harry and Snape in the back seat, and crossed his arms in irritation. "I cannot believe I am going to DisneyWorld with Fudge," he mused aloud.

"Oh shut up already!" Lucius groaned from the front passenger seat. He had finally got the hang of calling shot gun and had taken every opportunity to do so since, even if the vehicle wasn't meant to be shot gunned. "You're going to DisneyWorld for crying out loud! You should as happy as a kid in a candy store! Or at least half as happy as a homosexual man at Limited Too...Not like I know or anything," he added hastily, as everyone inwardly raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

Sirius answered him with a nasty glare. "He's right you know," Fudge said from the driver's seat. "Do you how many Muggles I had to tort-I mean convincingly persuade...to get these tickets?" Fudge grumbled at him, and the car swerved violently to the right, almost flipping them over, and everyone grabbed onto the armrests quickly. "Are you sure you know how to drive this thing?" Sirius asked nervously, fidgeting with his unbuckled seatbelt and clicking it into place. "Of course I do," Fudge cried indignantly turning around, throwing his arms up in the air and letting go of the steering wheel. The car swerved again and Fudge hurriedly grabbed the wheel again, ignoring the screeching of brakes and distant yelling from behind him. "Stupid Americans are driving on the wrong side of the road..." he observed disdainfully.

"Actually in the States they drive on the other si-" Harry's voice started from the backseat, though it was difficult to hear as his face slammed into the window at that precise moment, and Fudge interrupted him. "Nonsense," Fudge said, waving it off with his hand. "I think I know a thing or two more about Muggle devices than you do, Harry." he continued, slapping his hand down on the dashboard to demonstrate his point. The next thing they knew, there was a puff of white filling up the first two seats and they heard Fudge's voice again from somewhere within the white cloudlike thing. "I meant to do that," his voice called back, muffled from the air bag.

_A number of very boring and uncomfortable hours later..._

After frequent awkward silences and several tries from Lucius to get a sing-along going, the passengers in the car all opted for looking out their windows instead. Harry sighed, and rested his chin in his hand, watching the scenery fly by. "Are you okay, love? You're being awful quiet." Draco said, from his position being crushed into Snape's shoulder. "Yeah, Harry. What's wrong? C'mon, spill it." Sirius said while trying to get comfortable in the cramped backseat. "It's nothing really," Harry replied. "It's just....the summer's almost over already. It all went by so fast, and soon I'll be back for my second to last year at Hogwarts-"

"Brilliant! Which means only two years until we can boot your arse out of the house-" Snape cut in excitedly. "Oww! I mean, until you go off into the world to pursue your future," Snape said, rubbing his shoulder where Sirius had slapped him.

"-I just feel like I missed out on a lot, you know. I mean, I just found my home with you guys, and soon I'll have to leave it behind. It feels like everything is coming to a close..." Harry continued, looking depressed. "The saga will never end!" Lucius shouted, punching the air above his head with a closed fist, speaking with great conviction. "What?" Harry asked. "Huh?" Lucius asked, blinking in a very confusing manor, apparently not aware that he had spoken. Everyone gave him wary looks, but he failed to notice.

"And I'm going to miss you while I'm at Hogwarts, Sirius." Harry added.

"Hey! You'll have me!" Snape cried, looking offended. Harry frowned and looked down, still looking sad. Snape sighed. He didn't really want to see him so unhappy. They were going to a one of the greatest theme parks in the world for Merlin's sake. Without thinking, Snape draped an arm across the boy's shoulders in a sort of one-armed comforting hug. "It'll be okay Harry," Snape said quietly. "What'd you call me?" Harry asked, astonished. "Nothing," Snape said hastily coming back to reality, and sliding his arm away quickly, regretting that he had done anything. "You called me Harry," Harry said, a grin creeping slowly across his face. "You've never done that before..."

There was a chorus of Awwwww's from the driver and passenger seats. "That's so sweet," Draco said with a sniff and Lucius rummaged around for his handkerchief. Snape glanced at Sirius, who was smiling in a proud I-told-you so way. Snape scowled. "Why Severus, I had no idea you were capable of compassion," Fudge chimed in. "Its natural instinct," Sirius returned "Embedded into every mother's head." Sirius added, tapping at his own skull with his index finger.

"Oh get stuffed all of you!" Snape shouted, crossing his arms across his chest defensively. "Awww Sevey Wevey we'll have so much fun at Hogwarts," Harry teased. Snape fumbled around for his wand, failed to find it, then deepened his scowl, muttering hexes under his breath.

"Well as touching as that all is, you need not miss Sirius while you're at Hogwarts," Fudge said, interrupting Sirius who had just started to say something. "Why's that?" Harry asked cautiously, not sure what to expect from Fudge. "Because he's coming with you. Duh." Fudge said, adjusting his rear view mirror.

"Are you serious?!" both Snape and Harry cried at the same time; though Harry's voice was edged with childlike glee and Snape's was...well, not. "No I'm Sirius!" Sirius shouted indignantly, pointing to himself. "Wait, what?" he added. "That's the fifth farm we've passed so far," Lucius observed, not listening to the conversation at all.

"What about the Order? And my job? And the house?" Sirius asked. "Oh, you can still be a member of the Order from Hogwarts, and we'll hire you a few more house elves. And you hardly even go to work anyway!" the Minister accused. "Well, yeah but-" Sirius started in his defense.

"How are you taking time off to be here anyway?" Snape asked. "Haven't you used all your sick days by now?" he added with a scoff. "Yes," Sirius said, "But I have my ways..."

_At the Quibbler..._

Mr. Lovegood walked into his office with his fresh cup of morning coffee. "Morning Sirius," Mr. Lovegood called cheerfully to something next to him. In the corner of the room, propped against the wall, was a cardboard cutout of Sirius doing a Charlie's Angels pose. "So, how you think those Chudley Cannons are gonna do this year?" Lovegood inquired, making friendly workplace conversation. The cut out made no reply. "Good man," Lovegood said, taking a sip of his coffee. "I'm giving you a raise," before he turned and left the room.

_Back in the car..._

"Okay, if you're sure." Snape said.

"You know what, you all suck!" Lucius shouted suddenly, looking around at everyone. "You are the suckiest bunch of suckers that I've ever meet! Welcome to Sucksville, population you guys!" he cried, pointing wildly around the car. "What is he on?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow. "A little bit of everything," Draco said with a sigh. "But mostly that's just the way he is." he returned. "Ah." said Sirius.

"I don't care what you guys think, I'm going to sing, even if I have do it all by myself!" Lucius continued, still mad that no one had offered to sing with him.

"What am I supposed to do at Hogwarts?" Sirius asked, ignoring Lucius. Fudge shrugged his shoulders. "Well that's settled!" Sirius said enthusiastically. "This is going to be so great Harry!" he cried, suddenly happy as if he'd taken an upper.

"It's raining men!" Lucius sang/shouted at the top of his lungs.

"I'll see you everyday it'll just be like a twenty four hour sleep over- I'm gonna be sleeping in Severus's room aren't I?" Sirius said, in one breath. Fudge nodded. "What are you a mime?!" Sirius shouted back at him.

"Hallelujah!" Lucius continued. Fudge glared at Sirius. "Maybe I am," he shot back. "What are you gonna do about it?"

"It's raining men, Amen!"

"Hey, how much longer until we get there?" Harry asked, rubbing his sore back and possibly stopping a completely pointless feud between his godfather and the Minister of Magic. "Yeah, this isn't the most spacious car I've ever ridden in," Draco complained.

"I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna get myself wet!" Lucius sang with feeling.

"Draco, this is the only car you've ever ridden in," Harry pointed out. "Yeah that too." Draco admitted.

"Absolutely soaking wet!"

"Hey, if we're all so cramped for space back here, why don't we Engorgio the seats so we have more room?" Harry asked suddenly. There was a long awkward silence, filled only by Lucius's off key singing.

After a moment, Fudge solved the problem. "Hey, Harry."

"Yeah?" Harry asked.

"Shut up," he said shortly.

"Why are we driving to Disney anyway? We aren't Muggles, we're wizards. Couldn't we just Apparate to Disney?" Harry asked again after a moment.

"Shut UP Harry," Fudge repeated. Then after a second he added, "And we can't just apparate into one of the biggest and most popular theme parks in the world. Someone would notice for sure. So from now on, we are going to be as Mugglelike as possible."

"Rainin' men!"

"Okay. Then why didn't we apparate near Disney World and walk instead of taking two planes and driving all the way here?!?" Harry said.

Throughout the car, every passenger, excluding the Boy Who Lived, gave a loud chorus of "SHUT UP HARRY!"

"Plus, all those things make the plot more interesting anyway," Lucius mumbled, lacing his fingers together mysteriously.

"What?" Harry asked. "Huh?" Lucius asked, his eyelids fluttering. He scratched his head in an obvious sign of confusion. "I didn't say anything," he said. Harry sighed and hung his head. It was going to be a long trip.

**A/N**: So the next chapter is when they will actually GET to Disney. Sorry about that, I hope this can tide you over for now. Adios for now dear readers! Next chapter will be up in about I week I think. And you can expect it to be VERY long. ;)


	15. Chapter 15: Disney World

**Disclaimer**: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER! ¡Yo no poseo Alfarero de Harry! Je ne possède pas le Pottier d'Harry! Understand? You better... ::shakes fist::

**A/N**: See I updated...finally. Everyone else on puts me to shame updating all the time on time...Thanks for the reviews (YAY! A bunch of you!) & for those of you who cared how we were dealing with these freaking hurricanes. No worries, we survived Charley...and Frances...and Ivan.

Yes, this is it. They FINALLY made it to Disney. I tried to add in all your little suggestions, which helped a lot! I regret to say we are nearing the end of our journey! ::sob:: Holy crap, this went by fast

...

"Please wait until the tram has made a complete stop before you exit," droned the almost mechanical sounding trolley driver, as they neared the park. "Oh My Gods, Oh My Gods, Oh My Gods," Lucius cried, bouncing up and down excitedly in his seat, and leaping out of the tram the second the wheels stopped turning. Lucius took off sprinting towards the theme park with an outstanding burst of energy. "I suppose we should go after him," Draco sighed, getting out of his seat.

By the time they managed to catch up to Lucius, he was standing in front of the Magic Kingdom sign squealing with anticipation. "For heaven's sake man, calm down before you wet yourself," Snape scoffed, pulling Lucius, who was practically hyperventilating by now, by his collar in the direction of the park entrance.

"Alright," Harry said, opening the map and peering at it closely once they were inside, "Where and what do we want to do first?"

"Fantasyland," Lucius and Fudge chorused at the same time unrehearsed, then looked at each other questioningly.

There was a loud ruckus as each wizard had shouting matches amongst themselves to convince the others to agree with him. "Okay, okay enough!" Harry finally shouted after this had gone on for a couple minutes. "We'll get to do want everyone wants, but we've only got one day at Disney and none of us has been here before, so what do you say we just stop the petty fighting and get on some kick arse rides all ready!" Harry exclaimed. "Yeah!" shouted the group, and went off in search of the closest ride.

Snape shifted his weight from one foot to the other nervously as he stood with the rest in line. He wasn't afraid of rides in the least. He loved them in fact. He could handle any loop, spin, or turn with ease, and the more speed the better. But it had been quite a few years since he'd last been on any ride...

He glanced up at the sign above his head that read 'Splash Mountain' in large bold letters and grimaced. The drop had made him a little edgy. And the fact that Sirius was now pushing him into the front row wasn't helping him at all. "C'mon Sev, you've faced down Voldemort, I think you can handle this," Sirius said, slapping him on the back encouragingly on his way into the seat next to Snape. Harry quickly filled up the second row with Draco, as Fudge and Lucius piled into the third row. The boat pulled out, and Snape felt himself being lulled into a false sense of security as he saw the peaceful scenery.

Lucius, who was feeling left out of the conversation, tried to contribute to it. "I rather like toe socks," he commented, wrinkling his toes dramatically, as if to emphasize his point. "Will you please get off whatever insane drug it is you're on long enough to enjoy the ride," Fudge, who was still rather sore about not getting to go to Fantasyland first, snapped, slapping Lucius on the arm. Lucius, neither hurt nor angry, shrugged it off. He was Lucius after all.

Halfway through the ride, Lucius summoned himself a small shot of tequila in a glass to make the ride "more interesting" as he put it. "And stop using magic," Fudge hissed quietly, looking around to see if anyone had seen. "What are ya gonna do to me if I don't?" Lucius asked with a scoff, swallowing his shot in one gulp. "Write me up?"

Fudge narrowed his eyes. "I think you're forgetting who has ultimate power here..." he said menacingly. Lucius snorted, but Fudge merely smiled, and Lucius felt a nervous feeling creeping into the pit of his stomach when he saw that smile. "Oh I dunno..." Fudge said calmly, brushing some imaginary dust of his sleeve, "Do the words 'Dumbledore', 'leather whips', and 'slash fic' mean anything to you?"

Lucius paled. "I'll shut up," he said, scooting away from Fudge, right before they went over the drop. Lucius took this opportunity gladly as the chance to scream as Fudge's haunting words rang in his ears.

Snape jumped off the log flume and bounded down the hall, everyone on his heels following him into the other room, leaving a large puddle of water after them wherever they went. He rushed up to the screens, eyes flittering from TV to TV. Finally his gaze fell on their picture. Sirius, Harry and Draco all had their hands above their head and were yelling delightedly. Next to them, he was crouched down in his seat, clasping the handrail with all his might, and was annoyed to see that all both Sirius and Harry had put bunny ears behind his head with their index and middle fingers, forcing to Snape to crack a smile in spite of himself as he gazed at the picture. In the back row, quite the opposite, was Lucius, who was screaming bloody murder, his face contorted in pure and simple terror. And Fudge, for some reason unbeknownst to Snape, was pointing at Lucius with one hand and doing the sign for rock with the other, his tongue hanging out in a very Kiss-like impression, and laughing manically.

Snape whirled around to face the group. "What's next?" he asked exuberantly, shaking the water from his dripping wet raven hair that was plastered to his forehead. Lucius let a large grin spread across his face...

_A good three hours later..._

Sirius groaned and rubbed his temple. There were only so many times you could go on It's a Small World without wanting to make it a much smaller world by killing yourself. And nineteen times in a row was really pushing that limit. He cast a look over at Draco's father and the Minister, who were both singing merrily together with the puppets, their little spat long forgotten (They were too alike not to get along anyhow) and contemplated what it would feel like to push them both over the edge of the boat. Not permitting himself the pleasure of that daydream, Sirius nudged Snape instead. "Still it was a good idea to take the tickets?" he whispered, trying to imitate the infamous 'Snape sneer' as the boat pulled into the station. "Oh shut up," Snape said exasperatingly with the tiniest hint of a smirk, and kicking Sirius. "Why did you just sound like a Valley Girl when you said that?" Sirius asked, his eyes widening in horror. "I don't know..." Snape said looking around and looking very, very terrified. "We have to get out of here. Now!" he said, pushing Sirius forward towards the entrance.

"Let's go again!" Lucius cried, his eyes dancing with elated joy. "NO!" Sirius, Snape, Harry and Draco all shouted at once desperately. "Let's do something else now Dad," Draco nagged impatiently. In addition to Small World, they had also gone on the flying Dumbo Ride, Winnie the Pooh, Peter Pan, and the list of them went on and on. Harry glanced at his watch and frowned. It was already noon and they still had a lot to do. "Okay," Harry interrupted as Lucius's eyes welled with tears, "It's getting late and we haven't done all that much," he said, casting pointed looks at Fudge and Lucius, "So what I suggest is we each get to choose one ride we want everyone to go on and afterward take it from there. At least that way, we can all leave happy."

"Who died and put you in charge?" Fudge asked, with a scoff. "But okay." After a long game of rock, paper scissors, they determined the order. "Severus, you're first," Fudge declared.

Ten minutes later, they found themselves standing in the line outside of The Haunted Mansion. "This is going to be so lame," Lucius whined, "It's not going to be scary at a-Oh my Gods, that tombstone just winked at me!" he cried, pointing at a face tombstone. While they were distracted, the door opened and a pale dark haired stepped out behind them. "Good evening," he said. Lucius yelped and jumped into Snape's arms. "I will be your tour guide of the Haunted Mansion," the man continued in his best spooky voice. "Please follow me..."

Lucius laughed nervously. Snape just shook his head, dropping Lucius on the floor. "That felt good, throwing me on the floor like that, thanks!" Lucius called back sarcastically, rubbing his back.

"Does anyone want to trade seats?" Fudge whined from the first row next to Harry and Draco, as the safety harness lowered. "I don't particularly want to sit--here..." Fudge said, looking at Harry and Draco out of the corner of his eyes.

"Well it's not like I want to sit with these two love birds either!" Lucius exclaimed, jerking a thumb at Snape and Sirius, even though the ovalish design of the cars prevented Fudge from seeing it.

"Hey!" Sirius said, offended. "Why don't you want to sit with us?"

Snape jabbed Sirius in the ribs with his elbow roughly. "Oh yeah. And we are NOT lovebirds!" he added. "Okay!" Lucius said defensively, throwing his hands up in mock defeat, "Jeez, I didn't know you guys were so easily henpecked!"

"We are not!" Snape protested. "Now it depends exactly where we were henpecked," Sirius said thoughtfully. Snape stared at him a moment. "Did I say that out loud?" Sirius asked nervously. Snape and Lucius nodded. "Sirius do you even know what that means?" Snape asked. "Oh I think I do," Sirius said with a suggestive chuckle. Snape stared at him. "I'll be quiet now," Sirius said, looking away quickly.

"And stop with the bird metaphors!" Snape said angrily to Lucius. "Alright, alright," Lucius replied, "Don't get your feathers in a-"

"Forget it!" Snape snapped, cutting him off.

Snape sighed. "Well the ride hasn't even started and it is already going downhill." Snape muttered. "But maybe that sexy Master Gracie from the Haunted Mansion movie will be here!" Sirius said, craning his head and turning around to look. "What?" Snape asked. "Nothing." Sirius said, straightening his back and looking forward. "Oooh do you think Eddie Murphy will be here?!?" Lucius asked excitedly. "I've always wanted to ask him what it's like to be the last surviving member of the Brady Bunch." Sirius and Snape cast questioning looks at him and suddenly the ride jerked into motion and the cars pulled out.

Fudge looked around at the cobwebs and maniacal looking paintings with cut out eyes as the car continued to drive along the track. "Are you, scared Draco?" Fudge asked, his voice trembling and his hot breath spilling down on Draco's neck. "No," Draco said calmly. "Because it's okay to be scared," Fudge continued, resting his arm on Draco's shoulder. "Ummmm...." Draco said, inching away from Fudge, and scooting closer to Harry. Just then, a ghost popped out near Fudge, and he nearly jumped out of his skin, and he screamed and grabbing onto Harry and Draco, scaring Harry and Draco and making them scream too. Once they were done screaming, Draco scowled and shoved Fudge forcefully, then scooted as far away from his as possible, crossing his arms over his chest in a with an angry, pout like expression on his face. "What?" Fudge asked innocently.

_Meanwhile..._

"Oh that is SO fake!" Lucius cried gesturing at the corpses that were springing out of the ground. Snape sighed. "Well thanks for ruining it for everyone, Lucius." He said, resting his head in his hands. "I think we can safety say that-" Snape started, before being cut off by Lucius's sudden screaming. "What? What is it?" Snape asked. "G-g-ghost!" Lucius shrieked, pointing forward. Snape sighed. "I'm going to look, only to prove that there is no-" he started, then stared forward into the mirror. Sure enough, there was a ghost seated beside him. Snape screamed. "Holy shit a ghost!" Snape yelled, leaping into Sirius's lap.

The ride pulled into the station and the passengers unloaded slowly, among which was a very sheepish looking Snape who awkwardly scooted off of Sirius's lap. Draco wobbly stumbled out of the ride, tripping over his own two feet once or twice. "Never again," Draco said with an involuntary shudder, casting a look at Fudge. "Someone else sits with him from now on!"

An hour later, the group staggered off of Space Mountain, Lucius looking positively green. "Ugh," he groaned, "I think I lost my lunch."

"No it's all right here," Fudge said, waving a barf bag in the air. Lucius paled, then rushed off to the nearest bathroom. "Okay who's turn is it to hold back his long beautiful hair while he vomits this time?" Sirius asked with a peeved tone. Everyone shuffled their feet on the floor and looked at Draco. Draco sighed. "You people should be ashamed..." he said, while retreating to the men's room after his father in a sulk.

"So me and Sev's choices are done, Draco is next, then Fudge, with you last Sirius." Harry said turning to his godfather. "I don't think Fudge should even have a turn, since we've already gone on tons of rides just for him, but better him than Lucius." Sirius said, frowning.

"Why?" Lucius, who had just returned with a silent Draco from the restroom, asked. Sirius cocked an eyebrow and glanced at him. "Oh the kiddie ride thing?" he said finally. "That and the Buzz Lightyear ride thing...We should have known better than to trust you with those toy guns," Sirius said, shaking his head.

"So, where are we going now Draco?" Harry asked excitedly, linking arms with the young man. "Some awesome thrill ride? Adventureland, maybe?"

Draco blushed. "Well there is one thing I always wanted to do..."

The young Malfoy shifted impatiently in the line, craning his neck to see how close they were to the front. "Oh My Gods, I can't believe I'm about to meet Tigger!" he squealed. "You are your father's son..." Snape said with a pained expression on his face. "Shut the hell up, Winnie the Pooh kicks arse and you know it!" Lucius spat irritably. "Good going Dad," Draco said, high fiving him. Sirius rolled his eyes and muttered something to Snape, making Snape crack a genuine grin. And of all things, he actually chuckled too. "What was that?" Lucius asked, gritting his teeth. "Nothing, nothing." Sirius said, stifling a snort. Lucius frowned, but the frown was quickly replaced with a happy smile. He was, after all, about to meet his lifelong hero.

"I hope Tigger likes me," Draco voiced aloud, wringing his hands nervously. "I'm sure he will, love." Harry replied, rubbing Draco's back sympathetically. Sirius pantomimed gagging noises in the background.

Finally the time came, and Draco (and Lucius) babbled his praise relentlessly to the characters of Winnie the Pooh and posed for their pictures and such. The group turned away happily, preparing to leave when Piglet called out to them. "Remember to keep your arms and legs inside the vehicles at all times!" he called good-naturedly. "Be safe!" Lucius stopped dead in his tracks. "Lucius, what-" Snape started, but Lucius was long gone.

"Don't tell me what to do you!" Lucius snarled, pointing in Piglet's face with his index finger. "Hey mister I was only-" Piglet started, but Lucius interrupted him sharply. "I don't like you, pig. For years you've stole the spotlight from Tigger, who is ten times your superior, so don't screw with me!" Lucius, shouted while turning to leave. "Look sir, I don't want any trouble-" Piglet said, "So just back off."

"Prat," he muttered quietly under his breath. "What was that?" Piglet shouted back at him, "You wanna go?" he said, putting up his fists. "Bring it on bitch!" Lucius shouted, lunging at him, tackling him and knocking him down.

The group hurriedly rushed over to where Lucius was sitting on top of Piglet, beating the crap out of him. Snape grabbed Lucius by the arms and dragged him off of him. "Let me go!" Lucius said as he struggled to break free. He made a final leap toward Piglet, but Snape firmly held him back.

"This isn't over!" he called back, while being allowed to be dragged off by Snape. "Oh no, not by a long shot! You'll live to regret the day you crossed Lucius Malfoy!"

Lucius sighed, took a deep breath. "So where to next, then?" he asked, flipping his hair over his shoulder.

"I'm not sure about this Fudge..." Lucius said, taking a seat in the large spinning tea cup. "Oh c'mon," Fudge said laughing, "This is an Alice in Wonderland ride. How bad could it be?"

An attendant was walking around, making sure the doors were closed on the teacups. He snorted. "You ever been on this ride before buddy?" he asked. "No," Fudge replied. "Poor little fool," he said, shaking his head. "I wish you the best." he added, slamming the door shut with a loud frightening bang and walked away laughing maniacally, turning many heads.

"What?" Fudge protested, noticing the group glare he was getting. "Like I was supposed to know there was a freak job attendant who likes to scare the beejeezes-"

"I don't HAVE beejeezes!" Lucius interjected.

"I'm sorry I forgot." Fudge said, dripping with sarcastic apologies. "-Scare the,"

"And neither does Draco!" Lucius pointed out, as it is common knowledge that no Malfoy's have beejeezes.

"Scare the living day lights out of park goers?" Fudge finished, shouting over Lucius.

They all grabbed franticly onto the center wheel of their teacup as the ride cracked into motion.

"IIIIII'mmmm gggoooinnggg tooo killll yooooou!" Harry yelled, hanging on for dear life.

"SSSSaaave it fffor Voooldemort!" Fudge hollered back, wind roaring loudly in his ears.

"HHHHHey!" Voldemort called from the teacup next to them. "LLLeave me out of this!"

"We're going to die!" Lucius screamed over the yelling going on and they loud noise of "That's The Way I Like It" being played in the background. It was virtually impossible to hear the person sitting next to you. "We're going to die! We're gonna die! And now I'll never finish that scarf I was knitting! It'll never get finished because Narcissa will just throw it out with the rest of my things!" he squealed, on the verge of terrified tears.

"Oh, that's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh," Snape sang quietly, unable to help himself. Sirius somehow managed to turn his head without getting sick. "What are you doing?" he asked his voice tinged with disbelief. Snape turned as red as a ripe tomato. "Er..." he said, "Why are you listening? I was under the assumption that it was virtually impossible to hear the person sitting next to you."

"And you decided to take advantage of that huh?" Sirius asked. "Well, actually yes." Snape said, sheepishly. "Brilliant!" Sirius said with a grin. He shrugged, then began singing with Snape. Eventually everyone in the tea cup clasped hands and sang along, rocking back and forth like hippies singing "Kumbyah" in a circle.

By the edge of the ride near the ride, the assistant stood. He wiped sweat off his forehead with the back off his forehead then looked back towards the Mad Tea Party ride again. He looked at one tea cup in particular. The men seemed to be holding hands and singing. The assistant shook his head with confusion. He had overseen this ride for more than twenty years, but he had never seen anything quite like this before.

After a minute or two the man blinked repeatedly to clear his mind. No time for that now. The game was afoot. There were puppies to kick and babies to steal candy from. He sighed happily. His job was never done, he though as he walked off into the sunset, laughing his insane laugh.

By nightfall, everyone's spirits had lifted significantly. Sirius looked up at night sky, and took at deep breath, feeling adrenaline pump into his blood. He grinned, as he stepped off the boat and rushed the group into the Pirates of the Caribbean gift shop.

"Ah ha!" Sirius cried, jumping out from behind a shelf at Harry, nearly giving him a heart attack. "Angarde!" he shouted, making stabbing motions at Harry with his plastic sword. "Oh c'mon Sirius, this is so stupid." Harry said impatiently. "If you wanna fight with these cheapo flimsy swords, put some muscle into it!" he shouted, grabbing his sword from a display nearby.

"C'mon Severus, I need some backup!" Sirius called, tossing a sword towards Snape. Snape caught it instinctively. "Not on your life," he said with a sneer. But a few moments later, he gave in and joined them. "Tell anyone about this and die." Snape threatened, making a stab for Harry with his sword.

"Ooooh I want in too," Fudge said, hunting for his own sword. Lucius looked hopefully at his son. "Okay," Draco said with a sigh, allowing his father to locate two swords of their own and drag them over into the fight.

"Alright," Sirius said while dogging a stab thrown his way, "I'll be the roughish Captain Jack Sparrow." he announced. "Harry will be Will Turner-"

"Haha Harry! You're a eunuch!" Draco laughed. Lucius slapped Draco upside the head with his plastic sword. "Draco! Will wasn't really a eunuch you moron. That was just something Jack told Barbossa. Get your Pirates of the Caribbean facts straight boy," he said in an awed voice.

"Ow!" Draco said, "That was painful-"

"What'd I tell you? Those things really pack a punch." Harry cut in.

"You'd think it'd be spelled unic anyway..." Sirius mused aloud.

"Who cares whether it's unic or eunuch, they sound the same out loud and this isn't being written down or any such thing." Snape said. "Good point," Sirius admitted.

"-That felt so weird and unaccustomed," Draco continued, giving his head one last rub.

"Oh I'm sorry." Lucius said, and reached over and took his cane and wacked Draco's head with that instead.

"Ah, that's much better, thanks." Draco said, smiling.

"Anytime." Lucius said, turning back to the conversation.

"Sev, you'll be the nautical Captain Barbossa-" Sirius stated. "Wow, you sound like a regular swashbuckler with all those fancy pirate terms," Lucius said, then paused. "Hehe swashbuckler...." he said, giggling.

Draco, you can be Commadore Norrington." Sirius continued. "Fudge you'll be Jack the Monkey."

"I don't have to sit on Severus's shoulders do I?" Fudge asked warily. "If it makes you sleep better at night, then yes." Sirius replied, grinning.

"Oooh who am I?" Lucius asked excitedly. Sirius thought for a minute. "Elizabeth." he said finally. "Yay!" Lucius squealed, jumping into the air. "I mean awww shit, this sucks." he added quickly, eyes flittering around to the others.

"What? Keira Knightly is hot!" Lucius protested.

"You can't lie for shit Dad," Draco said. Lucius grew a bit red, but remained silent.

"Let's just fight already," Lucius growled, lunging at his son with his sword.

"Gods I love this movie," Sirius sighed aloud, while stabbing Fudge in the chest.

A half hour after getting kicked out of the Pirates of the Caribbean gift shop for rowdiness, the group caught the last tram out of the park. They were the last people to leave the park. "There's our car!" Lucius shouted into the driver's ear loudly. His voiced slurred and he kept sipping from a large bottle of Jack Daniels he had summoned himself a while back. "Please sir, I can hear you." the man driver said, craning his neck to look at Lucius who had been riding piggyback on the driver's back from the beginning. He had "called shotgun" and no one could tell him otherwise.

The tram pulled to a stop. The group set out to walk to their car and Lucius clambered off of the poor man's back and sat down in the middle of the parking lot. "Go on without me," he said dramatically, trying to stand and failing. "I'll get up as soon as the earthquake is over and the world stops moving."

Snape sighed, then grabbing him under the armpits hoisting him up. Sirius and Snape draped him in between them and managed to help support him for the rest of the way.

When they finally got to where their rental car was, they were astonished to see that it was gone, and parked in tis space was the Mystery Machine. "Oh well," Fudge said with a shrug. "One Muggle vehicle is as good as another. Everyone into the back." Sirius and Snape put Lucius down in the back of the car. "Oooh Scooby Snacks!" Lucius cried, grabbing a box. He pulled out a treat and, bringing it to his nose, sniffed it. "My Gods," he cried. "It's coated in rum!"

He licked it carefully with his tongue. "And pixie sticks!" he hiccupped. "Why, no wonder they were always able to solve crimes and be so downright happy all the time."

"Sirius, the Mystery Machine's too big, I can't see behind me. Can you help me back out?" Fudge asked regrettably as everyone got settled in the back. Lucius slumped over, his head falling in Draco's lap. "I love you," Lucius said in that ever so lovable drunken slow voice of his, lightly slapping Draco's cheek.

"Sirius. Help Fudge. Fast." Draco said desperately looking down at his father. "Alright, alright." Sirius said, retreating back outside the car.

You're good, you're good," Sirius said, motioning backwards with his hands, standing next to the van as it backed out. "You're good, you're good, you suck!" he cried, as Fudge backed into a tree. Sirius sighed and Fudge groaned. "Velma's gonna have your head for this!" Sirius called up to Fudge. The Minister gritted his teeth. "Get. In." he growled. Sirius opened the back door and crawled in, right before Fudge floored it in reverse. He winced as Fudge hit another dumpster, forcing them to drive home in the Mystery Machine, which was so dinged up it was almost indistinguishable as a vehicle at all.

_A few hours later..._

Mystery Inc. walked back to where their car had been, which they had parked in the Disney parking lot for heaven only knows what reason. "Dude, where's my car?" Fred asked. Everyone but Fred burst out laughing. "Seriously. I wasn't trying to be funny, where is it?!" Fred asked perplexed. They paused. "Let's go shopping, that always makes things better." Daphne chirped. They paused again. "Gee I dunno Fred, are you sure this is where you parked it?" Daphne asked. Fred pointed wordlessly to the 'Reversed for Mystery Inc.' sign in the space. Daphne read it. "Well is it?" she asked again.

Velma's eyes narrowed behind her thick glasses. "I know who took it." she said. _'...Fudge...'_ she thought, curling her hand up into a fist.

**A/N:** Sorry for the lame ending, I wasn't sure how to end it. I swear I didn't mean for Fudge to sound like a pervert on Haunted Mansion, it just...turned out that way. I hope that the next time you go to Disney, you'll think of this chapter and of my fic and laugh...or smile if you're somewhere alone in front of complete strangers who will think you're crazy if you start laughing at nothing. Sounds fun, eh? If you do those, then my goal is fulfilled. I myself have sword fought around Adventureland while very hyper and it believe me, it ROCKS!

By the way, Happy Talk A Pirate Day! Every September 19th is the official Talk Like A Pirate Day. (They have a site too) Now get out of here and go review now before I get out my cane XD


	16. Chapter 16: A Secret Discovery

**Disclaimer**: Don't own Harry Potter or any of that jazz. Don't claim to either.

**A/N**: I love this fanfiction very much. Had to attempt to finish it, even if it is too late for most of the original readers to see it. Couldn't just let it dissolve into oblivion for all of eternity…Happy reading

…

Draco and Harry tiptoed their way into the living room, cautiously averting quite a few empty boxes of Scooby Snacks and firewhiskey bottles strewn about the floor.

"Lucius," Harry whispered, giving the unconscious man a gentle poke. "Psssssst. Luce, wake up…" he crooned. "Ughhh…" came the shaky reply, and Lucius rolled over onto a vast pile of half-eaten licorice whips and began to snore rather erratically.

Draco shot Harry a trademark Malfoy smug look and eyed him skeptically.

"Well you'll never get him awake THAT way," Draco declared, rolling up his sleeves. "Let me show you how Draconis Eroticas Alicia Malfoy does it!"

"Alicia?" Harry echoed weakly, but Draco was already conjuring up a roll of duct tape and effectively taping his father to the floor. "Better silence 'im Harry, while I secure him." Draco added a slap of tape over the elder Malfoy's mouth for good measure.

"Why are we…?" Harry began, but stopped mid-word as Draco mouthed 'trust me'.

"Fine, fine," Harry murmured, "_Silencio_!" He could immediately tell his Silencing Charm had been effective, as Lucius strangled snores vanished.

"Ready? _Rictusempra_!" Draco shouted, a jet of silver light erupting from his wand and snaking its way toward the body on the floor. Lucius's eyes shot open almost instantaneously and began making loud, vicious sounds from behind the tape.

"What is it? What's he doing? What was that, Dark Arts? Some kind of horrible jinx? What did we do to him?!" Harry asked, looking nervous.

"Harry…Dad's laughing. It's only tickling…" said Draco, arching an eyebrow. "You know this spell. The first time I ever saw it was when we fought each other in the Dueling Club? Remember? Right before the Chamber of Secrets was opened. YOU used it on ME. Boy you really are dim…thank God you got your looks going for you or I swear…" He paused, musing. "I don't know how You-Know-Who hasn't just captured you in a garbage bag and run off with you or something, all the brains you've got…"

"DAMN!" Voldemort exclaimed, stranding behind Harry with a black Hefty bag in his upturned hands. "Nice, Draco! Nice!" he shouted, spittle flying everywhere. "You are SO uninvited to my birthday party next week!" he cried, his robes fluttering behind his as he ran out the door. "Now I have to hitchhike home…" he grumbled. "Years of planning! WASTED!"

Harry blushed a deep scarlet red, looking at Voldemort through the window, illuminated by a streetlight with his thumb in the air. "I thought--er--the Tickling Charm makes you fly through the air and…well then again you taped him down….so…mmmm…" Harry concluded.

Draco smiled, choosing to humor him. "Yeah, after you used it on me, we started using it on Lucius all the time at home. He's a bit narcoleptic, dunno if you know, and well, he abhors tickling." An evil smile crossed Draco's features at this point. "So obviously, we you know, use it to wake him. Problem was, he was always slamming into stuff around Malfoy Manor. Priceless paintings, heirlooms, suits of armor, that sort of thing. Hence, the duct tape. Now we can wake him up with none of the levitating or mess!"

"Don't be sad," he continued, looking at Harry's embarrassed face, "You're rather cute when you're ignorant…" he chuckled, as he planted a kiss on his boyfriend's forehead.

"Ahem," Lucius said from behind them. They turned to see him free from the shackles of the silver tape, fully clothed and spotless. He was the complete opposite of the disheveled drunk who had been draped across the floor only moments ago when they had first crept into the living room. "If you two ladies are done chatting up over there like this was a hairdressing salon, would you care to tell me what was so important you felt you needed to wake me?"

He then paled to some extent, an impressive feat since all descendants of the Malfoy clan are born naturally pallid and colorless. "It's not the mailman, is it?"

"No, no, nothing like that…Oh yeah, forgot we had a purpose. C'mon," Harry said, gesturing over his shoulder. "You gotta check this out, man. It'll blow your mind!"

"All right," Lucius, relented as he followed Harry out of the living room and up the stairs. "It's not a lava lamp is it? In which case, my mind was already blown away by it in the 60s…"

…

"Look!" Draco whispered, pointing to the door of Sirius and Snape's bedroom, which was slightly ajar. A great grin was spreading on his face. _"Lumos!"_ Lucius whispered, the tip of his wand instantly spouting light. "I don't know what could be so damned--AWWWWWWWWWW!" he cried, peering in.

Inside, laying on the perfectly made bed, on top of the covers and still wearing their rumpled clothing, Sirius and Snape lay. Their faces were inches away, their hands intertwined loosely, suggesting the possibility that they may have fallen asleep holding hands.

"_Nox…"_ Lucius said in a soft voice, and the light at the end of his wand vanished. He smiled slightly to himself and eased out of the bedroom, shutting it gently, as to not awaken its occupants. "Very sweet," he replied, to Harry and Draco's prodding stares.

"Best get some sleep now guys," interjected a tired looking Fudge who emerged from one of the numerous spare bedrooms, "You have a Returning-To-Hogwarts party you need to prepare for. And I have a few mild surprises for you all up my sleeve…announcements of sorts…decrees rather…" he added, grinning maliciously. "I'll finally reveal WHY Sirius will be returning with you to Hogwarts. Oh and Harry," he added looking at his watch and trying to count with his fingers at the same time, "You're birthday was…uhh…more than a month ago? I suppose in all the fun and reckless abandonment of this summer, we somehow missed that eh? No matter! We'll celebrate you birthday belatedly at the party, no?" he added with a grin.

"Great," he cried, clapping Harry on the shoulder, not waiting for an answer. "There is so much to do! The fall session of Hogwarts is almost upon us! We must prepare! We must clean! I need to scrounge up a birthday present…" he griped, storming out of the house.

"Well night then," Harry said to Lucius, grabbing Draco by the arm and starting back to his bedroom with him. "We'll start on that in the morning, eh? "I honestly don't want to know what sort of place he'll be getting my present at…" he muttered to himself "The sort of place that would be open now, at four in the morning?" Harry shuddered. Perish the thought. He just hoped it wasn't a pair of sexed up sock puppets. He was still mortified from Fudge's personal puppets and their performance at Malfoy Manor.

…

Having witnessed Fudge's announcement of a party the previous night, Lucius, Draco and Harry informed Sirius and Snape of the new development. Sirius looked around at the cobwebs, dust bunnies, and general filth adorning almost every nook and cranny of the hallway they stood in.

He sighed deeply. "By now, I'm used to the Ministry interfering with our lives. So I suppose I don't have a problem with it, having a Back to School Bash of sorts," he blushed slightly, feeling rather silly saying the latter. "But," he continued "We have to get this place spic and span before then, and we aren't going to do it half-arsed either! There will be a LOT of cleaning and a lot of work involved. Who's with me?" he shouted.

Hands shot up in the air all around, excluding one slightly greasy man sulking in the corner. "Come on Sev," Sirius whispered, a bit more tenderly than he intended. Snape stuck his hook shaped nose in the air and turned away. "Please…"

Snape softened internally and turned around. Careful to let minimal amounts of emotion leak their way onto his facial features, Snape feigned an annoyed groan and with artificial reluctance, raised his hand into the air.

…

The grin that spread across Sirius's features nearly stopped Snape's heart. Or perhaps it was that Harry, Draco, and Lucius had all slung their hands around his neck in an enormous group hug which was more like an unintentional death grip. Snape stole another glance at the still grinning Sirius and hoped to the Gods it wasn't the latter reason that he found it so hard to breathe.

"Right then," Sirius said, clapping his hands together decisively once the bear hug had finally broken apart, "Let's get started then. This will be the party to end all parties."

**A/N**: Last bits to come as soon as I can. Thank you for reading.


	17. Chapter 17: The Celebration

**Disclaimer**: I do not own any of this, J.K. Rowling owns all!

**A/N:** This was originally going to be the last chapter but as it ran to be about seventeen pages, I decided to split it into two portions. BRING ON THE SLASH!

**Rating**: Mild slash in this chapter, more intense in the next one.

…

Sirius hastily tied his hair back, throwing a quick glance over his shoulder at his comrades. Harry was wearing one of his oversized pairs of Muggle pants again, courtesy of his stay at the Dursleys. The shirt, also a Dudley original, looked as if it had once been a vibrant red and was now instead a sort of dried mustard orange with a large, fraying hole at the bottom. Draco appeared to be very amused by his boyfriend's appearance to say the least. He was playful trying to tie the enormous monstrosity of a top into a sort of banana twist under Harry's chest to expose his midriff. Meanwhile a mortified Harry swatted him away.

"Come on, if you'll just let me—"

"NO! Draco, I'm serious. Don't touch me! I'll tell!" Harry threatened, his eyes wide.

"But Harry, it's so cute! You have such a nice body and a sleek stomach, love!" Draco cooed, his eyes dancing and full of mischief." You should really-"

"I'm not a cabana boy!" Harry yelled, as Draco began to advance with a gleam in his eye. "I—Sirius!"

"Enough!" Sirius said loudly, startling both of them and causing them both to look at him. "I did not wake you all up at 6 A.M. just to listen to you to bicker. The House of Black is in horrible disarray! The only rooms that are not stomach wrenchingly disgusting are the rooms we often use," he paused. "In fact, the rooms we use may be even messier than the rooms that have gone to hell! I mean dust is one thing, but rum stains? Moldy food? Broken lamps? Scooby Snacks crushed into the carpet? Not as much. If we're going to do this we need to do this right." He looked around. "Where are Severus and Lucius?" He quickly looked around the kitchen they had gathered in.

"Present!" Lucius cried, Apparating next to him instantly.

"JESUS!" Sirius cried, leaping about a mile in the air. "Do you—why—you scared the--!"

"Beejeezus out of you?" Lucius inquired with a quick grin. Sirius opened his mouth to respond and closed it, glaring. He paused a moment to look the man over. He was wearing the only Muggle clothes Sirius had ever seen on this statuesque pure-blood wizard. Designer jeans no less and collared shirt. No one but Lucius's idea of dressing casually for house cleaning. As if in strange contrast to the rest of his outfit, a dark green bandana adorned his silvery blonde hair.

Deciding not to comment on Lucius attire of use of headwear, Sirius clapped his hands together enthusiastically. "Right then. And Severus?"

"Out delivering the invitations. We did plan on having guests you know," Draco quipped, hands on his hips.

"So instead of sending an owl, you sent Severus Snape…?"

"For the personal touch!" Draco retorted insistently, "He has to be somewhat…excited… for this party. Some of his enthusiasm is sure to wear off…either that or I'll be failing Potions this year for some unexplained reason."

"If we wanted our guests to be enthused and actually WANT come to this party, you should have sent ME." Lucius quipped, nose in the air. "Severus is just going to deflate the theme of festivity and threaten their families if they decide to go…that whole shebang."

Draco turned red slightly. "Ummmm no. Well he sort of can't. There was no way he would be naturally excited and willing to do this so I kind of… jinxed him while his back was turned…and used a Cheering Charm. So even if he thinks of doing anything of the sort…well…he'll can't. He'll be too happy. I had to give him a rather large blast… Frankly, he's probably looped up out of his mind by that charm." Draco paused, considering. "Yes, I would say it's a fair bet that I am going to be failing Potions this year. But hey," he grinned, slipping an arm around Harry's waist and pulling him close, "who needs brains when you have beauty?"

_A few hours later…_

While Sirius was upstairs on the first floor, desperately trying to remove dozens of plaques each mounted with the head of a dead house-elf, Lucius pulled Harry and Draco into a huddle.

"Right okay," Lucius said, glancing hastily over his shoulder, "I have a plan to finally get these two together once and for all. But I can't do it alone. I want you in on it. Both of you."

A small smile was working its way across Draco's face, but Harry frowned. "I think they've been making progress on their own, really. I mean the get along loads better than they did a few months ago. Maybe we shouldn't tamper with it…let it happen naturally I mean."

Draco shook his head curiously at Harry. "Are you serious?" He glanced at Lucius. "Is he serious?"

He turned back to Harry. "You have a LOT to learn about love, Harry. Father is right. The only way to go about this is like a Slytherin. Why do you think so many of your little Gryffindor friends are single? Because they aren't willing to get their hands dirty! To be cunning! Those two won't know how good we are together unless we show them," He turned to his father. "What did you have in mind?"

"This!" Lucius exclaimed, pulling out his cane. The pair eyed the walking stick. The cane itself, coated in shiny black laquer was adorned with a silver snake's head with its green crystal eyes that attached to Lucius's wand.

"You're going to bash them in the head? How is giving them brain damage going to help?" Draco inquired, having been subjected to many of his father's 'disciplinary measures' with this very object.

"No, no. It's what inside that counts. Not the wand." He lifted the cane and pointed to the bottom of the cane. "Watch." After pressing gently one of the green gems on the reptile's head, a small dart, rather more of a short arrow, slid from the end of the cane. Another tap and the arrow was shooting across the room burying itself into the plaster of a nearby wall with an audible thud.

Harry paled. "I don't understand. You're going to shoot them? How is that any better than clobbering them with the cane?"

Lucius smirked. "These are not going to harm Sirius or Severus. I didn't anticipate ever having to use these in this type of situation but…They are very special arrows indeed," he mused, pulling the arrow from the wall and reloading it into his cane, "They are part of the Malfoy legacy. Draco, you of all people have a right to know this. As you know, one day as my heir it will all be yours." He paused, and then continued.

"Many generations ago, when the Gods still took interest in human affairs, so sometime in the 17th century or thereabouts, my ancestor Brutus Malfoy took these arrows from the god Eros himself. The Malfoys had always held favor with the Gods. This is why so many of our names are derived from constellations. One day his ambitiousness, that trademark characteristic of our house, overcame Brutus and he stole the enchanted arrows of the Greek God of Love and replaced the God's arrows with forgeries. To this day, anyone struck by his arrows is actually acting on their own secret volition while no one is the wiser."

He stopped, gazing at the astonished faces of the two youth. "What?"

"So essentially you are going to take Cupid's arrows, his stolen arrows, and use them on Sirius and Snape?" Harry reflected on this for a moment. "Yes, this does sound like something one of your ancestors would do. W-wait a minute!" he cried, turning to Draco, his mouth agape, "you didn't…I mean we're not---I mean one second we were enemies and then—OH MY—"

Draco's eyes widened. "OF COURSE I didn't! I may be devious, but I have limits! I made sure to get you good and drunk at that wedding reception before I made my move. That's the good old fashioned way to do it," he smiled, and stroked Harry's hair once, gently, "This is all news to me Harry. But it sounds like it's worth a shot." The blonde turned back to his father and Harry let out a sigh of relief. "How do we come into all of this? What can we do to help?"

Lucius rubbed his hands together. "Alright. Harry, your job will be to distract the guests. It is your party after all. We need to have some sort of diversion that will draw all the guests except Severus and Sirius from the room. This is _imperative_ because the arrows will affect the first person that the victim sets their eyes upon. So we need to minimize the odds of them spotting someone else and the unfortunate circumstances that would result. We can't involve Fudge because Gods' know he's neither discrete nor competent. "

"Draco," he continued, "While Harry is leading everyone out of the room, you need to distract Sirius and Severus so that they linger behind the rest without making a big scene. Just come up with something, I don't care what," he said, with an impatient toss of his hand, "Then once they've been hit, the three of us will get out of the way, and fast before the arrows take effect."

Try as he might, Harry couldn't hide his pleasure. "As Ron would say, I think its bloody brilliant!"

…

Sirius sighed brushing dirt from his clothing furiously. Julius the broom had been a lot of help in the cleaning process, that being what he was designed for, and Sirius was thankful for it. He turned around the banister on the staircase and found himself nearly smacking his face into another face, one traveling at a breakneck speed, with an extremely hooked nose. Swerving at the last possible moment, Sirius felt his left foot catch behind his right ankle and, helpless to do anything but groan inwardly, felt his body connect with the floor.

He cursed to himself, hoisting himself up with his knees. "Dammit, Severus, I'm sure you want to kiss me but this is entirely the wrong way to go about this!" Sirius glanced up at the man and raised an eyebrow curiously. Severus's normally somber face was distorted into a huge grin, one that Sirius was sure would cause him hours of muscle soreness once this charm wore off. Having suspected something of this sort after Draco's confession, Sirius was not surprised by this. What did surprise him was a crazed Fudge pushing Severus up the stairs from behind in a whirlwind of chaos. Peeking out from behind the Potion's Master, Fudge noticed Sirius for the first time and breathed a sigh of relief.

"It's about time! Right then, here." He blustered, shoving Severus uncomfortably into the other man's arms, "I've been looking for you everywhere! There is no time to waste. Take him upstairs, clean him up, get him ready for this thing, we only have a few hours until the guests start to arrive." Eyeing Sirius's dusty and sweaty appearance, he continued. "And you! Bathe yourself and for the Gods' sake, put on something respectable. I'll take care of the decorating, just go! And hurry! I have to find the other three and get them to do the same. We're wasting time."

He rushed off, leaving Sirius with the delirious looking wizard, who was still grinning like a fool. "And for the Gods' sake, unjinx him!" Fudge tossed over his shoulder, disappearing down the stairs. Sirius smothered a sigh and, taking Severus by the arm, and began to lead him to their bedroom and the adjoining bathroom to see what he could do. _'Merlin help us'_ he mused, silently.

…

Severus, cradling his aching head in his hands, slid off the bed and began to rummage in his trunk for something, anything, to ease the pounding in this head and tension in his face muscles. His hands closed around one of his own creations, a restorative elixir. He gulped down the sweetened, aromatic solution, feeling its mild medicinal properties coursing through his body almost immediately.

His hand trailed over an Invigoration Draught, but decided against it. While the additional boost of energy would have been welcome, Severus decided he had already had his share of alterations to his person by magic for the day. It wouldn't do for him to be too energetic. He had a reputation to uphold after all.

His head turned towards the window, noting with dismay it that it was approaching dusk. Catching sight of himself in the mirror, Severus did a double-take. His black hair, which still framed his face severely, was styled to his liking and moreover it had been washed, dried, and now smelled faintly of peppermint, as only could have been done by hand. He ran his fingers through it questioningly. Someone had clothed him in his favorite dress robes as well, black silk with a velvet trim and adorned with several tasteful pearl buttons.

As if to answer the unspoken question, Sirius opened the door to the bathroom and catching sight of Severus, grinned "You're up. Good, I think we're running a bit late for Fudge's taste. Did I clean you up alright? You were really out of it so I did the best I could."

Severus eyed the man carefully. His robes, a rich brown color with small, interlinking vines trailing down the sleeves, were clean and soft in appearance. His dark almond hair was brushed and teased into a neat ponytail secured at the back of his neck with a small ribbon. Its gentle waves were even more pronounced than ever.

The waxy skin and haggard appearance of Azkaban had slowly faded from Sirius, as the handsome and aristocratic features of the boy Severus knew so well from Hogwarts and the trademark beauty of the descendents of the House of Black, became prominent once again. Sirius's pale eyes flashed mischievously at him and the phrase 'casual elegance' began swimming through Severus's mind unrelentingly. Severus felt he was really seeing the adult Sirius for the first time since Hogwarts, since the battle against The Dark Lord had taken such a great toll on his looks, his spirit, and his life.

With effort, Severus pulled himself out of such deep thoughts and focused on the conversation at hand. "I look—" he trailed off, "Wonderful. I am very pleased." He added, simply. Sirius broke into his characteristic grin and Severus felt something inside him stir.

Sirius looked at his watch and groaned. "We have to go."

"Why is it so late? Why weren't you already down at the party?"

"Because you weren't there. You were up here, unconscious. You'd had such an ordeal and looked so peaceful…I didn't want to wake you. Or go down with there without you," Sirius admitted quietly.

"C'mon," Sirius said, urging Severus out of the room before he had time to properly react, "I think most of the guests are hear by now. Gods' if Fudge won't have our heads for this…"

…

Downstairs, Harry sipped his glass of pumpkin juice with a bewildered expression on his face. Naturally being Harry Potter, he was used to large crowds but somehow he had not anticipated a gathering of this magnitude. It seemed every single person Harry had encountered up until this point in his life was now here to celebrate his belated 15th birthday. Everyone expect Voldemort, who had not been invited and as such was no doubt fuming in his lair at being snubbed. Harry snorted, reveling in the feeling of small triumph, and took another look around the room.

Yes, there were so many people here he felt quite certain he couldn't have met them all, not yet at least. The young witch, a moon-faced blonde over by Neville, for instance. Her father Mr. Lovegood was Sirius's boss he knew that much. Wasn't she a Ravenclaw? Didn't everyone call her nutty or batty or loopy, or some such nonsense? And the woman with the rapidly fluctuating hair color chatting with Remus. Harry was certain he'd never met her either. Harry shook his head. Perhaps in another lifetime then.

Sometime later Draco wandered over, linking his arm with Harry's, his powder blue robe a nice contrast to Harry's which were a striking emerald green. _'Finally getting that boy out of the damn crimson and gold'_ Draco thought. Out of the corner of his eye, Draco saw Sirius and Snape descend from the stairway followed closely by a fuming Fudge in blinding gold robes. The young man chucked. Things were certainly going to be interesting. And if Draco had his way, even more interesting than any of the others had anticipated.

…

Fudge clinked his fork against his mug of butterbeer, gathering the attention of everyone in the room. "Friends, family, esteemed colleagues," he began, "It is my great pleasure to celebrate the birthday of this extraordinary young man," he gestured to Harry, who blushed as there was a loud uprising of applause, "AND," Fudge continued, not to be outdone by any wizard, particularly the so-called Chosen One "To celebrate the newly exonerated Sirius Black." At this, the applause broke out enthusiastically again, though not as loud as before.

"As an apology for the Ministry having wrongly accused you for all these years," Fudge paused, enjoying the suspense, "With consent from the Headmaster of Hogwarts," he looked at Dumbledore, who nodded, "We are proud to bestow upon you the position of Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts!" he nearly squealed with joy.

The room was silent. Someone coughed. An unknown member of the audience mumbled "Wow that's predictable."

"WHO SAID THAT?" Fudge demanded. No one came forward. "I'll have you know," he sobbed, "I worked really hard to get him a position at Hogwarts. I wanted to have him teach History of Magic but freaking stubborn Cuthbert Binns refuses to retire despite being dead and a ghost!"

Wordlessly, Professor Binns put down his slice of cake, and gently glided out of the room. The guests began to file out of the dining room and headed into the parlor, where the Weasely twins had begun to pass out drinks a bit stronger than Fudge's butterbeer.

"But Sirius is GOOD at Defense Against the Dark Arts!" Fudge protested, trying to lure them back. "It makes sense you can't deny it!" He looked around frantically, grabbing Sirius and pulling him onto the crude stage he had created. "Say something!" he hissed, giving Sirius the wand he had been using as a microphone to amplify his voice.

Sirius hesitated, then took the wand. "Er—well—I just want to say—" He covered the tip of the wand with his hand and leaned toward Fudge. "This is one of those 'you don't have a choice things' isn't it?" he whispered. "Like Dumbledore becoming Headmaster…and my marriage." Fudge nodded.

"Right then," he continued, "I just want to say I'm honored to be teaching at Hogwarts and sure as hell glad to be free. At least this way I can be close to Harry," he said, shooting a smile at his godson, who beamed back and ran up to grab the wand and fulfill his part of the plan. "Now," Harry said, "Let's all go to the parlor, dance like idiots, snog like crazy, and get completely wasted before I open my presents!" The applause that followed this proposal was deafening, Harry quickly engulfed by the crowd, carried a few feet on their shoulders, then carried into the other room. He shot Draco and Lucius a quick thumbs up before he was engulfed into the crowd.

Fudge sighed. He downed his butterbeer and headed into the parlor, hoping to find new victims as these two continued to look on the bright side of all the predicaments he carefully provided for them.

Sirius threw Severus a look and they both started towards the other room, only to be pulled aside by a tugging on their sleeves. The men turned to see Draco. "Can I have a word?" he asked in a light, but serious tone. _'Time for phase two,'_ Draco thought, with an inward grin.

"Sure," Sirius replied a little hesitantly. _'What in the devil is this about?' _he wondered, his ears pricking up slightly, a trait reminiscent of his dog self. Draco, seeing the last few occupants were on the way out of the room leave and edging toward the large grandfather clock his father had hidden behind, Draco began. "I know this may come as a shock to you," he began, slowly, buying time, "But I am truly in love with Harry."

Severus rolled his eyes. "Believe me Draco, we are reminded of this fact at every turn." He said with a sneer. Draco couldn't hide a smile. "Then it is time that I make my intentions with your godson entirely clear. I stand before you now, as tradition dictates, formally asking for permission to court Harry." No one said a word. "I wish to bond with him…I'm asking you for your blessing and permission to seek his hand in marriage when we come of age."

For a moment, there was no movement, no sound. This was followed by an enormous thud as Lucius dropped to the floor in a dead faint. Draco's brow wrinkled, casting a look at his father, then at Severus and Sirius. Neither man appeared to have heard Lucius at all, nor did they look capable of an answer.

Severus looked paler than usual and flabbergasted as well. Sirius however looked crestfallen. Feeling the window of opportunity closing, Draco began to kick his father discreetly. The long haired blonde began to stir on the floor.

"I spent years trying to get to Harry," Sirius mused quietly to himself, oblivious to everything except his own verbalized thoughts, "And by the time I finally get to him, and can finally make him a part of my family, he is already so grown up…"

Not liking where this was leading, Draco crouched down and began shaking his father whose eyes fluttered open. "Draco—" he managed, "I—Harry--family--marriage --just--" he said, his head spinning. "Dad," Draco hissed, indicating the cane, "NOW!"

Lucius shook his head to clear it and with shaky hands aimed and shot the first arrow. It shot Sirius directly in the leg, and he crumpled to the floor with a cry of pain.

"Sirius!" Severus said, concerned. He made it halfway to Sirius before he felt the next dart connect with his shoulder.

"Get back," Lucius snarled, pulling Draco out of sight as they watched from behind the clock, "I have a feeling this is going to be a bit wild. I presume the affect can be…intense."

…

When the arrow connected with Severus's skin, he felt a pain of such caliber and intensity as he had never felt before. It was so fierce a sensation that it took him a moment to realize that it was not necessarily a physical one per se but a feeling of unbearable pressure. He yanked the arrow from his arm with great force.

Sirius, still on his knees, pulled the arrow from his leg to reveal a small amount of blood trickling from the wound. With a careless toss of his hair, his pale eyes locked with Severus's onyx ones. It was at this moment, that everything became intense. Just as Lucius had predicted.

For a split second, Severus felt as if every inch of his body was being bitten sharply by fireants, before the sensation was replaced by a devastating feeling of pure heat and need. Sirius lips were moving and Severus knew he was saying something to him, but for the life of him, Severus couldn't comprehend a single word. The only thing that mattered to him was that his body was moving of its own volition over to the other man. Sirius rose to a standing position just as their lips locked in a kiss so hard, their teeth nashed together.

Severus's body strained against Sirius in a whirlwind of concentrated and frantic wanting. As Sirius's mouth opened, allowing their tongues to intertwine, Severus's barely functioning mind couldn't imagine a more intoxicating combination of forcefulness and willingness. His face inches from Sirius's hair, Severus breathed deeply, reveling in the spicy, cinnamon smell as he strove deeper into the brunette's eager mouth.

Sirius's hips began to slowly move against Severus before he pulled away, keeping their foreheads touching and their lips mere inches apart. Severus, reeling without the feeling of glorious possession and heat, was unable to do more than breathe heavily. "Bed—room?" Sirius said, his words distorted through his own panting.

Dear Gods, he was _panting_. The capacity for speech seemed to be too difficult a concept for Severus to grasp. "T-Too Far," Severus managed, astonished at his own audacity, "Need—now—"

Looking as if he was drugged, Sirius glanced around quickly, willing his swimming head to provide him with some kind of mental map of his childhood home. "Next room—come," he managed to untangle himself from Severus arms with great effort. Grabbing him roughly he led him to the closest and most secluded room he could find: the bathroom storage closet.

…

Lucius and Draco emerged from their hiding place, mouths agape and their body's wobbly at what they had witnessed, let alone what they had knowing unleashed. "I—" Lucius managed, "I had no idea…it would….be anything like that. It worked almost too well." The two blondes stared at each other. "Umm—we'll just…catch up with them later then…" Lucius mumbled, pulling an astonished and still wordless Draco by the arm into the parlor with the rest of the guests.

…

**A/N**: On to the last chapter!


	18. Chapter 18: Consumation

**Disclaimer**: I do not own any of this, only the ideas to which I credit myself. Harry Potter itself is not mine and I make no attempt to gain any profit from this other than self-satisfaction.

**A/N:** This is it. The final chapter of _For Better or Worse, We're Stuck_. I can still remember starting this fanfiction and how much I enjoyed writing it. Now it is time to do them justice and bring it to a close after many years, too many, of procrastination. And it is time for slash. This last chapter is a bit more serious than others and WILL CONTAIN SLASH.

**Rating**: This chapter I will designate as LIME. This means it's nothing too graphic. There will be sex, but not very explicit. Don't want to try to take on the big dogs this early on, do I? :]

…

Severus took a dazed look around the small enclosure he had been pushed into as Sirius fumbled with the door. The undeniably small room provided more than enough room to move around but was anything but roomy. Most of the space was taken up with shelves housing towels, bathrobes, soap, bath salts and the like. Severus barely had time to process his new surroundings before Sirius was back, his lips claimed fiercely once again.

Sirius sharp intake of breath as their mouths connected was enough to take Severus's own breath away. For several moments, the only thing he was aware of was the warmth and wetness of Sirius's tongue, lapping at the inside of his mouth, flickering in and out like fire as he could only succumb, almost numb with the severity of this… raw passion.

Sirius felt a low guttural growl in his throat, as he reached out and pushed Severus forcibly against the wall, never breaking contact, despite his increasing need for air. Severus moaned and arched his back with pleasure as Sirius began moving his mouth to his jaw, his collarbone, and finally his neck. Small kisses turned to open-mouthed caresses and bites, as Sirius let himself become more and more consumed with urgency.

Pulling away to breathe, Sirius surveyed the man before him. Openly panting now as well, his eyes glazed, his lips and neck looking claimed and bruised, Sirius never felt more like an animal than he did at this moment. Being an Animagus, this was an amazing feat. This primal need for Severus resounded throughout his body as strongly as any animal instinct he had ever felt while in his form. _'I haven't had sex since James and Lily died,'_ the thought surfaced through the chaos.

For twelve years, Sirius had been in isolation in Azkaban, shut away from any sort of sexual activity other than what his own hands could provide. For another year still he was on the run until the Ministry had awarded him his freedom, only to pair him with the person he most despised, Severus. Still at this point, Sirius was helpless to pent up the repressed feelings that had threatened to burst out, nor did he want to. His entire being was screaming for him to obey and his body burning for release.

Deciding there was too much clothing between them, Sirius began to disrobe Severus as quickly as his overcharged body could make his shaky fingers manage. Outer robes were soon on the floor, inner clothing abandoned among a few stray pearl buttons and what was left of Severus's favorite robe.

Finally completely bare in front of each other, Sirius's urgency allowed him little time to savor it. In ardent desperation, he flipped Severus so that he faced the wall and began fumbling through the shelves nearby.

"What-what are you doing?" Severus managed, feeling an astonishing loss of equilibrium as Sirius's hands left his body.

"I need s-something to," Sirius managed, weakly, through gasps of air, "Maybe this-it's the closest I can find." In his hands he held a bottle labeled Johnson's No More Tears Baby Shampoo: Wizard Edition.

If the situation hadn't been so serious, the air in the room so saturated with lust, Severus would have laughed out loud. Instead, he offered a weak chuckle, "It does say 'No Tears'," he assented.

Sirius managed a smile, slicking up his hands and running them over his hardness. Wordlessly, ignoring the distant warning bells in his head, Severus prepared himself and was unable to stop himself from crying out as Sirius entered him from behind. Although quite used to pain, like any former Death Eater, Severus was not accustomed to the surging sensations he felt as Sirius moved inside him. Sirius, unable to stifle his own moans, drove deeper into Severus, drunk on the feelings coursing throughout his body. His hands tangled behind the back of Severus's head, the faint peppermint smell coming back to him, as he buried his fingers in the dark hair.

Severus's hips moved with Sirius's thrusts and Sirius felt himself near the edge as the other man called out his name. Reaching around and taking Severus in his hands, Sirius moved with him until he could take it no longer. "Sev," he growled, "so good." The same urgency and insistency coursed through them, as Sirius felt his hands grow warm and wet and felt himself come apart in someone for the first time in more than a decade. Shuddering, Sirius could do no more than lean heavily against the other man's back, his body shaking and covered in sweat.

Both men slumped to the floor and for several minutes they could do no more than try to regain their breath and composure. They'd spent themselves utterly. The spell was broken. Neither said a word.

Sirius, still dazed and in the process of coming back down to Earth, stared after Severus who was dressing hastily, salvaging what he could of his clothing and turning towards the door.

"W-where are you going?" Sirius asked, realization beginning to sink in.

"Anywhere, away from you," Severus said, the disgust in his voice more than apparent. It hit Sirius like a slap in the face. The door slammed in Sirius's face which was quickly becoming an amazing shade of red with anger. Still partially dressed, Sirius pulled on his robe and charged after Severus.

…

His face burning with humiliation and fuming with rage, Severus stormed through the house. _'How could you_?' he accused himself. He was surprised to see the guests still in the parlor as he passed it and noticed with unease it had been little under a half hour since Harry had made his speech.

'_Amazing isn't it? How little time it takes to completely ruin your life and royally fuck yourself over?'_ he thought, gritting his teeth as he forced himself upstairs into his room. He slammed the door and locked it, then strode over to his wardrobe. He hastily grabbed the closest robe, snarling to himself as it failed to cover the bruises adorning his neck and collarbone. Severus's thought of whether it would be less mortifying to attempt healing them or to wear one of his trademark black turtlenecks was broken by a rumbling cry of _Alohomora_ that sent the door quivering on its hinges.

A disheveled Sirius entered the room, the complete antithesis of the composed and elegant wizard that had left this room only a few hours ago. "What in the hell is your problem!?" he raged, his wand still clenched angrily in his fist.

Severus struggled to maintain his emotions, donning the well used mask of indifference that had served him so well. "I have no idea to what you are referring," he said coldly, "Now if you will kindly leave so I can continue to dress, as was my intent before I was so rudely interrupted-"

"Don't give me that!" Sirius said, raising his voice, "We need to talk about what just happened back there!"

"As far as I am concerned Black, nothing happened," Severus said with calculated indifference_. 'The alternative is too much for me to bare'_ he thought. "I have to get back downstairs," he continued, attempting to sidestep the other man with little success.

Sirius blew a strand of hair out of his face and laughed bitterly. "Of course," he said, "How could I have forgotten? Aloof, distant, unfeeling, ever formal Snivellus always has to get his way." Severus's remark had hit him harder than he let on and he couldn't help the vengeful words from coming out of his own mouth.

Severus stiffened at the sound of the old hostile nickname and felt his anger resurge despite his forced coldness. "Don't. You. Dare." He said, slowly, reaching for his own wand. "Or what?" Sirius quipped, unable to stop once he had started. "Will you kill me? Like that wouldn't you! Go ahead and try, I'll get us out of this marriage one way or another, your body or mine." Sirius shouted, astounded by the amount of rage he was now feeling.

Hesitant, Severus changed his course of action. With a flick of his wand, Severus cast a Silencing Charm on the room around them. Severus lowered his wand and grimaced. "Lower your voice," he growled. "One again Black you have proven yourself to be more inept than I thought possible," he spat, "Did it ever occur to you that everything is not about you?" he opened the door and made to leave for a second time.

"Oh how very well played," Sirius called after him, causing Severus to pause. "Just like you. Always running away, always behind this detached exterior. Why don't you say what you feel for once so that others can understand?? You bloody coward!" he shouted, his voice shaking slightly, but louder than Severus had ever heard it, "I'VE HATED YOU SINCE THE MOMENT I SAW YOU!!" Sirius raged, literally seeing red at this point.

"EXACTLY!" Severus thundered, turning back to Sirius and striding toward him, his black eyes blazing. They were silent for a moment as Sirius allowed Severus's words to sink in, trying to grasp their meaning.

Severus, attempting to quell his blood, which was boiling with fury, felt his control and composure snap. His mask of indifference had utterly shattered, perhaps for the first time in his life. "Ever since the day I set foot on the Hogwarts Express, you despised me! What have I done to EVER warrant the treatment you and your precious Marauder friends dealt out on me?"

"You were a complete wanker! What did you expect the way you always followed us, to get us in trouble! You were always walking around like you had a stick up your arse and—"

"I think any comments on what has been or was up my 'arse' are unwise at this point! Seeing as how you now fit into that category." Severus shot back. Sirius flushed pink for a moment, then regained his composure undeterred. "You tried to get Remus caught and expelled!" Sirius cried, "We gave you what you deserved!"

"What I deserved? You sent me to the Whomping Willow and almost got me killed! Did I deserve that?"

"You seem to forget that less than two years you were more than happy to turn me over for the Dementor's Kiss!" Sirius roared, the notion that had been nagging at him for months finally surfacing. "You aren't as innocent as you make yourself out to be!"

Severus gritted his teeth in anger. "I couldn't have done it," he said truthfully with extreme force, almost to himself, "Because all I ever wanted," he hissed "was to be like you. To be your friend. You're the heir to the most prominent and ancient of pure-blood houses. Your family's ancestors all but dominated Slytherin for centuries. Since childhood, all anyone has done is sing your praises. I arrive at Hogwarts and you ridicule me for being the very thing you were SUPPOSED to be," he muttered, his eyes narrowed, "You turn out to be this Gryffindor Golden Boy, arrogant, reckless, stubborn, and cocky, but brave and loyal. You had both sexes tripping over themselves to be with you, to be near you. So popular. So undeniably handsome," he spat.

"You were everything I wasn't and everything that I wanted to be…everything I wanted to have," he blurted out, his knuckles turning white as he clenched his fists, hoping to contain himself, knowing he was too far gone for that. "And you went out of your way to make my life miserable!" he screamed, his fist connecting with Sirius's face before he even had time to register the action.

Sirius stumbled then took a step back. Despite having several pounds and a stronger build than the somewhat thin, pale man before him , this very man was quivering with years of built-up anger and Sirius felt no need to retaliate. The sheer anguish radiating from Severus was enough to make him feel a pang of guilt. "You were everything my family stood for," Sirius said quietly, not meeting Severus's eyes. "I hated most of my relatives including my mother and father," his hand rested on the doorway, "and my family's pure-blood elitism would drive me from this very house when I was sixteen."

He looked up at Severus finally, their eyes locking and holding. "No, I never bothered to get to know you. It was easier to hate you without getting to know you. I was wrong for that. Now that I have, I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner. You have a lot of good in you." Severus felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him. "W-what?" he asked, his anger deflating.

"I understand now. I'm saying that I'm sorry. For everything. As I'm sure you are too. As I'm sure James would be," he added, looking Severus over and closing in on the distance between them, "We were all just dumb kids growing up to fight something so much bigger than us that we couldn't possibly comprehend it. We both had unhappy childhoods and both had our lives lead us in unexpected ways. You aren't without fault, but I had no right to be so cruel to you."

"I'm sure we can work through it," Sirius continued in almost in a whisper, edging still closer to Severus, "Just as I'm sure we'll be able to make it up to each other."

"Why—why would we do that?" Severus asked, struggling to speak over the lump forming in his throat.

"Because I'm fairly sure that I am falling in love with you," Sirius said gently, "and because the possibility that you feel the same way is overwhelming."

Severus gasped, his entire body tingling at these words, as Sirius leaned in and kissed him. "I don't know what happened in the dining room, but I'm glad for whatever it was." His pale eyed locked with Severus's dark ones for the umpteenth time. "Please," he whispered, wrapping his arms around him and leading him backwards toward the bed, "Let me make it up to you."

Severus put up little protest as he was disrobed for the second time that day. His hands snaked around Sirius's neck and he cursed himself silently. _'You're a bloody fool for still wanting this…wanting him…HIM…after everything…'_

Sirius eased himself into a kneeling position and slowly took Severus into his mouth. The warmth and pulsating of Severus's heartbeat in his ears temporarily hushed any doubts that sprang up in his mind. The delicate, soft tongue curving its way around him forced Severus's nails to dig insistently into Sirius. He savors the feeling of the occasional brush of teeth and the tenderness implicit in this single action. "Sirius!" Severus moaned, unable to remain silent and thankful for the Silencing Charm he'd erected for an entirely different purpose.

The mouth that was moment's ago wrapped around Severus met his own. The stubble of Sirius's face brushes harshly against Severus own smooth cheeks, and Sirius trails soothing kisses up and down the inflamed love bites he created less than an hour ago. "Say it," Sirius requested, his eyes a mixture of teasing and concern. "I want to know if I am the only one who—" he broke off worriedly, then continued moving lower to the chest and stomach as Severus's breath quickened, "If this is one-sided then…I need you to say so."

Severus struggled to focus on the Sirius from his early years, the Sirius he had grown to despise. The days he'd been picked on and the nights he'd spent crying himself to sleep. _'This is your chance,'_ part of his brain, hissed, _'You can make him pay. Make him suffer.'_ Deny him. Hurt him. What sweet revenge.

But the rational part of his brain could only recall the newly found and tentative friendship, the longing he'd always felt to some extent but denied. The whisper of "It's your house too you know" as Sirius's eyes searched his. Narcissa's voice, gently reiterating her words from the dinner: "I can tell by the way he looks at you that he cares about you very much. Have you not noticed? His eyes follow you wherever you go, and he never lets you out of his sight." Holding Sirius's hand after he had fallen asleep each night. His mind turned to Harry and Draco, school rivals now so very much in love.

Reciprocated love was something Severus had never experienced before and something he barely dared hope for now. Teetering on indecision seeing the look on Sirius's face, of hope barely subdued, Severus realized there was no other course of action but the truth. As shattering and terrifying as it may be.

Sirius lightly kissed Severus's inner thigh, nudging at the warm skin with his nose and mouth and running his hands up and down Severus's hardness, his heart pounding and yearning terribly for the words he hoped Severus was able to feel and admit to.

Severus noticed Sirius's eye was beginning to swell where he had hit him. It felt as if an electric shock had gone through his heart at the sight. "Gods Sirius," he breathed, "I think-I think I have for a long time. It's hard to admit…I…don't want to be without you. Or without this," he said, almost inaudibly. Sirius smirked "I was right about the possibility then," he said, lowering his head. "I think—I love you," Severus managed, just barely before the Animagus took him into his mouth again, shutting off all higher brain functioning. Sirius groaned contentedly at the anticipated words, taking Severus deeper into his mouth than he had thought possible, delighted at the sounds this action created.

Afterwards, the two lay in bed caressing and exploring each other's bodies. It was a gentle, tranquil process that left each wizard feeling warm and comforted. Severus entwined his fingers with Sirius, for the first time while each was awake. Oblivious to everything else, Severus felt the physical and emotional exhaustion of the day overtake them both as Severus basked in the thankful waves of happiness he couldn't define.

…

Sirius woke with a start. _'The party!' _Shaking Severus awake quickly, Sirius began straitening his robes and running a hand through his hair as a makeshift comb. Almost instantly, Severus was on his feet and next to him as they hurriedly left the bedroom, heading towards the parlor.

"I don't think we should tell them just yet," Sirius said, glancing at Severus for confirmation. "There's been a lot of excitement today and I don't really know how Harry will react, us hooking up and ditching him at his own birthday party, Gods! That's exactly what happened isn't it? So we have to—"

"Be discrete about it," Severus said, a small amount of sadness unable to be hidden in his tone. Sirius stopped and turned toward the black haired man. "I'm not ashamed of you…or of what happened," he said, his eyes searching Severus's, "I'm—I'm just not sure how to go about it or what the repercussions with be." He paused and hesitantly pulled the other man into an embrace. "Gods, I've been alone and so…lonely…for so long. That I don't even know—"

"How to proceed." Severus finished. "I understand," he added, tightening the embrace and pulling away. Just as Harry burst around the corner.

"There you are!" Harry cried, nearly given both men simultaneous heart attacks. "Where HAVE you been?" he cried, grabbing them by the arm and leading them into the other room, "All the guests are gone and I couldn't find you anywhere!"

"Oh," said Sirius, pawing through his mental book of excuses, "Well we were with Fudge! We were um--" Sirius fumbled, "Discussing our new living arrangements at Hogwarts! Yes! About how I'll be rooming with Severus in the dungeons so-"

"And I suppose it was Fudge who gave Sev all those hickeys then was it?" Harry asked mockingly, his face grinning. Severus turned white as a sheet. _'We forgot to heal them! And this damn robe isn't anywhere near covering them!'_

Sirius, at a loss and cornered, froze and stared blank-faced at his godson. "Well—I—Harry--" he coughed. "We—um didn't—that is to say… errr…" Harry shot him a devious look.

"Wait." Sirius's eyes narrowed, as if trying to analyze something and Harry laughed aloud. Sirius, unable to contain his laughter, doubled over shaking with laughter until his sides ached. "You—you!" Sirius laughed, pulling Harry into a noogie, "You had something to do with this didn't you? You little bugger!"

Harry beamed, still chortling at how perfectly the situation had unfolded. "Perhaps…" he said. "I did have help." Lucius and Draco coyly emerged each silently admiring their handiwork. Narcissa, the last guest of the celebration, strode over to Lucius and locked hands with him. "I told you Severus. Sometimes the Ministry does know what it's doing." She smiled gently, "You just needed a little help. I was the one who reminded Luce about the love arrows."

Draco whirled on his father. "You said it was all your idea!" Lucius blushed. "Well—it was my idea to ask Narcissa for help. So in a way, it was." He smiled. "We're such a beautiful couple," he sighed, "in more ways than one." He added vainly, with a toss of his hair.

"Love arrows?" Severus interjected, his voice raising. "I hope these are not the arrows of old to which you are referring? The ones that have just as much a chance of resulting mood swings, paranoia, and exploding genitalia as they do of inspiring feelings of love?" Lucius grinned. "The possible benefits far outweighed the risks," he said simply. "You needed a push to get things started. So we pushed you." Still slightly flabbergasted, neither man could come up with a counterargument for that.

Sirius paused. "Harry," Sirius croaked, looking at his godson, "I hope this—I mean," he cleared his throat, "This doesn't change anything. I'll still always be here for you."

Harry smiled gently and wrapped his arms around his godfather. He pulled away and looked seriously into his face. "I think," he said, softly, "That my father would approve. I want you to be happy. Like I'm happy," he said, tossing Draco an affectionate gaze, "And I want us to be a family," his eyes trailed over to Severus.

"I know—I know we got off on the wrong foot," Harry said, "And I know how you felt about my father…but…" he bit his lip, unsure as to how to continue. Severus, steeling himself, took a hesitant step forward, "But circumstances have changed." He finished, touching Harry's shoulder. "I can't say I haven't become at least a little fond of you, bigheaded Gryffindor or not," he eyed Sirius, speaking as much to him as to Harry, "And I think I'm ready to let old demons and grudges rest."

Sirius cleared his throat for the second time and looked away, blinking furiously. Sirius inched toward Draco as Severus and Harry exchanged a quiet conversation. _'Harry, you really are so much more than a child. I'll always be here, we'll always be family, but I can't hang onto you forever.'_

"Draco?" Sirius asked, two pairs of pale eyes meeting, "Did you mean it? Or was it just a distraction?"

Draco felt the corners of his mouth turn up. He looked at his father, his mother, and at his boyfriend. "I meant it," he said, pulling out a small ring, made of intertwining gold and silver and adorned with a tasteful green serpent head. Harry and Lucius both drew their breath in simultaneously. "Good Gods, that's the Malfoy crest. The ring Draco is entitled to as heir." Lucius breathed. "You're—you're serious."

Harry eyed his godfather warily. "As Harry's guardian," Sirius began, "I give you consent to court and bond with my godson, after you reach legal age. Under Harry's consent?" Sirius raised an eyebrow at Harry.

"I think I feel a swoon coming on," Harry said, everyone chuckling, "I—yes, of course you have my consent." Draco presented him with the ring and Harry slipped it onto his hand gratefully. They shared a silent kiss as Lucius approached Sirius.

"It appears we are going to be family then," he quipped, raising a blonde eyebrow at Sirius and Severus, "All of us." He paused. "A Potter-Black-Malfoy alliance would be a strong one…although it is sure to confound some members of the community," he smiled, thinking of the faces of the Weasely's. " I can't detest it."

" I can't pretend I haven't become used to your company," Sirius said, extending his hand. "Neither can I deny the same," Lucius said, taking his hand. "For all of you."

On the other side of the room Severus pulled Narcissa into a hug. "Thank you," he whispered. She smiled and nodded.

The emotion of the moment was broken by Lucius. "Do you know what this means?" he asked, struggling to keep his voice in check.

"That we're stuck with the lot of you for life?" Sirius asked, smirking at Severus, who snickered.

"No, no," Lucius said, with a shake of his head, "That there's going to be ANOTHER WEDDING!!!!!!!" he squealed happily.

Everyone groaned. "At least I won't have to wear a dress this time," Draco mused. "Let's not be too hasty now," Harry snorted, "That is yet to be seen! You are operating under the assumption that The Boy Who Lived is going to wear the wedding dress." Draco groaned, seeing his father's eyes light up. "It's just a never-ending cycle isn't it?" Harry laughed and ruffled Draco's hair, making the blonde jump up and squeal in protest.

Sirius smiled and snaked an arm around Severus's waist. "Glad we're going to be rooming together at Hogwarts?" Severus couldn't help but smile. "Very. It's going to be interesting…to say the least."

" We'll have to try and keep this lot in check," Sirius pointed out, gesturing around the room. "And you still have a lot of how did you put it? Making it up to me to, did you say?" Severus added. Sirius blushed, and Severus whispered suggestively in his ear. "Oh don't worry," Sirius said with a smirk, "I think I have enough ideas to last both our lifetimes," He proclaimed, pulling Severus in for a harsh kiss, a demonstration of things to come.

The End

**A/N:** Sequel? Ha. As if it didn't take me forever to finish this. Anyway. I have never written or read a Severus/Sirius so it was interesting for me to try and get them together. Having written this one, I think it is a pairing I will examine in more depth and maybe even visit again. Thanks for reading :)


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